Coming to an Understanding
by umbrellaman
Summary: Chapter 8 has been replaced by an actual chapter at long last! I hope it's up to par. r&r pretty plz?
1. A Prologue of Sorts

PLEASE TO READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES!!1  
  
I really want you guys to hear what I have to say. The reason that I worry that you won't is because I'm a skimmer, and so I don't always read the author's notes. Hypocritical of me, huh?  
  
Right, this is my first fan-fic. Ever. Come to think of it, this is the first thing I've ever written that wasn't required for a class. I generally do not like to read or write, but despite that I have written this anyway, I hope you enjoy. And I understand that everyone has their own opinion and that I am not the world's greatest writer, but I hope you'll go easy on me.  
  
A couple of notes; I finished watching the anime series, and even though I've technically never watched EoE, I know what happens (yeah I know, I've ruined it for myself, boo-friggin-hoo). I have mainly written this piece for my own benefit, to sort out some of my thoughts on Evangelion in general.  
  
That said, I'm trying to at least explore some of the psychological aspects, specifically for Shinji and Asuka. Now I'm no expert on anything, including Evangelion, these are just some things that I thought of as I watched, as well as things that I don't think were really fully addressed or examined.  
  
Shinji may be a little OOC, and for that I apologize. I chalk that up to the shock of having survived Third Impact. You can make your own interpretations, though. That, or berate me for taking him out of character. : )  
  
One final thing; I am ADMITTEDLY an A/S kind of guy (don't worry, that doesn't mean I'm a Rei basher). It's just my opinion that they're cute together and that they work, if only they'd stop bickering. However, I will try hard not to make this into some romantic "and they had many babies and lived happily ever after" deal. In fact, I'm not even necessarily going to pair them up like that when this story is over. Even though I'd like for the guy to get the girl, considering all the hell they've been through I think that that is the farthest thing from both their minds.  
  
Oh, and I'm still working on editing. I can't seem to get the bold and italics in the document manager to transfer over when I save. It will let me put them in when I edit the text right then and there, but when I hit the save button it doesn't transfer over. Weird. Also, even though the story is published I have re-submitted chapters a couple of times already. It's mostly just fixing typos, but some of it is also re-wording; scratched out a sentence I later didn't like, tried to use a different or more appropriate adjective, changed a sentence because I thought it didn't convey the idea correctly, that kinda thing. Nothing plot-wise or anything like that has been altered; there have been absolutely NO radical changes.  
  
Okay, read and let me know what you think. I've only done the first 3 chapters thus far. If you like what I've got, I'll try to come up with more. I have some ideas for what I want to happen, but the story isn't actually finished. If this thing gets popular enough, I'll try to churn out another chapter every week or so. No promises, though. I suck at college as it is. : )

* * *

Coming to an Understanding  
  
1. A Prologue of Sorts  
  
Slowly regaining his consciousness, he noticed that darkness surrounded him. He could feel nothing. Do nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The dark void seemed to engulf him as if it was all that remained of his petty existence. For a moment, it felt....familiar. Almost comforting. As if emptiness was his constant companion. Yes, that's right. He was no stranger to this sensation of....  
  
It was all coming back to him now. The constant self-imposed isolation for fear of rejection and pain. The continuous need for his solitude because no one understood him. The near-obsession with self-pity because nobody cared about him anyway. The instinctual act of running away, running from additional pain, running from his own inadequacy, running from the accusing stares of those he had failed time and time again. Running without a care as to the destination, only that it was away.  
  
All of that had aided in building up to the exciting climax, that magnificent event known as Third Impact. The world was now frighteningly tranquil. Every last human being had their AT Fields, the protective barrier of every soul that demarcated a border which no one must traverse, the very thing that protected them from the pain caused by others but paradoxically caused more pain by preventing the ability to connect with others, rendered completely useless, any sense of self and identity washed way along with that inhibition of connection. People ceased to be aware of themselves and, in essence, were simply....aware. They ceased to be and simply...were. There was no pain, no happiness, nothing. He inwardly grinned at the irony that their respective situations were similar in that there was nothing. Similar. But not the same.  
  
He was now all that remained of humanity. Him, and his emptiness. A world that was also without fear of rejection, but paid for at a different price altogether. The price HE had paid, willingly, without someone telling him to do so. It was important that this much be understood, though at the moment he could not remember what it was or why it mattered. Even so, he had finally located the peace of mind he had both longed for and, secretly, felt entitled to. With no one remaining to judge him, no expectations to uphold, he could now be truly happy with himself. He had at last achieved true peace.  
  
Or had he? Was this what he really wanted? To be utterly and helplessly alone? How the hell did he know what had happened to everyone else and that he was the only one left? Was he really that depressed, immature and whiny? What's he doing here, anyway?  
  
His consciousness asserting more of itself, his body began to return to him. Though that eternal portion of his self wanted to bask in the darkness of his own depths for the remainder of all time, his physical, mortal coil screamed at him with other needs. First and foremost, his mind painfully, slowly, but greedily took in the new information that mercilessly attacked his senses, ravenous for something new to process, taking time to reactivate and catalogue that which they were collecting one at a time until all five of them could behave in concert again. Common sense returning to him, he at last came to the conclusion that the reason it was dark was because his eyelids were shut. Mentally scolding himself at the brief episode of stupidity, he now opened his eyes, almost instantly regretting the action.  
  
Red. Almost nothing but red surrounded him, it's sickening color assaulting his blue orbs. The entire sky was painted in hues of red, a combination of the setting sun and the disturbing blood-red belt that now encircled the earth. Wait, not just red....black? Yes, there was what appeared to be a black circle in the sky off to his left. That could not possibly be the moon, the moon he knew was...White. That was the next color to be added to his pallet and registered in his mind, his pair of moist occipital spheres telling him that a larger, but nonetheless round object was advertising itself off to his right. Aah, THAT was the moon his brain had tucked away somewhere in the billions of neural connections that formed the biological basis for his awareness. But when did that second, smaller moon appear?  
  
Trying not to push himself too hard lest he end up hurting his brain, he instead chose to invest his attention span on the rest of his senses. Now his hearing began to report back for duty. Deciding that seeing the bleeding heavens was enough for his eyes for the moment, he now chose to focus on what his ears had to tell him. Only one sound made itself known to the world. Or to him, at least. It was a slow, rhythmic pulse. Soft, low sounds of water flowing and lapping on itself, proving to be very soothing. It certainly beat gazing up at that hideous red sky and its latest celestial accessory. Somewhere in the back of his mind, an alert cried out that it was rather odd that this was the only sound that could currently be detected, but he was not yet ready to deal with such matters. First he wanted to learn the nature of that calming oscillation. .....hmmmmm. Obviously he must be close to a body of water. Perhaps he had somehow washed up on a beach?  
  
That seemed to be in agreement with what his sense of touch was now revealing. The sense that covered his entire body like a glove appeared to say that he was on his back, the rear of his skull forcing his face to be parallel with the sky, which would certainly explain his less-than-appealing view at the moment. Not detecting anything useful through his clothing, the bare skin on his hands and lower arms analyzed the surface. It felt gritty, but soft. Sand. Of course! He MUST be on a beach. Was this some kind of reward for his role in ridding humanity of its miserable existence? The rest of his natural life-span to be occupied by taking up residence near an ocean? It wouldn't do him much good, seeing as he could not swim, and the atmospheric scenery was not prime choice, but he could hardly care, given the serenity of those salty waves.  
  
What the hell? The smell contained not a single trace of saltiness within it. That's odd, this smelled more like  
  
"Blood."  
  
Barely successful in convincing his tendons and muscles that he was still in charge, he willed his lazily idle arms out of their slumbering state and pushed his torso up into an upright position. He looked down at the white sands. Seemed normal enough, but then again it was just sand. He had already seen white, anyway, this was boring him. He needed to put something new into his reservoir of experience. But the new object of his attention denied his wish, for this color was also already stored away in his experience. This wasn't right. An ocean was supposed to be blue, not red. It should be accompanied by a salty sea breeze, not the revolting smell of vital bodily fluid.  
  
Finally noticing it, he winced only slightly at the pain. It was coming from both of his palms. He lifted both of them to his view, observing them critically to determine the source of the distress. Except for what appeared to be some minor bruising, his hands seemed to be perfectly fine. Yet somehow he had been expecting the wounds to be much more serious. He had this feeling (was it a feeling, or a memory?) that something had actually pierced his hands.  
  
The memories of the events before his waking up here were almost ready to begin their cascade through his psyche, they just needed to be pushed little bit further. So far he could see that this was not an ocean, but instead it was a very, very large lake. It was wide enough in diameter that he had difficulty making out the shoreline directly across from his side. Actually, his view of the other side of the lake was currently being impeded by what could only be described as a giant black stone that seemed to be in the shape of a head.  
  
No, not just a head, there was a face on that head as well! And not just any face, but a face that he knew all too well, somewhere in the back of his mind. It was the face of death.... SHE was death. And the red water was her blood, the very same blood that was the LCL that he would breathe in when he used to...pilot? LCL? He breathed blood? He...piloted something that he always complained smelled like blood? But this was not just any blood, now. It was HER blood.  
  
"Rei...Lilith....Rei?"  
  
Those two names were hesitant to leave his tongue, and he wasn't still completely up to speed as to what they meant to him. Surrounding this giant bust was a series of white beings whose arms were spread wide open as if they had been crucified and then damned to occupy the remainder of infinity out in the crimson waters. The feature of the white beings that struck the largest chord with him was what appeared to be a teeth-bearing grin on each of their hound-like snouts. They were grinning horribly, the grin of a madman who pondered nothing but perverted, mischievous thoughts ever day of his demented life. Those daggers that were their teeth did nothing to alleviate the feeling of his blood curdling, either.  
  
If you were to see his face at that moment, it would have been a blend of horror, disgust, remorse, and awe. His eyes were wide and his jaw was hanging low, but then the memories of what had led up to all of this came back to haunt him, leaving him absolutely no room to take shelter from their cruel beating. The images, sounds, thoughts, feelings, rushed him, giving him no time to process it all.  
  
In the span of only a mere few moments, Shinji Ikari, a very reserved and shy Japanese male of 14 with dark blue eyes which spoke of infinite sadness, a posture that spoke of little self-confidence, and moppy dark brown hair that simply said he needed a haircut, sitting on the white sand in plain black pants, plain white sneakers, and a navy-blue undershirt covered by a plain short-sleeved button-up white shirt, the third child selected to pilot the creatures known as the Evangelions against the exotic titans known as the Angels, had run through what seemed like almost two days worth of activity.

* * *

Death.  
  
Geo Front.  
  
NERV.  
  
Father.  
  
BASTARD! I HATE YOU!!!  
  
Run away.  
  
Depression.  
  
Hospital.  
  
I'm so fucked up!  
  
Run away.  
  
Everyone can just die.  
  
The final Angel.  
  
Instrumentality.  
  
SEELE.  
  
Human Contemplation Project.  
  
Run away.  
  
"Quit acting like a spoiled brat! Like it or not, you're still alive. Get moving and DO something! You can die later!"  
  
"That was a very grown-up kiss, Shinji. We'll do the rest when you get back."  
  
Tastes like blood.  
  
Death.  
  
Run away.  
  
Eva.  
  
Bakelite.  
  
I...I can't. I'm no good. I can't pilot EVA if all I do is hurt and kill people.  
  
Run away.  
  
"Damn they're persistent! Of course, that idiot Shinji is nowhere to be found!"  
  
A scream that makes my skin crawl.  
  
Eva Unit 01 moves on its own......again.  
  
Unit Two's remains are on the ground and in their mouths.  
  
....Asuka!  
  
ASUKAAAAAA!!!!!!  
  
Rage.  
  
I'll kill you! I'll Kill you!! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!  
  
White Evas holding giant deadly sticks and even deadlier grins.  
  
AAAGGH!!! MY HANDS!  
  
High above in lower earth orbit.  
  
Rei?  
  
LILITH?!  
  
Run away.  
  
Kaoru!  
  
I'm in a park, building a pyramid?  
  
"You never understood anything."  
  
I thought it was supposed to be a world without unpleasantness...without uncertainty.  
  
"Because you assumed everyone was like you."  
  
Betrayed! You betrayed my feelings!  
  
"You misunderstood from the start. You assumed without asking."  
  
Nobody cares whether I live or die. Nothing will change...so everyone can just die!  
  
The world would be better if I wasn't here. So I should just die too...  
  
"Then why are you here?"  
  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Run away.  
  
I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away!  
  
Hot coffee on my lap and glass shards embedded in my arms.  
  
DIE, BITCH!!!  
  
Run away.  
  
"This is the sea of LCL. That is the sea of the origin of life. This is the world without AT Fields, and therefore, without your own shape. You can't tell the difference between one person or another. An ambiguous world. Everything is yourself, and also, everything is not yourself. A dead world."  
  
This isn't quite what I had hoped for.  
  
"If you hope that other people exist again, your heart will separate everyone once more. You will be frightened of other people, again."  
  
It doesn't matter. Thank you.  
  
"So you have to use your own strength to get your lost self back. Even if you lose your own language, you have to import other peoples' languages."  
  
Mother.  
  
"Don't worry, darling. All living creatures have the power to be brought back to life, and the will to go on living. Anywhere can be paradise, as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive--so you will always have the chance to be happy."  
  
Good bye...mother.

* * *

Shinji knew that he could not stop the flow of memories, so he just let them continue on. He wanted to remember anyway. To not remember how all of this had come to be, to simply forget the sacrifices that were made, to forget the promise he made to his mother, who had protected him inside his Eva all this time, would make a mockery of it all. No, he would not run from the pain anymore; he NEEDED the pain. He needed to remember, to have some kind of reference. Even though he found the respite he had always wanted, he had also found the strength to keep on living in the real world and bear the pain that came with the pleasure of that respite, whereas everyone else simply wallowed in what amounted to nothing more than an illusion of happiness. It would be a very solitary respite, however, but it mattered not. He would miss his mother very dearly, but he was just glad to have gotten to be with her one last time before she and Eva Unit01 headed off into the vast, uncharted reaches of space, their destination not Earth-bound by any means. He was used to being alone anyway, and with nobody left to pass judgment over his actions, with no one left to rely upon their perception of him to determine his identity, Shinji made no deliberate effort to block out the pain that he was remembering.  
  
It was all coming back to him now. The black moon in the sky....Lilith's Egg, he believed it was called. It was formerly the Geo Front, that giant hollow sphere that rested beneath the streets of the fortress-city Tokyo-3. It had been the location of NERV, the organization that was charged with the task of protecting humanity from the Angels, the other-worldly beings who, for whatever reason, were bent on ridding the world of Humanity. Now it was in orbit around the earth, its task of calling forth all human souls to Lilith having been completed. Maybe fate decided to leave it as a souvenir. And Lilith, the Angel who was quite literally the mother of all humanity, the Lilum.  
  
'How fucked up is that,' he thought silently, not that he really expected anyone to answer the question, 'that the enemy we were fighting was really....just like us. And then, in the end of it all, we had to fight off other people to stop Third Impact. This entire time we've pretty much been fighting ourselves. If God really is in his heaven, he's sure as hell laughing his ass off at us now.' Shinji had bowed his head to look down at his feet as he was talking to himself, pointing his awareness away from the post-apocalyptic landscape and towards the events of today.  
  
Everything he had fought for, the fifteen other Angels that he had a hand in killing all so that they would not be able to initiate Third Impact and actually kill off humanity, all the people who needlessly suffered because he didn't do his job right the first time, his being a constant burden on his mauve-haired drunken guardian, commanding officer, and surrogate mother, Major Misato Katsuragi, the maiming of one of his best friends, schoolmates, and brief coworker, the tough yet compassionate Touji Suzahara, his attraction and caring for his two female coworkers and fellow pilots, the hot-headed German red-haired Asuka Langley Sohryou and the albino light blue-haired Japanese puzzle Rei Ayanami, his synch training with Asuka, his rescuing her from the volcano after the eighth Angel, his inability to save Asuka from the fifteenth Angel's mind probe, his failure to save her from herself and her subsequent depression and coma, Rei's selfless sacrifice to save him, his betrayal at the hands of the only person who understood him, Kaoru Nagisa, who was really the seventeenth Angel, only to save humanity by refusing to fulfill his mission and allowing himself to be killed, Shinji squeezing the life out of Kaoru with his Eva's right hand until he exploded in a vulgar display of organs and blood, his hatred for piloting the mechanical beasts known as the Evangelions but dealing with it anyway because that's the only thing that would make people accept him, his drive to be accepted by his father, even though he hated him and would now gladly kill the old man.  
  
All of it was completely and instantly rendered null and void because of some grumpy old geezers calling themselves SEELE who were worried about the next evolutionary of man. What a load of horse shit.  
  
He wasn't sure how he knew, perhaps he had been made privy to one of the SEELE member's memories as he was absorbed into Instrumentality, but he soon somehow possessed the knowledge that he had played right into SEELE's hands. They were counting on him to head out in Eva Unit01, it had something to do with his Eva being a direct clone of Lilith. He thought back to that one time that Dr. Ritsuko Akagi had shown both him and Misato the "Eva graveyard," the depository for all the failed attempts at trying to clone the first Angel, Adam. That was also when he learned the horrific truth about Rei; the Rei he knew was simply one of many clones, an abomination of science created by the mixing of both human and Lilith's DNA. The clones were just empty vessels for the storing of what was really a piece of Lilith's soul, while the empty clones were what formed the basis of the auto-piloting system in the Evas, the dummy-plug system. She was a perversion of his mother, as it was her DNA that was the basis for Rei's human half.  
  
Shinji felt flooded with guilt at having thought that way of her. It wasn't Rei's fault; she never had any say in her genetics, anymore than he could choose to be his father's son. And, at the very least, he now understood the connection that he felt to her. She was partly his mother and, in a way, that made her his sister. He also understood why she felt replaceable, her constant willingness to be put in the most dangerous situations. It wasn't because she was depressed or because she had no self-worth, she really was, quite literally, replaceable. But the Rei that he had developed this bond with, Rei II, was killed, her memories not fully transferring over to Rei III. This latest Rei did not remember Shinji nor did she seem to appreciate what her predecessor had gained. No, the Rei that Shinji knew was NOT replaceable. That was the Rei he would always remember, not this....thing....that was now slowly sinking into the lake of LCL.  
  
He also knew that his own fath... no, the right hand of Lucifer did not deserve the title of father. He did not even deserve the surname "Ikari," as that was actually his mother's surname. The Supreme Commander of NERV, Gendo Rukabungi, who's cold, uncaring personality was matched only by the stare that he gave people, the kind of stare that made one feel like their bare soul had just been vivisected, had also planned on using him and his Eva to start Third Impact, only it would be a slightly altered version. In the back of his mind, Shinji somehow pulled up the information that he had done it in order to be reunited with Shinji's mother, who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances while testing Unit01 (this, of course, was due to the fact that she had been absorbed into the Eva, which is why she was with her son in Unit01 during Third Impact). For only a moment, Shinji could sympathize with the Commander, and for an even briefer moment, he felt that he understood. Gendo had lost something important to him, and so he simply shut himself off from everyone else, including Shinji.  
  
In spite of all of that, however, that did not excuse Gendo's abandoning of Shinji, nor did it excuse his constant manipulation of his family and "friends." This was a person who had committed the unbearable act of having treated him like a tool, a cog in the machine that was identical to every other cog, and therefore if he ceased to be of use he was very easy to replace. For a while it had sufficed, because all Shinji ever wanted was to be accepted and needed, but later he realized that he didn't just want to be needed, he wanted to be wanted as well. With things as they were, Gendo would never be able to do that, and Shinji did not think it possible that even he could forgive Gendo for this. As stated, that moment of understanding was very brief, if it truly existed at all. Shinji brushed the thought aside like it was rubble that was obstructing his way.  
  
Anyway, he had been positioned right where SEELE had wanted him. The nine towering beings of white, the Mass Production Evas, whose jagged tooth-filled grins filled his being with previously undiscovered levels of terror, were built not only to assault the Geo Front and NERV, but also to restrain Unit01 so that Third Impact could begin. The ethereal giant that was Rei/Lilith then appeared before him and gave him, of all people, the choice as to whether Third Impact would occur. Half-depressed, half-crazed, and still in a fit of rage over having allowed Misato and Asuka to die for him above all others, Shinji decided that nobody mattered or cared and that they could all just die. This had been, of course, what SEELE had wanted in the first place; they wanted him to be depressed, they wanted him to be suicidal and apathetic. He had to be broken, had to be molded to their exact specifications, or else he would reject everything for which SEELE had sacrificed so much and strived. It had to be him, because he was the only person in the world that Unit01, the purple giant with a single spike standing erect out of its head casing like it was a one-horned demon, would synch with. So HE had to bend according to their will, behave perfectly, if their plan to unite all humans in Instrumentality was to succeed.  
  
And behaved like a good little tool he did. That was what got under Shinji's skin the most; the fact that he had been used again, that he had ALLOWED himself to be used. He could blame the decision on SEELE's manipulation, blame it on the fact that he wasn't thinking straight, blame it on his depression and frustration with the rest of the world. In the end, however, it had still been Shinji's choice to make. Choice, as in free will, that there was more than one option, maybe even a way out.  
  
Even if he really believed that everyone else deserved to die, it still wasn't his decision to make. He had basically committed what amounted to genocide. Fine, SEELE and its members wanted to give up all rights to existence in exchange for unity, but what about the rest of the world? Maybe there were some who were not ready to join yet, if ever at all. Did any of them ask him to pick for them? Perhaps, just like Shinji, there were those who, on the one hand, sought human connection, but at the same time feared it because they were afraid of the risks, afraid to feel pain. Still, who said that this was what was best for everyone? Shinji could only imagine the horror that would go through someone's mind in their last moments as their souls were ripped from their bodies, their thoughts and dreams exposed for everyone else to see with no chance to cover it up. As their sense of self dissolved away, though, emotions would dissolve away as well. People would no longer be afraid to show themselves as they really were, not that they could do otherwise anyway.  
  
People could share their memories and experiences unhindered, allowing for understanding that was so profound that it did not need to be conveyed through words, hyperboles, sarcasm, jokes, actions, or anything at all. One simply had to....to be. It could be considered the Hindu Brahmin's dream come true.  
  
But that was just it; all that would be left would be the memories. There would be no emotions, no feelings attached to it. Two people might discover that they've secretly pined for each other for the longest time, but it would have no meaning to either party. They would simply become aware of it and leave it at that. "They" wouldn't even exist anymore, thus negating the whole thing. Even if happiness still managed to exist, though, pain and fear would still not exist. If everything is perfect all the time, if there is no unhappiness, can it be said that happiness exists? You cannot truly say that you are happy because you have nothing with which to compare it. You cannot say that you are sad if you've never been anything but sad. This was the realization that Shinji came to during the time that he was within Instrumentality.  
  
Instrumentality. A state of existence that was suppose to be filled with only happiness because humanity was finally melded together without the self-imposed borders and facades to keep pushing others away. Because everyone could finally understand each other without fear of misinterpretation, it was suppose to be an ideal utopia, a place where one would know only pleasure and never pain. Shinji had previously thought that he had been stuck in the opposite situation; for almost his entire life, he felt like he never, ever knew a single moment of happiness, that pain and suffering was all he could ever hope to know. But it simply wasn't true. He had found happiness being invited into Misato's home, in getting Rei to smile after the destruction of the fifth angel, in hearing Gendo's words of praise that one time, in those moments when Asuka wasn't yelling at him, in having met and befriended Touji and Kensuke Aida, and in having found his mother after so many years.  
  
Even if he had let them all down and then lost them all, even if he hated Misato for being drunken slob the time and for teasing him to no avail, even if he hated how Touji and Kensuke could be jackasses sometimes, even if he felt frustrated with Asuka to the point of just giving up on her, how she would never respect him as a friend or even as a human being, that he now wanted to choke the life out of that self-centered, ungrateful spoiled brat for rejecting him time after time, how the least she could do was give him some explanation as to her irrational abhorrence of him, he still managed to find happiness in the time that he knew them all. Though this was only a small amount of happiness given the scale of his lifetime, the pain and loneliness that he had suffered the rest of the time had actually increased its value for him. Because he had suffered, his happiness had meaning to him. Its effects on him were amplified because he had never known it before.  
  
Still, Shinji found himself back at that fateful decision that he had made, the decision to end all human life as we know it. Even if they were not truly "dead," he had still ripped them from their lives, from their happiness, however fleeting it may have been. He had taken something precious from them all, and he could not give it back. No, they had to take it back on their own. That was the next thing that he began to remember. He and Unit01 were the last two beings to be absorbed into Rei/Lilith. Slowly, his ego-border began to fade and he was losing himself in the collective consciousness. He was beginning to feel....whole. Maybe even....happy.  
  
No, wait. This wasn't happy. There was no happiness here. There was nothing here. It was just another trick, another attempt at running away. He could not stay here, he would not be like them. Even if his life was total ass, he wanted to keep going. Being able to feel happiness at the risk of feeling pain, being able to feel something, ANYTHING, was better than feeling nothing at all. This was the other revelation that hit him, that spoke volumes to him. His entire life, he would rather run away and not act than risk making a bad decision. He didn't want to pilot Eva anymore because every time he did, people got hurt. Never mind that if he didn't pilot, everyone would have been hurt. But both running away and choosing to do nothing were still choices in of themselves. Even if he felt like he would cause nothing but pain, it was better to at least TRY to cause something other than pain than to simply let it happen without incident. It was at this realization that his mother spoke to him from within Unit01 and told him that as long as he had the will to live, he could continue to exist as himself.  
  
Yes...yeeessss. Shinji was under no illusions; he was not the Savior of Mankind. He hadn't saved people from themselves, hadn't rescued the world from suffering. Instead, those lies were extinguished in one fell swoop by that single moment of clarity, that moment one experiences when they understand a difficult concept, that feeling of the clouds parting, the elation of finally having everything revealed. Even though he had wronged them all, it was not too late for them. If they really wanted to survive, if they really wanted to take back whatever happiness that they had accumulated, they needed only to be able to imagine themselves and will themselves back into existence. If they ever came back....if any of them had the will to go on, they might not ever forgive him for what he had done to them. No amount of his apologizing would fix the damage that had been caused. But Shinji knew that that would be their right, that he would understand their anger. He also understood something that Misato had said to him as she was rushing him to his Eva.

* * *

"God knows I'm not perfect, either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again, thousands of times; a cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time I learned something about myself."

* * *

He had made a terrible mistake, yes, but it was HIS mistake. HE had made a choice; even if he was tugged in all the right directions and had all the right buttons pushed, it still came down to what Shinji really wanted. Nobody told him what to do, he decided. And since it was a decision that he now regretted, he would learn from it. Never again would he repeat the mistakes of his past. From now on, he would not sit idly by and take the path of least resistance in order to avoid causing pain. No longer would he be indecisive, he would stand up and make the decision that HE thought was right. And if it wasn't right, then he wouldn't do it again. He'd do it trial-by-error fashion. True, this would cause pain and discomfort, but it could also lead to good things, lead to something better than what he had.  
  
And with that, he asked the illusionary Rei and Kaoru in front of him to reactivate his AT Field and allow him to return to the world.  
  
Third Impact had happened, but with a will to live, a little elbow grease, and some spit-shine, everything would be alright once again.  
  
The memories having completed their story, Shinji became aware of his surroundings again. The sun had now set below the horizon, yet the sky still glowed an eerie red. Perhaps it was the light from the moon that still provided the illumination. Or was the light coming from the red ring? It wasn't important at the moment, at least he could still see. Not knowing how long the lighting would last, he decided to head out and look for some shelter for the evening. Having let his muscles rest for a minute and gain energy back into them, Shinji was able to lift himself to his feet. He wasn't entirely sure how he had gone from inside the entry plug of Unit01 to back down to Earth, but aside from the bruises in his palms he appeared to be relatively unscathed. More than likely, he could thank mother for this good fortune.  
  
"Mother...."

* * *

Right, this chapter was dedicated more to sorting out Shinji's thoughts on everything that's happened so far. The next chapter will deal with his conflicted feelings for Asuka. 


	2. Source of All His Anger

2. Source of All His Anger  
  
If he was to keep his promise to his mother and to himself, he would need to stay alive and well, and that meant not being caught out in the open. Once he was settled in comfortably, he would have time to continue his one-sided discussion about how he felt about having destroyed the world, as well as properly mourn everyone he had lost. Well, 'lost' wasn't really the correct word; he was standing right under everyone he ever knew. It just so happened that he was also standing under the other three billion people that he never knew. But he would be unable to communicate with any of them ever again, at least as long as they chose not to return from the void of no self.  
  
Even though there was no threat to him from any other person, there were still other hazards to navigate. For one, he wasn't entirely sure if animals had been absorbed into Lilith or not, so it might be possible that they could be up and about now, without fear of reprisal from their human overlords. Also, he did not wish to catch any kind of illness or somehow injure himself in a way that would render him immobile and vulnerable. He needed to get moving; the longer he stayed in one spot, the more danger he was in.  
  
Shinji, at the moment, actually had his heart set on returning to Misato's apartment. If it still existed, that is. 'Better to be somewhere familiar.' he thought.  
  
Not being entirely sure WHERE he was, Shinji looked around in more detail in order to get his bearings. So far, he could see no recognizable landmarks. Many of the buildings in Tokyo-3 were leveled, and the mountains and hills that surrounded the fortress city didn't have any special distinguishing features. But since he was having trouble seeing the other side of the lake of blood, he could not be entirely positive that there wasn't something over there that could help him. Though decidedly cautious, Shinji figured he could let his newly released adventurous spirit take over for a little bit. Set on a course of action, he began to traverse the circumference of the lake.  
  
Having just started his journey, Shinji turned to his left and saw something almost directly in front of him. You'd have thought that considering this something was only a few feet away from where he awoke he might have noticed it right away, but alas it was not meant to be for our reluctant hero.  
  
No, not a something. A Someone.......Impossible! It could not be a body. Only he was left. When Third Impact had taken place and everyone's soul was released, their bodies collapsed into LCL. Living and dead alike, they were all converted into the orange puddles of Lilith's blood. How he had known this escaped him, probably something else he had picked up in Instrumentality, but he still could not explain away this empty shell, this corpse....  
  
Yet if the body was here, it could only mean that this person had the will to live and had come back. That they were ALIVE. This line of reasoning was confirmed as he could see the faint rising and falling of their chest. The person was breathing, living, existing. While a part of Shinji was glad that he would not be alone now, this new appearance also disrupted any and all plans he had for peaceful solitude. It's not that he'd be opposed to some company every now and again, it just seemed a little premature for anyone to come back. He still wanted some time to sort out his feelings, and was not prepared to deal with anybody else yet. But the person might be dazed or in need of help, so he should at least render some kind of assistance.  
  
"Oh god, no," he whimpered. This was actually the last person he wanted to see.  
  
Her only clothing was a brilliant cherry-red, skin-tight plug suit that had single black stripes running down the arms. Or the left arm, rather, the other arm was completely encased in bandages. The long but frizzled red hair covered the occupant's head like a mane of fire. Her face still had its perfect, smooth, lightly-colored skin. She was so beautiful.  
  
Asuka Langley Sohryou, the girl who he had at first hated, then admired, then loved (or did he simply desire her?), then hated all over again, was just as beautiful as ever, even though she looked like hell at the same time. She had miles of bandaging gauze wrapped around her head, covering her left eye. He could not help but be curious as to whether or not the socket still housed its resident. Her right arm was completely encased in the stuff as well. It almost looked like someone had started to mummify her but felt uninclined to finish what they had begun. Shinji was not a doctor by any means, though, and even if he was he could not gauge the extent of her superficial injuries just by looking.  
  
But all he could do was stare. He was so muddled that he forgot all about his pledge to never again be indecisive. Aside from Gendo, this was source of all his anger, his hatred, his frustration. He knew that she would never return romantic affection for him, but he wasn't unrealistic. He at least thought they could be friends, or establish some kind of truce. It was never meant to be, not with Asuka. Every last goddamn thing had to be a race with her, a competition for superiority. It was a battle that, no matter what, he lost; if he won, she would get mad because she wasn't the best, that she was weaker than him (because there was nothing worse than being weaker than Shinji Ikari), and would put him down and belittle him. When she won, it fed her ego and reinforced her belief in her innate superiority over him, and thus he was unworthy of her attention, so she abused him still. If they tied, she refused to acknowledge him as an equal.  
  
In Asuka's mind, nobody could possibly be equal to her. No one was allowed to be better than her. They either had to follow her lead or pay the price.  
  
The battle was nowhere near as intense when it was over who was the better Eva pilot. Every day that Asuka's synch scores surpassed both his and Rei's, she never let them forget it. Not only did she insist on rubbing it in continuously, but she had no qualms about letting her disgust for them known, claiming that he was weak and spineless and that Rei was just a doll who only did what she was told. She hated them because they were lower than her. Once Shinji's synch ratios began to surpass Asuka's, however, her hatred for him grew near exponentially. She then hated him for being better than her. No matter what Shinji did, she found something to hate about him. He was pretty sure she'd hate him if they were equal, God forbid that anyone be an equal to the great Asuka Langley Sohryou.  
  
Shinji had never learned much about Asuka except that after her mind rape, Misato had told him that her mother had become psychotic and eventually committed suicide when Asuka was only seven. While this certainly went a long way to solve the enigma that was Asuka, he still had so many unanswered questions. Somehow, he felt, more had happened to her than she was letting on, that her mother was not the end of it. At times, she could be completely bipolar, spewing ungodly amounts of venom at him one moment and then being contently calm around him the next. She was a myriad of contradictions; she detested having to rely upon others, it was almost punishable by death to even offer to help her, yet when he saved her from the volcano, he could see the look of gratitude on her face through the comms channel, even though she technically never thanked him.  
  
She didn't want to let anyone in, wanted to keep everyone at a distance, yet she hated being ignored, couldn't stand anyone leaving her. Either she didn't know what she really wanted, or she was throwing a self-pity party that topped any Shinji had ever thrown for himself time and time again. Why did she allow herself to get close to her former guardian and first crush, the cool, smooth spy and Misato's lover, Kaji Ryoji? Why did she become such good friends with their class representative, Hikari Horaki, besides the fact that Hikari was just naturally a friendly person to all regardless? What was so special about those two that she broke her solemn vow never to become attached to anyone? Why did she have to be so damn proud all the time? What was it that was so horrific about her that she hid it from everyone else with a wall of stubborn pride?  
  
He knew Asuka to be a strong, confident, and independent person, but her hubris turned these good qualities into qualities made her almost unlovable. She could never admit defeat, death being preferable to retreat and facing failure. She had made this very clear on numerous occasions, none more so than when Rei saved her from the fifteenth. She absolutely detested, above all else, being weaker than anyone, and always had to have something to prove. It was almost like their synch scores had become her world, that as long as she could synch with her Eva more efficiently, than nothing else mattered.  
  
Shinji had no innate desire to make her suffer like that. He never asked to have a higher synch score, it just happened. Even though he piloted Eva in order to be accepted, he hated every moment of it, and could care less if Asuka was the best or the worst. Maybe that was part of the reason she hated him so much; he was somehow just naturally good at piloting while she spent the last seven years of her life training. He had absolutely no training when he faced the third Angel, he didn't dedicate half his lifetime to being the best, yet he had far more kills than her. Yet if he didn't try, Asuka would know and become angrier that he hadn't tried, that it was a hollow victory and that she only won by default.  
  
If Shinji surpassed her, she hated him for being stronger. If Asuka surpassed him, she hated him for being weak. If she won because he didn't try, she hated him for letting her win. If they tied, she hated him for being equal. No matter where he stood, he was always in the path of her rampage and always right next to her mouth as she let loose her war cry. It was as if she needed to hate him, that there could be no other alternative, as if liking him was the same as admitting defeat.  
  
Compounding all of this was the fact that Shinji was not the kind of person who loved a good confrontation. He had spent a good decade of his life running away from his problems, be it whether he physically ran away from home or if he simply ignored the rest of the world and withdrew into himself and his head set. He felt so little self-worth that he had come to believe that every time something undesirable happened, it was somehow his fault. Asuka saw this and took full advantage of this weakness, walking all over him. She constantly teased him and belittled him, putting him down and despising him because he would not stand up for himself. "Having no spine" is what she called it. Yet on those rare moments when he did stand up for himself, she quickly stomped out the insurrection by knocking him down again, humbling him.  
  
Again, if Shinji allowed her to talk down to him like that, she hated him because he did not defend himself and stand up for himself. If he did stand up for himself, she hated him for disobeying her and for not showing the "proper respect" that she oh so deserved.  
  
He seriously pondered what went through her mind when she agreed to move in with both him and Misato. If she truly hated him that much, she'd want to avoid him as much as possible, right? Or did having a lowly underling following her every command somehow pamper her ego even more? Why did she even bother coming to school with him? She was already a college graduate, having obtained at least two degrees from one of the German universities, what could she hope to gain from a junior-high education besides learning the Kanji that she STILL didn't know by now?  
  
If she hated him so much, she would want to avoid him as much as possible, which logically meant that she'd only want to interact with him (to a minimal) at NERV. So why, then, did she tolerate his presence at home and school as well? Did he really mean so little to her that she somehow felt it was her right, her duty, to constantly remind him of how little he meant to her? Was it comforting for her to put down somebody weaker than herself, to watch him wriggle like the worm that he was?  
  
Shinji was suddenly reminded of a conversation that he had with her. Except, was this an actual memory, or was this....was this a vision he had when imaginary Rei was conversing with him? Was this one of a series of possible realities that he was shown?

* * *

Shinji walks into the kitchen of their apartment and sees Asuka sitting at the table, her head buried in her hands as if she has been crying.  
  
"You don't understand anything. You just stay away from me." Asuka half-heartedly screamed.  
  
"I do understand." Shinji whined.  
  
"You couldn't possibly, you jerk! You really think you can ever know me? You think you can even help me? Don't make me laugh! You're such a moron! You will never understand!" Asuka was growing louder, colder, and the look in her eyes were speaking of heinous acts of homicide.  
  
"How can I ever understand you if you won't say anything? You never talk to me, but you expect me to understand you! That's IMPOSSIBLE!" His impatience with her was peaking. "I wanna stay with you, Asuka... and I want to help you. But, I don't know what to do." Shinji is on the verge of tears and he was whining again.  
  
"Then don't do anything. Don't come near me. All you ever do is hurt me." Anger dominates her tone, but it also betrays a small sense of hurt.  
  
"Asuka, help me! Please! Asuka, you're the only person that can help me!" He is crying now.  
  
"Liar." Her tone is becoming quieter, colder.  
  
"Asuka..."  
  
"Anyone will do. You don't care who it is! You're afraid of Misato, and of Wonder Girl. You're afraid of your mother and father, too! So now you come running to me..."  
  
"No, I need you to help me-"  
  
"because that's the easiest way to keep from getting hurt! You never even loved yourself! You're all you have and you never even learned to like yourself!"  
  
Asuka shoves Shinji back with purposeful malice. He bumps into the counter before falling to the floor, knocking over the coffee pot that is resting on top. The scolding hot liquid falls all over him while glass shatters against the floor.  
  
"How pathetic." Asuka musters out with as much sting as possible.  
  
Shinji gets back up and starts to break down. "Help me. Somebody... please, help me. Help me. Help me...somebody...please help me. Somebody, HELP ME! Don't leave me alone! Don't abandon me! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!"  
  
"No."  
  
That is the last thing that can escape Asuka's mouth before he clasps both of his hands around her neck and begins to deprive her of her life. His teeth clench and his eyes become bloodshot, various shades of violence and rage racing through his mind. As the maelstrom of his mind gains momentum, his grip on her becomes tighter and tighter. Why can she not understand that she is his only salvation? Why does she lead him on only to deny him at the critical moment? It doesn't matter, if she will not give him what he wants....what he DESERVES, he will take it from her by force. She will be made to understand. She will not be allowed the pleasure of shooting him down this time.  
  
This is a long time coming.

* * *

He could remember nothing additional after choking her. He didn't know if that was because he blocked it out somehow or it was indeed a vision. He could almost still feel her neck being cradled in his hands before the fingers contracted with great brute force, preventing precious air from reaching her lungs. And it had felt....pleasant wasn't the word, it was more of a kind of satisfaction. Almost like....sweet vengeance, maybe even justice. He wanted to shut her up, keep the words that he didn't want to hear anymore from escaping her mouth, make her experience his wrath for once.  
  
He wanted to make her pay for everything she's done to him.  
  
He had done it, in this vision/fantasy of his, and it had been good for him.  
  
He fought to suppress the grin.  
  
He especially remembered that last bit about taking what he needed from her, how he had felt deprived of something that was rightfully his. What did he need from her, exactly? To save him from his pain and sorrow? To accept him? To LOVE him?  
  
Shinji was no longer even sure why he had fallen in love with Asuka, or that he ever truly was in love. The shear concept was lunacy enough as it is, given that very few people could put up with her attitude and constant mood swings. He had liked to believe that he found out during their synch training, when she had slept-walked into his half of the training room and fell asleep next to him. He was about to lean in and kiss her when she softly cried out for her momma, with a glistening becoming apparent in her eyes. It was then that he knew that she was not just some bitchy spoiled brat, but was instead a lost and hurt soul just like him. He had gotten but a glimpse into her world, and he was intrigued by what he saw. He wanted to get to know her better, perhaps she could understand him when no one else could. Maybe, they could even help one another exorcise their respective demons. Even though he could not tell her how he felt because he was too afraid of her reaction, he had secretly hoped that she felt the same way. He had hoped that his affections were at least partially conveyed when he kept her from falling down into the lava of the volcano, disobeying a direct order not to engage.  
  
Yet all of that was completely demolished after her mind rape. Not only was her confidence broken, she became crueler and more distant day after day. He would ask her to talk to him, try to comfort her, but she would just push away, sometimes violently. She even seemed to be angry with him for not saving her from the fifteenth, which confused Shinji even more because she was pretty adamant about dying before retreating or asking for assistance. He wanted to save her, there was no doubt, and he was prepared to disobey orders again, but before he could activate his Eva the nerve connections were cut, rendering him immobile. He felt guilt for not being able to save her then, and he felt even more guilt at not being able to save her now. Eventually she moved out altogether and went to stay with Hikari. He never really saw her after that, not even at NERV. And then once the sixteenth Angel had been destroyed, she disappeared for an entire week before she was recovered, having been found in a catatonic state of depression.  
  
That was a fateful event that even in this very moment still plagues Shinji's conscience. He had gone to visit Asuka, feeling that she was the only one he could turn to. His friends had all moved out of Tokyo-3 for fear of their lives, he could no longer talk to Rei because of what she was, and Misato was never home anymore and he didn't know how to save her from whatever it was that was ailing her. He didn't even know how to save himself. That was why he needed someone. Anyone. It didn't matter who, but since Asuka was the only one left....  
  
Was that the significance of his vision? Did it really matter who helped him, or was Asuka just the convenient last resort? Was that why Asuka was mad? Because she didn't truly feel needed? What did he really want from her, anyway?

* * *

Shinji is crying. He is standing in Room 303, the hospital room where they are currently treating Asuka for her depression. She's lying on her left side, looking away from Shinji. If he could see her eyes, they would be completely glazed over. They contain a very empty look, as if the occupant of this lump of flesh had abandoned all hope and left. She just lies there, unresponsive, not caring, not even blinking. While there is light coming in through the partially-closed blinds, the room feels very dark and grey, as if all color had been drained out along with the patient's essence.  
  
Shinji speaks to the unconscious Asuka in a melancholy whisper. "Both Misato and Ayanami are scary...Help me...Help me, Asuka."  
  
She just continues to lie there, not saying a word.  
  
"Hey..wake up. Wake up." Shinji gets a bit louder and more desperate.  
  
Still nothing.  
  
"Wake up. Hey..Hey..Asuka..Asuka..ASUKA!" Again with his incessant whining!  
  
It would seem she has no interest in showing any response today.  
  
He can feel his own frustration growing, he's GOT to do something to wake her up. He grabs her by the shoulders and begins to shaker her, each agitation more aggressive than the last.  
  
"Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me! Call me a fool, just like every other day!"  
  
Though it is not his intention, he shakes her so hard that not only do the bed covers fall away and reveal a scantily-clad Asuka in panties and a button-up shirt that exposes her mid-drift, she also twists onto her back. In addition, the buttons on her shirt have become unfastened from their anchors, exposing her pair of perfectly-shaped breasts to the world.  
  
Several lines of thought race through Shinji's fragile little mind, struggling for priority. The first thought is indifference. Except for her naked chest, the site is nothing new to Shinji seeing how Misato struts around the apartment in her own revealing undergarments all the time. Asuka's evening wear is not much better. Though such sites still made him blush heavily, he has grown accustomed to it to the point of not even bringing it up anymore.  
  
The next thought is decency. Again, nothing new to the lad of fourteen. Years of humility and manners tell him to look the other way, to avert his eyes, to pull the covers back over her, to do anything that will change the current scenery. If he acted on this whim, it wouldn't surprise anyone at all if he bowed his head and apologized a hundred times.  
  
But even though these are the first thoughts that come to mind, they are surprisingly quiet. A new thought loudly pushes for dominance, trying to force him to action. No, this is not a new feeling at all. He has felt this before. He can feel its presence when he does see them parading around in their underwear, giving a teasing hint at what nature has endowed them with. He felt it after the volcano incident when they went to the hot spring spa, when he could hear Misato and Asuka horse-playing on the other side of the fence. He noticed the presence whenever he saw Asuka or any of the other female schoolmates in their swim suits. He REALLY took notice when Asuka would explode out of the shower with nothing more than a towel that barely covered her from her neck to her upper thigh.  
  
It is this feeling that, when said occurrences happen, is accompanied by certain 'impure' thoughts. Shinji, having had no one to give him a talk about the effects of puberty, was not informed that such reactions are normal for a teenage boy. As such, he believes that the reaction is somehow unnatural, that he is sick for letting it happen. This is a large part of the reason why he is so uncomfortable around women; he does not know why such things happen to him when attractive females are around him, that this is neither appropriate nor healthy behavior. He basically doesn't know how to behave around them. Especially after Asuka arrived into his life and made constant accusations that he was a pervert, a hentai, and ecchi, he went to great lengths to push those thoughts out of his mind before they could take anchor. He is not ignorant about sexual intercourse and masturbation and what they are, but he does not allow himself to perform either act, especially the latter, because only weak, desperate people resort to such an act, and Shinji is not that desperate, not that low and worthless.  
  
However, he finds himself unable to block out the impure thoughts this time. Shinji isn't entirely sure if this is because he isn't trying hard enough or if it was because he isn't trying at all. He has been feeling fairly depressed lately, was that causing him to not be able to focus?  
  
Or, more frighteningly, does he just not care anymore?  
  
The images race through him as if they are happening before his eyes; Shinji and Asuka in various sexual positions that he had heard about from Touji and Kensuke, Shinji fondling Asuka, Asuka moaning and panting in sexual ecstasy, Shinji penetrating into Asuka's core. The images slam into his mind's eye one by one, faster and faster as more arrive. As all of this is happening, Shinji can feel his manhood quite literally rising to the occasion. It has become sensitive and pulses with pleasure, summoning into it almost a year's worth of pent-up sexual energy like a giant capacitor, ready discharge the energy at any moment.  
  
This is....arousal?  
  
He likes what he sees? Is a half-naked Asuka sprawled over a bed exciting to him?  
  
Is this what he wanted from her all along?  
  
Being unable to contain himself, Shinji heads for the door and closes it, locking it behind him. He cannot afford to be interrupted or discovered, not when he is like this. Not when he is this filthy. Not when he is so close to his goal. As he undoes the zipper to his pants, exposing himself to Asuka and the world, even darker sexual thoughts begin to fly at him. He knows that he is not strong enough to pull away, that he cannot and will not pull away. He's too close now, he must have release. The call is beyond anything he has ever received, he MUST answer it. He MUST do this. Yet he begins to debate with himself internally.  
  
She's had this a long time coming.  
  
'What?!'  
  
All these months of her running her fucking mouth, claiming she's better than you. All these months of her calling you a hentai baka, only to have her make her own hentai advances at you and then push you down. The constant cock-teasing, the attention whoring, that kiss......  
  
'I don't understand, what do you want from me?'  
  
Why are you asking ME that? What is it that YOU want? What do YOU want from Asuka?  
  
'Umm...N.n.nothing.'  
  
LIAR. She may be a bitch and a slut, but she's a good looking one.  
  
'What's that got to do with it!'  
  
Don't pretend like you don't know. You want to shove yourself into her cunt. You want to do it nice and rough, too. She needs to get hammered, she needs YOU to hammer her. What do your friends call it? Grudge fucking?  
  
'B.b.but I can't do THAT!'  
  
Why not? You know you'd sell your left arm and leg for a chance to get her in the sack.  
  
'That's not true!'  
  
The locked door behind you and the hardened shaft in front of you say otherwise.  
  
'NO! IT'S WRONG!'  
  
Yet here you are. What's the matter, don't you wanna give it to her? After all the shit you've put up with, don't you deserve something for yourself? Doesn't she deserve what's coming to her? Ehe, 'coming.'  
  
'What you're talking about is RAPE!'  
  
Hasn't she raped you? The constant putting you down, the insults, refusing you cut you any slack? She overpowers you, does whatever she wants, takes whatever she wants, then leaves you to bleed! Don't be her little bitch anymore!  
  
'NO! I won't do it!'  
  
You're way too tense, you know that? C'mon, it'll be fun! How's she gonna find out about it? Or who cares if she finds out? She probably needs to get laid, too.  
  
'LEAVE ME ALONE!'  
  
DO IT!  
  
'NOOOO!!! I DON'T WANNA! I....I....'  
  
He cannot lie to the voice. It is very tempting to take her virginity from her, assuming the skank is still a virgin. Her perfect form, with all the right curves in all the right places, is screaming at him "TAKE ME!" Relief is now arriving; he sets to satisfy himself.  
  
two minutes later  
  
Shinji unlocks the door, exits the room, and closes the door behind him. He took care to button Asuka's shirt back up and pull the covers over her again. All with his unsoiled hand, of course. His other hand, however, is still wet with his spent seed, the smell of his own arousal sickening him. He can not deny that the act was very much enjoyable, that he would probably do it again. Realizing this and coming to grips with what he has just done, he feels as if he should be made to suffer a horrible, agonizing torture before death finally arrives to carry him into the depths of hell.  
  
He had wanted to rape Asuka, take what he needed and make her pay at the same time. But he could not bring himself to do it. Something prevented him from going that far, something he has felt before, though his head was spinning too much to place it. It had clawed its way through the walls of his mind, seizing control at the critical moment. It didn't stop him from answering the call of nature, it was an impossibility to overcome such raw, primal power, but it did prevent him from doing any further damage, prevent him from doing something truly regretful. It had convinced him that he would rather taint himself than taint Asuka.  
  
Yet even so, Shinji doesn't feel like he's a hero of any sorts. If anything, he feels as if he's the world's most demented villain. Masturbating was equivalent to having intercourse with the unconscious red-head; either way, he took something from her, used her to his own ends. He had sunken to her level, granted Asuka had never used him like this, if you don't count that "kiss," at least. Worse than that, he had sunk to the level of his own father. He had treated someone like a tool, without even caring what happens to the victim.  
  
"I'm so fucked up." His head is bowed and his eyes are closed as he says this, his voice cracking.  
  
He bee-lines for the nearest washroom and proceeds to douse off his hand, but after five harsh scrubbings and half a container of liquid soap, he cannot seem to feel clean. It is not just his hand, though, it is every portion of his being. All that time trying not to be the very thing Asuka had said he was, trying not to prove her point that he would take advantage of her if he could, trying to believe that he wasn't just attracted to her in the physical sense. Is the lust for her beauty, for her body, for this pleasure, the reason that he put up with her for so long? It was a lot of trouble to go through just to partake of that aspect of her, granted, but even so, if he had truly loved her, if he had really CARED for HER, he would never have done something like this. Ever.  
  
Right?  
  
He can never face her again, not after what just happened. And he most certainly cannot visit her in the hospital anymore, who knows what he might do the next time? Whatever stopped him from raping her today might not be strong enough tomorrow. He simply can not trust himself around her anymore. He must run away from her, just like he runs away from everything else.  
  
Shinji arrives at the conclusion, then, that Asuka cannot help him. He has sunk down to a level so low that it defies classification. He is lower than dirt, he is the grime of grime. He is beyond hope, beyond salvation, the only thing left for him is to roll over and die.

* * *

To the outside observer, the scene includes a now visibly shaken Shinji standing over an unconscious Asuka. His breathing is slow, but shallow. He is baring his teeth, his hands are resting at his sides, opening and closing, a trademark signature of his that let people know that he was faced with something he really didn't want to face, and he is frowning at the helpless girl with a gaze that suggests that half of him is in sorrow and self-disgust while the other half speaks of unbridled anger and loathing.  
  
He hates her for denying him what he needed, he despises himself for not being there for her, he hates her for making him feel this way, he hates how she always treated him like a toy, he wishes a pox upon himself for taking out his own frustrations on her, he is disgusted that he has sunk to her level. He hates how she always acts superior, he hates how she is superior, he hates how he had destroyed her by becoming the superior one, he hates that she needed to be humbled like that. He hates how she won't talk to him, he hates her for demanding respect but never showing it, he hates not being worthy of her time, he hates himself for not being whatever it was that she sought, he hates not being able to help her when it counted.  
  
He hates her for not helping him in his time of need.  
  
He hates extending the hand of friendship to her, only to have his arm ripped from its socket.  
  
He hates her because hate is all that he has left for her now.  
  
He hates himself more for not being strong enough to help her in her time of need.  
  
He hates that he caused her to be as she is now, and in doing so drove himself to this.  
  
He hates what he has done to himself.  
  
And finally, he curses whoever had placed her stinking, miserable carcass in front of his own stinking, miserable carcass.  
  
He knows that if she stayed, he'd only hurt her and that's she WOULD hurt him. Happiness was not possible between these two, pain was the only thing that could ever exist between them. Accepting pain if it meant that a chance for happiness actually existed was one thing, but accepting continuous pain....he was through with that. He could find the happiness with anyone else, but he would never find it with her. The joy he derives from her not yelling at him or insulting him doesn't count; that's just a moment of peace and quiet, nothing more than a fake happiness. It could never be enough to sustain him. Their relationship, complex enough as it is, was the epitome of hurt. Besides, he would also lose the peace which he had finally found. Already, just by looking at her, his inwards are already back in turmoil. He knows...they BOTH know that as long as both of them exist in one another's presence, it will not be possible for them to come to an understanding. She is everything he isn't and wants to be; strong, sure of herself, and answering to no one. He is that which she had expelled from herself and could not stand; weak and pitiful.  
  
In truth, the only thing Shinji and Asuka could ever do for each other is hurt one another.  
  
Was this not what Rei had warned him about? The reactivation AT Fields would cause people to be separated again and fear one another. People would once again be in pain.  
  
She wouldn't be in pain for a whole lot longer.  
  
Recalling that vision/fantasy he had of choking Asuka, Shinji kneels before her limp form and begins to strangle her. He makes sure to get a nice reach around, taking care to encompass as much of her trachea as he can. He wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. If this is what he had to do in order to be happy, if he had to take the life of someone who hated him anyway, someone he had also grown to hate in return, then it was worth the pain. Yet despite all she had done to him, he was still reluctant to hurt her out of spite and malice, especially in the ways that she still hurts him. But If it was true that all he does is cause her pain, then this final act would be the last pain he would ever inflict upon her. Then, maybe, she could find respite from her own darkness as well.  
  
He sets to clenching his fingers with whatever strength he had available, feeling the warm pulse under her soft, delicate skin. He can feel the blood struggling to move through the now restricted arteries, denying Asuka's brain precious sustenance. She isn't even trying to breathe; it would be futile.  
  
Shinji is so entranced in the moment that he almost fails to register something coming into contact with his cheek. It is soft and delicate, as if whatever is touching his face is being deliberately gentle. Diverting his eyes to the sensation, he notices a single bandaged hand. That hand is connected to a heavily bandaged arm, which is currently connected to a certain red-head in a cherry-red plug suit.  
  
Is it really Asuka doing this? This gesture, it's....  
  
Stunned at what has just transcribed, Shinji fails to notice that he has loosened his grip upon the Red Devil. He looks at her face and notices that her one good eye, a shiny blue eye, is half-open, staring up at him. Asuka is staring into his eyes, as if she is looking for something within them. Within HIM. And her eye also seems to be broadcasting a message to her brown-haired observer. It seems to plead a mixture of "I don't want to die!" and "Please forgive me!"  
  
'Stop looking at me like that!' he cries with his own look. 'STOP IT! LET ME END IT HERE AND NOW!' He can feel the resolve slipping away through his finger tips. He cannot finish what he started, cannot even kill someone who deserves worse than death. He is simply too weak. Or is that he still loves her, and her caress was the sign that he has been waiting for after all this time? But he had already established that he does not really love her, that he only longs for the feel of her warm, soft flesh, the sight of her perfectly toned body, and the euphoria that only a woman's wiles could summon.  
  
And in any case, it is impossible for anyone to love him. Misato didn't really love him, she just kept him around so that he'd settle her personal score with the Angels. Kensuke didn't really care about him, he just wanted to get closer to NERV in all its military glory. Touji didn't care to begin with, he just wanted to avenge his sickly sister and his now missing left arm and leg. The staff and NERV never gave a shit about him, it only mattered that he did his job so that they'd get to keep their lives and their pensions. The rest of the fucking planet could care less about him, so long as he rushes in and saves the day once more. Gendo never cared. At all. He only even bothered to speak to him when he wanted something of him. And finally, Asuka never cared, nor would she ever care, she just wants someone lower than her so that she won't have to face the fact that she is pathetic.  
  
Then something else overtakes Shinji's mind. That same something that intervened when he was about to violate Asuka in her comatose state. It was also the same feeling that overtook him on several other occasions; when Touji asked him to hit him back, when he refused to fight the Angel-infected Unit03 for fear of hurting the pilot, whenever he got angry with someone, when he could temporarily understand Gendo's actions, and whenever Asuka would let her guard down on those extremely rare moments and reveal her true vulnerable self.  
  
It is the same something that Asuka's look is begging him for. Begging.  
  
This is not the same Asuka he knows.  
  
Is this....mercy?  
  
He feels mercy for her? She, who was second only to Gendo on the list of those who deserved to die horribly, she who had toyed with his heart and emotions time and time again? How can he feel mercy for HER? How can he feel something so precious and so beautiful for someone so undeserving and so ugly?  
  
'It's not fair!' he whines inwardly. 'It wasn't suppose to be like this! She can't do this to me, not when I'm this close!' Feelings of self-loathing and disgust arise within him again as he tries to tighten his grip but discovers that his hands will not obey him. Surrendering the uphill battle being fought on the plane of his conscience and confused about the whole ordeal, Shinji begins to cry, the tears falling onto Asuka's chest. He pushes off of her and curls into a ball, hiding his shame and frustration from her, waiting for the barrage of insults and death threats that he knows he deserves. He can feel her gaze on his back, looking upon his crumpled, pitiful form, savoring her victory yet again.  
  
"How disgusting." her angelic voice weakly mutters.  
  
He doesn't even have to ask what she means by that.

* * *

And that's a wrap for chapter 2 (or chapter 1, I guess, since the previous chapter was a prologue of sorts. lol) Chapter 3 WILL be more dialogue-oriented, though.  
  
Considering Shinji did try to kill Asuka, I've decided that he's not lubby-dubby or anything. He's confused, has a lot of angst, and is still trying to deal with Third Impact. Add to that Asuka's abuse, and....well like he said, he's fucked up. 


	3. Truth Hurts

3. Truth Hurts  
  
After about five minutes, Shinji fell silent, unable to shed more tears and too drained to sob. He was still curled up into a ball and refused to look at her. How could he face her? She was just as hideous on the inside as he was, but he couldn't bring himself to end her suffering.  
  
It made no sense to him. It was all perfect; he could end both their suffering by ending her existence. Would that not be mercy, as well? Wouldn't that course of action minimize the pain?  
  
He refused to believe it. He refused to believe that pity had stayed his hands. He would have completed the deed, too, if she had just been a good little German bitch and accepted her fate. He wasn't going to let the blame fall on him this time, it was clearly her fault. Had she not touched him, she'd be lying there deathly silent instead of just silent.  
  
Or was it his fault, because he felt sorry for her? Maybe he could have ignored the voice, ignored the plea emanating from her sad look.  
  
He was interrupted from his inner turmoil by the sounds of rustling behind him. He refused to turn around, though. It didn't matter to him what she was doing, it had no bearing on the fact that as long as he could not bring himself to slay her, he was damned.  
  
Asuka managed to push herself up with her good arm, albeit it took almost all her strength to do it. She rather quickly found out that she would prefer to lie back down again, the mere task of sitting upright seemed to tax her reserves to the limit. But this is the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou we're talking about here; a little bit of physical discomfort wasn't going to get her down, much less keep her there.  
  
"Turn around, baka! Be a man for once and face me!" She didn't so much scream the words as much as she said them with that usual flare of hers, being only loud enough and in a harsh enough tone that there was no mistaking the sincerity of the command; it implied, but not explicitly stated, terrible consequences would ensue if her orders were not followed to the letter.  
  
"No." Shinji replied in his usual weak tone. Only, it wasn't as weak as is typically the case. Even if he didn't sound like much of a threat, it seemed Shinji's sincerity could give Asuka's a run for its money.  
  
Needless to say, Asuka was taken aback a little. Just a little, though. This wasn't the first time the anta baka had gotten an attitude with her, all she had to do was step on his fledgling spine and he'd revert back to the lowly invertebrate that he truly was.  
  
"What did you just say?"  
  
"I said...no. I'm not turning around."  
  
"TURN AROUND NOW, THIRD CHILD!"  
  
"Leave me alone."  
  
Asuka's fiery persona was back in full force, but Shinji could tell that the shear act of speaking, especially that last utterance, was draining precious energy from her. She would not be able to maintain her usual routine for long.  
  
"If you think you're going to get away with attempted murder, you've got another thing coming!"  
  
"I'm not granting you satisfaction anymore. If you want to face me, YOUR'RE going to have to come over here."  
  
Shinji wasn't quite sure where those words came from. It was, admittedly, rather out of character for him to defy Asuka's will, let alone talk back to her. But if this was all he had left in life, if he was going to be punished anyway, he might as well give her a hard time about it, as well. She couldn't hurt him anymore than she already has.  
  
"You take that back, NOW!" Asuka was almost ready to fall back down into the cushion of sand.  
  
"I'm sorry." he answered with his usual submissive tone.  
  
Asuka smirked at his response, knowing that she was in charge again. That didn't mean she wasn't going to give him a hard time, though. "STOP APOLOGIZING OR I'LL-"  
  
"I mean that I'm sorry that you're not getting your way this time." he interrupted, a more stoic tone taking over his voice.  
  
Asuka didn't see that one coming. "You really want me to kick your ass, don't you? Just wait 'til I get up, baka, you just wait and I'll...I'll...I...." She stumbled on her good arm and collapsed back onto the beach, feeling too tired to continue her train of thought.  
  
"You'll do what, exactly?" he replied, still in an unsettlingly calm voice.  
  
"I'll fuck you up real good." It was little more than an audible whisper. The fire in her voice was gone now, only the wrath and venom remained. Asuka actually didn't really know what she would do. She knew that she couldn't do anything right now, anyway, not as long as she was in this weakened state. For the moment, idle threats would have to do. She couldn't afford to be weak, especially not in front of HIM, of all people. But she would make good on those threats at a later date.  
  
"Help yourself. There isn't anything left for you to do to me that you haven't already done." Shinji continued to sound disinterested, but a small amount of despair made its way out of his mouth.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?!"  
  
"As if you don't know.......as if it makes a bit of difference, now."  
  
"....I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"  
  
"Is that all you can ever say to me?" A genuine sense of curiosity escaped from his lips, hitching a ride on those words. He turned his head ever so slightly so that he could hear her better, but he still wasn't actually able to see her. If he could see her right now, he'd find that she was lying back down on the ground, looking away from him.  
  
"JUST SHUT UP! Just...go away.." The distress in her voice was apparent enough. Asuka sounded as if she didn't have strength enough to hold back the tears like she normally did.  
  
"Just answer the question. Why are 'I hate you' and 'get away from me' all you can ever say to me?"  
  
"Because you're a stupid asshole and I hate you! You don't deserve to breathe the same air as me! You're not even worthy enough to occupy the same existence as me!"  
  
"Why is that? Why do you hate that much?"  
  
It was Shinji's turn to get impatient. "Hey, I'm talking to y-"  
  
"WHAT PARTS OF 'SHUT UP' AND 'GET AWAY FROM ME' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND! AM I CURRENTLY TALKING IN GERMAN OR SOMETHING?"  
  
"No, you're just talking out of your ass."  
  
"Ooooh, I hate you! Just wait until the recovery crews get here, you just wait until I'm out of the hospital! As soon as they discharge me, I'm gonna redefine the phrase 'fuck your day up!' "  
  
"Take a good look around, Asuka! Does it look like anybody's coming to our rescue?"  
  
Asuka had been too busy being tired and arguing with Shinji to get a good sense of her surroundings. It was then she realized that they appeared to be in the middle of Tokyo-3, except that they were on a beach, next to a giant red lake. To her memory, there wasn't a beach in the middle of the city, and beaches certainly did not reek of blood.  
  
Asuka was busy taking in the new sites and surroundings, her cerebrum trying to process it all. Mostly out of shock she managed to squeeze out "What the hell happened to this place?"  
  
"Third Impact is what happened to this place." Shinji returned to his apathetic tone.  
  
"Third Impact?!" Asuka looked back over at Shinji. "You mean, we failed?"  
  
"'We' is not entirely correct. It's more like 'I'. 'I' failed to stop Third Impact."  
  
Asuka felt that familiar anger that only Shinji could call forth rising up from her depths. She was in enough shock as it was, she didn't know how to deal with this new information.  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU SCREW UP SO BAD? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING? FUCK THAT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT FUCKING CORNER WERE YOU HIDING IN DOING HENTAI THINGS TO YOURSELF WHILE EVERYTHING AROUND YOU WAS GOING TO FUCKING HELL?!" Her rant was going to have to end there for right now, she was running short of breath and, despite the renewed flow of energy thanks to the adrenaline that had gotten pumped into her system, she was again beginning to tire out. She was panting, but at least she was back on the ground again.  
  
He was rather taken aback by Asuka's remark about doing hentai things to himself. He wondered if she somehow knew what he did in her hospital room already or if she was just trying to hit nerves.  
  
"Everyone's AT Field was dismantled, converting their physical bodies into LCL, while their souls were absorbed into Instrumentality. Or, put another way, every last person is now floating in that red ring up there."  
  
"What? People don't have AT Fields!" Asuka was making no effort at all to conceal the surprise and shock in her voice. She looked over at the lake, and then up at the sky, trying hard not to breathe in through her nose too deeply, almost ready to vomit in the presence of the stench of blood. She still didn't understand everything that was happening, and she certainly wasn't as informed about the situation as Shinji appeared to be.  
  
This was too much for her to handle. She had been.....what had she been doing before? The last thing she could recall right off the top of her head was coming out of her coma and awakening inside her Eva, screaming something about not wanting to die. She didn't remember anything beyond that. She didn't even know how she woke up on this beach. This was just too much to take in all at once.  
  
"Yes, they do. It's what keeps our souls inside our bodies. It can manifest itself as a physical barrier like when we use it to protect ourselves in our Evas, but it's mainly a shield for the soul. It separates us from one another, what makes us individuals, keeps us from injuring one another. But it also isolates us, prevents us from becoming close to one another."  
  
At times like this, when Asuka didn't have the slightest clue, she did the only thing she knew to do; beat up on Shinji. It was much easier to attack the spineless hentai baka and blame him for everything than face reality.  
  
"What the fuck are you going on about? And how do you know so much about all of this? And if you're so fucking smart, where the hell is everybody?"  
  
"You're taking this pretty well, considering." Shinji himself didn't entirely know himself if he was trying to be serious or if he was just trying to lighten the mood.  
  
"I don't have time for your shit, baka. Tell me what I need to know!" she barked.  
  
Shinji started to sit up, but he had his back to Asuka, still refusing to turn around and face her. "I mean just that; everyone is gone! They're not really 'dead,' just turned into another form. They have left behind the existence you and I are familiar with. They're united as one again."  
  
"What do you mean 'again?'" She was still trying to digest everything else he had just said about Third Impact, but if she was going to get out of this mess, get away from HIM, she needed to know as much as she could about the situation at hand.  
  
"While you were in a coma, I had killed the seventeenth Angel." Shinji paused for a few seconds and bowed his head, holding back the tears, honoring the memory of his one and only true friend. Even if he was an Angel, Kaoru had still become his best friend, the one person who probably truly cared about Shinji. Kauro was as human to him as anyone else was. "After that, I was told that I had defeated the final angel. That was the end, Asuka; we won the war. We defeated all the Angels! Unfortunately, that proved to be very wrong."  
  
"What do you mean? And how did they come to the conclusion that there were only seventeen Angels?"  
  
"Are you sure you want to hear this?"  
  
"Baka! Just tell me what I want to know!"  
  
Shinji sighed deeply, preparing himself. "Very well, just don't interrupt me, okay? It's kind of a long story.  
  
"I don't have all the answers, but what I do know is that an organization called SEELE was in charge of information like that. They had something called 'The Dead Sea Scrolls,' a collection of ancient texts that supposedly predicted the coming of the Angels. Well, in the scrolls, it was said that seventeen Angels would appear before Man, each Angel acting as a sort of 'trial,' to prove Man's worthiness to enter Instrumentality." Shinji paused, waiting to see if Asuka wanted to hear more.  
  
Asuka wasn't entirely sure she wanted to hear the rest, but curiosity was getting the better of her, and Shinji still had yet to explain how he was responsible for Third Impact. "Go on."  
  
"Well it turns out that there was actually an eighteenth Angel, the true final Angel. That Angel is Humanity."  
  
"What the fuck?! You mean we're all Angels?"  
  
"Essentially, yes. The eighteenth Angel was born of Lilith, the second Angel. Humanity is also known as the Lilum, the offspring of Lilith. Lilith brought into the world this Angel, and the Angel split itself into many parts. It's soul split into many pieces, as did it's AT Field. Lilith's blood, which we know to be LCL, formed the biological component for our existence. You were unconscious at the time, but Dr. Akagi took Misato and me on a tour of the restricted parts of NERV. It seems that NERV had managed to capture Lilith and kept her imprisoned in the lower levels, among other things..." Shinji clearly sounded disturbed at that last part. He wasn't sure how to break the news about Rei to Asuka, at least not yet.  
  
"Lilith was born of Adam, the first Angel, as were the other fifteen Angels that we killed. So you see, there is no fundamental difference between Angels and human beings. The Angels we have defeated are also humans, but they are humans that have taken on non-human forms. They represent what humanity could have become, what humanity could have evolved into.  
  
"SEELE came to the conclusion that Humanity had reached an evolutionary dead-end. We would not continue to evolve on a biological level, that this form we all take is as good as it gets, and so they took it upon themselves to start Third Impact. This, of course, involved killing off the other Angels so that they wouldn't reach Adam. You know about the truth behind Second Impact; the truth was that Adam caused the South Pole to melt. Adam was basically a giant S2 organ, a mass-to-energy converter, and the energy he put out melted the South Pole and flooded the earth.  
  
"Well, before the flood, an expedition team, which was conveniently funded by SEELE, was sent to investigate a meteor impact at the South Pole. That 'meteor' was actually Adam. SEELE had them try to capture Adam and bring him back for study, but Adam was released, causing Second Impact. SEELE knew this would happen; they let it happen on purpose to set the stage for Third Impact. Even though Adam was released, he collapsed back into his embryonic form. SEELE then captured him, although the Commander eventually got a hold of him somehow and had him locked up in the lower levels of NERV. The rest involved us and the Evas. If the other Angels, who were born of Adam, returned to him, they would initiate a Third Impact in which Humanity wasn't a part of the equation. It was our job to kill off the other Angels, thereby securing SEELE's control over Third Impact."  
  
"So that's why the Angels kept attacking Tokyo-3?" Asuka asked.  
  
"Right."  
  
"But what about when the seventh attacked the UN Pacific Fleet?"  
  
"I think that was because Adam was also being transported, along with you and your Eva."  
  
"Mein Gott in Himmel! You mean we were used the whole time?"  
  
"Pretty much. Unfortunately, it gets worse than that. Are you sure you want to hear this? All I can tell you is the truth, nothing more." Shinji felt he should at least offer, but he really liked being able to fill Asuka in on the details. It was helping him come to grips with it all himself.  
  
"How much worse can it get?"  
  
"It seems our Evas were built from the Angels, as well. Your Eva and Rei's Eva were built based upon Adam's DNA and form, only slightly altered so as to not be a perfect clone. Another thing Dr. Akagi showed Misato and me was this room with pits that were completely filled with bones. Eva bones. It was a giant Eva graveyard, a collection of their failures at controlling Angel biology. They were the failed attempts at growing Evas. My Eva, however, is a direct clone of Lilith. That meant that if something were to happen to the real Lilith before SEELE saw fit, they could use my Eva as a sort of back-up.  
  
"Which is pretty much what happened. I was captured by the Mass Production Evas that SEELE had released, some really weird shit happened right before my eyes, and then Third Impact happened." For some reason he wasn't yet prepared to tell her that he had been given the choice of whether to initiate Third Impact or not.  
  
"Mass Production Evas?" Asuka's own memory gaps began to fill themselves in. Waking up to Shinji and the LCL lake, she didn't really remember how she had gotten there or what she was doing before. Now she remembered facing off against the nine towering Evas, covered in white armor and sporting retractable wings that had a pattern of this chilling pair of eyes painted on them. She recalled their jagged grins, the way the light reflected off their monstrous teeth and ruby lips. She remembered beating them all soundly, despite being out-numbered and having lost her power supply when her umbilical cable was severed. She beat them all in under 3 minutes and 30 seconds, which was how much remaining battery power she had, with a good 10 or 20 seconds to spare. She had won, once again claimed a victory, once again became the best. Then it all came tumbling back down as she remembered feeling a sharp pain in her left eye. She brought her good hand to her bandaged eye and felt the gauze, but explored no further, for fear of what she might find. Then she remembered losing all power and her Eva couldn't move anymore, but the nerve connections were still there. Then she remembered a searing pain moving up the length of her right arm, then she remembered feeling like she was being eaten alive, the pain feeling distant and not nearly as intense, but disturbingly familiar nonetheless.  
  
Not wanting to remember that particular incident further, Asuka came to and continued with her questions. "What was so special about Lilith?"  
  
"That's where I'm confused. I guess that if Lilith was used, Instrumentality would happen how SEELE wanted it to happen."  
  
"Why did Akagi tell you all this?"  
  
Shinji was trying to choose his words carefully before answering. "It's...cc-c-complicated. Ritsuko was h-hhaving...an affair with....the Commander. She kinda got...disgruntled. But she only filled me in on Lilith and Rei...shit!" He hadn't meant to let that last part slip out.  
  
"What about 'Wonder Girl?'" Asuka said her pet name for Rei with as much venom as she could muster.  
  
"That's another story for another day, I don't think you really want to get into that right now. Anyway, Misato is the one who told me about SEELE and the Dead Sea Scrolls and the eighteenth Angel. I think She was building on where Kaji had left off. Kaji was some sort of spy that was trying to get at the truth behind everything; the Evas, the Angels, Second Impact, the Instrumentality Project, everything. I don't know who he really worked for or why he wanted to find all this out, but when he....disappeared, Misato decided to finish what Kaji had started. Everything else I know....I just magically know it somehow, like somebody told me, except that they didn't."  
  
"Misato....Kaji-kun......" Asuka whispered their names as if trying to dignify them with her words. Asuka remembered her purple-haired guardian and how she had never thanked her for letting her stay at her apartment. She thought of Kaji, who she was still in love with, even though she herself was beginning to accept that Kaji never would and never could love her in that way. She also remembered how he had disappeared. From what she could beat out of Shinji when Kaji left that fateful message on the answering machine, it looked like Kaji had left their lives for good, and with the knowledge that he was a spy of sorts, it was likely that he disappeared because he was dead. Now none of that mattered, they were floating above the earth right now.  
  
"Wait a minute, if everything you just said about Third Impact is true, then why are you and me still here? Why did we get left behind? Why aren't we up there with them right now?" Asuka was beginning to sound upset again, and not the "I'm so angry I'll fucking cut you" kind of upset, the "I don't know what's going on anymore and I'm confused" kind of upset.  
  
"You mean you don't know?" Shinji asked. He seemed a little surprised and disappointed.  
  
"If I fucking knew, would I be asking you, Third Child?" Asuka was getting impatient again.  
  
"Tell me, what's the last thing you remember. Do you remember waking up out of your coma? Did you have any really weird dreams or visions afterwards?"  
  
"Why is it any of your concern, Third Child? You seem to know so much already, why don't you just answer my question?"  
  
"Because I don't know what happened to you out there! I just remember running to your position as fast as I could and then..then...." Shinji couldn't find the words to describe the horror that he had seen.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"..I...I...."  
  
"FUCKING SAY IT, ALREADY! GODDAMN!"  
  
"I got there...and all I could see....was parts of Unit02 strewn about. I think...those things tore you apart and....and then they were feasting on you." Shinji was obviously troubled, and sounded like he was going to cry again. "It was just so damn horrible, Asuka! I...I didn't get there in time...and then you were gone!" Shinji was getting progressively louder, and his voice was beginning to crack. Then he dropped back down to a quiet whimper. "I can't even begin to imagine what it must've been like for you..."  
  
"Don't fucking fall apart on me now, baka! And don't even think about feeling sorry for me! Obviously I don't need your pity, seeing as I'm here right now. Come to think of it, I still wouldn't need your pity even if I was dead!" But Asuka could tell that her alleged demise had really gotten to the boy. She didn't exactly wish to relive being eaten alive, either. And then it hit her that Unit02, the giant read behemoth with four eyes, HER Eva, was gone. For almost seven years, ever since she first became a pilot, ever since her momma died, Asuka's only reason for living was piloting Eva. Now even that was gone, taken from her.  
  
Wait, momma!  
  
"Well....I do remember this one thing. I was waking up in my Eva, already in my plug suit. I kept mumbling something to myself, something about I didn't want to die. I saw this little girl, this younger version of me, asking me if I wanted to die. Suddenly, my momma...she appeared before me in Eva." Asuka's eyes were starting to water. "She said that she had always been with me, always protecting me, inside my Eva." Asuka's voice was beginning to crack as well. "All these years, after all this time, my momma never left me. She was taking care of ME. She protected ME!" For the first time in her life, Asuka didn't even bother to hold back the tears.  
  
"...You mean your mother was in your Eva, too?" Shinji was stunned at this revelation. Never had he imagined they would have something like this in common.  
  
"You mean yours was, too?" Asuka was taken aback by this new information. "So all those times your Eva went berserk, all those times it magically got up on its own, when it busted out of the twelfth Angel and went ape-shit on the fourteenth, that was your mother doing it?"  
  
"I guess, I don't know if it was actually her or not, but I know that her soul was absorbed by the Eva."  
  
Asuka contemplated his words for a moment. 'But why didn't Momma do any of that for me? Why didn't she go berserk when the fourteenth Angel attacked? Why did I lose time after time? Why didn't she protect me from the fifteenth Angel? Momma, didn't you love me then?' Then Asuka recalled something Rei had said to her once, something about having to "open up to your Eva" in order to properly synch with it. Hadn't she opened up to the Eva, though? And why did she need to open up? Wasn't it good enough for momma that she was there? And when should she give a damn about anything that stupid doll said?  
  
"No wonder you beat me all those times, then. Your mother obviously loved you." Asuka sounded hurt, as if she had lost another race with the Third Child.  
  
"Asuka, I was never looking to 'beat' you. I never gave a damn about being better than you or being worse than you."  
  
"HA! As if I should believe anything you say, baka! God, what a disgusting feeling! Why did I even bother telling you all this? Why did I have to be weak and cry in front of YOU?" It seemed old habits died hard.  
  
"Goddamnit, this isn't about who's better than who! And you said it yourself; your mother was protecting you, too. It's not like your mother loved you less than my mother loved me or something. Quit making a competition out of this!"  
  
"FUCK YOU, BAKA! You don't know shit! You weren't there when those Evas tore me to shreds! You weren't around when they split my arm in two and stabbed my eye! You weren't there when my momma 'promised' she'd protect me, only to fail me! In fact, your stupid ass didn't even show up! YOU LEFT ME TO DIE, JUST LIKE MOMMA LET ME DIE!"  
  
"They had replicas of the Lance of Longinus. That's the only weapon that AT Fields are ineffective against. You know that! There's no way your mother could have protected you from something like that. And anyway, I would've shown up sooner if my Eva wasn't covered in Bakelite!" Shinji was trying to remain calm, but his patience with the fiery red-headed German was wearing thin.....again.  
  
The logic made perfect sense, but of course Asuka's pride would have none of it. "More excuses and lies, Third Child? You were able to get into your Eva, weren't you? Isn't it a little too convenient that you just didn't make it in time?"  
  
Shinji was feeling the sting in each word she uttered. "There is no conspiracy against you, Asuka! I couldn't get into my Eva, and then when I heard you scream over the comm, my Eva moved on its own and freed itself! Then I was able to get to you, but it was too late!"  
  
"Fuck you! Why didn't your precious Eva move sooner, hmmmm?"  
  
"Knock this off! You've got it all wrong!"  
  
"No, Third Child, YOU'VE got it all wrong. You can't possibly expect me to believe that the great and mighty Invincible Shinji was going to ride in and save the forever-helpless Asuka, can you? I'm not a fucking invalid, I fucked up all nine of those pieces of shit, WITHOUT your help, no less! I would've beaten them all, too, if momma hadn't let me down again!" Asuka was now a mixture of anger, angst, and bitter disappointment.  
  
Shinji decided that he had enough. He was getting tired of Asuka opening up to him one minute and then being...like THIS the next. It was about time that he tested her resolve, see if she's really as good as she believes she is. Besides, she was too weak to even sit up. He could safely say his piece without fear of reprisal. At least until she got better, anyway, but it wouldn't matter to him by then.  
  
Shinji shifted his body so that he was now facing Asuka, gazing down at her from only a few feet away.  
  
Yes, this was going to be sweet.  
  
"What's the matter, Asuka? Couldn't beat them on your own without help? Had to have your momma watching your back? You can let your momma protect you, but not wait for me to get there and help out? Your momma probably 'let you down' because she saw how obviously bad ass you were and that she didn't need to help momma's little girl anymore. You're a goddamn hypocrite!"  
  
To say that Asuka was pissed would be a fatal understatement. For at least a good half a minute, she could only lie there on the ground with her mouth hanging open. She was taken aback not only by the clearly deliberate spite in Shinji's words, but also the fact that he did have a good point. She had relied upon someone, expected them to help her, and then she wanted to know why she had suffered a terrible defeat. That, and HE was lecturing her on hypocrisy.  
  
"How...dare...you! You weren't there, you don't understand! How fucking dare you talk down to me and put down my mother like that!"  
  
"It's okay for you to rant and bitch about how your mother failed to protect you from something that she couldn't protect you from anyway, but as soon as I agree with you I don't understand? WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME, THEN, OH GREAT ONE?"  
  
"You....you....YOU!!!-"  
  
"Oh wait, I already know. You can't fucking stand having anyone help you. Poow wittle Asuka Langley Sohryou has to do everything on her own. Poor old Asuka carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, not anyone else! The Great Asuka Langley Sohryou is too good and too important to ask for a helping hand now and again. She's above all that. She's completely self-reliant. Only dumkopfs and bakas ask for help. Having to let someone help you means you're WEAK. CAN'T HAVE THAT, CAN WE ASUKA? CAN'T BE SEEN AS WEAK, CAN WE?"  
  
"STOP...RIGHT...THERE!!!" she was forcing the words between her clenched teeth, bits of her saliva flying out as well.  
  
"Or else what? HUH? What's the matter, does the truth hurt? What's really your problem, Asuka? Is it the fact that you were denied your precious victory again, or is it that you feel let down? Why should it matter if I didn't get there in time to save you? You've never wanted my help before, nor did you ever seem to believe that you ever would need my help ever. Why do you care if I didn't make it in time to save you, hmmmm? Or is that just it; you DO care! You care about other people and what they think about you! You act like you don't, you lie to yourself and pretend like you're number one all the time, but you know what they say about being on top, Asuka; it's lonely at the top!"  
  
At this point, Asuka was sitting upright again. Her remaining good eye was bloodshot, and she looked royally pissed. She was breathing in short but slow bursts. If you threw some military gear and ammo on her, she'd look like a soldier with her game-face on, ready for battle.  
  
Then she did something Shinji wasn't expecting, something he didn't count on. She lunged at him, covering the good two feet between them in only a fraction of a second, and wasted no time clasping her hands around his throat. Her momentum carried her into Shinji, knocking them both to the ground with a loud thud, Asuka landing right on top of Shinji. He had been caught completely off guard, he obviously misjudged just how weakened she was. Now she had him pinned, feeling his life leaving him. She was kneeling on top of him, sitting midday between his chest and stomach, with his arms trapped underneath her shins. Once again, he was at the mercy of Asuka's wrath. Once again, he was just her play thing, a dress-up doll that she could do whatever she wanted to and then discard him like yesterday's trash.  
  
In that moment, she didn't care about inflicting pain upon him, she wasn't interested in slapping his face, hammering him in the back of the skull, or kneeing him in the groin. This time, she just wanted him to die for speaking the words that should have NEVER been spoken. She wanted to kill him for being right. She ignored the screams of agony radiating out from her right arm as she tightened both her hands around his scrawny neck.  
  
But soon that wasn't enough. She didn't want him to pass out, yet, let alone die. She didn't just want him to suffer defeat by her hands; he needed to retract his previous statement. She could never live it down if she just killed him without him groveling at her feet. She had met him a broken, spineless wuss, he would leave a broken, spineless wuss.  
  
She then loosened her grip only slightly, just enough that he could get air in to speak.  
  
"You should've killed me when you had the chance, you little shit! Don't EVER think for a moment that you were EVER better than me! Don't you EVER think that I EVER needed your help! And don't EVER think that I EVER needed YOU! I never needed anybody!" Every time she said the word "ever," she would jerk his neck violently.  
  
"You are a worthless baka, baka! You will NEVER be better than me! And before I kill you, you'll ADMIT that! Now SAY IT! ADMIT that you're weaker than me! ADMIT WHAT A WRITHING WORM YOU ARE! ADMIT THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN YOU! BEG ME FOR MERCY, YOU SPINELESS COCK!! SCREAM MY NAME!!!!!"  
  
Shinji knew he was done for, there was no point in going on. But what he would NOT do was let her have the satisfaction she so craved. He could take whatever physical torture she could dish out; he'd dealt with it for almost a full year, anyway, and well, when you almost get killed by an Angel every other month, you tend to get used to physical pain.  
  
"..No." he said with a strange resolve and an even stranger air of defiance.  
  
"THEN I'LL FUCKING BEAT IT OUT OF YOU!" And with that, she balled her left fist up, drew it back, and proceeded to punch him in the face. She did this over, and over, until his nose was a bloody pulp, both his lips were bleeding and swollen, and he had a right black eye. Every time a punch landed, it was accompanied by a mist of sweat and blood. Shinji's good white shirt now had deep crimson stains on it. This only seemed to encourage Asuka; she seemed to draw primal pleasure from both the drawing of his blood and his grunts of pain.  
  
The barrage of punches and strikes were growing further apart and less powerful with each succession. It was obvious that she was tiring out again.  
"HAD ENOUGH?"  
  
He scoffed at her and flashed a spiteful grin, coughing up blood. "I've killed Angels with my bare hands who've hit me harder than that!"  
  
Asuka wasn't about to take that from the wimpy little boy. She took the thumbs of her hand and started pressing them hard into his eye sockets. Shinji could feel the pressure building up on his eye balls, hurting like no other and threatening to permanently damage his sight. Shinji cried out in terrible agony.  
  
Asuka spoke as she did this, yelling over him. "YOU'RE NOT DYING UNTIL YOU ADMIT THAT I'M BETTER THAN YOU! MAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF, THIRD CHILD! TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! RUN AWAY FROM THE PAIN! GIVE UP AND LET ME KILL YOU! YOU WILL DIE WITHOUT ANY HONOR OR RESPECT OR DECENCY ANYWAY, JUST GO AHEAD AND GIVE UP!"  
  
Shinji was lying there this whole time, letting Asuka inflict the damage however she saw fit. As she was talking, however, he noticed that the pressure on his eyes was slowly decreasing. This couldn't be because the nerves were going numb, could it? Then it hit him; Asuka was still in a weakened state. Her fit of rage had given her the strength she needed to overpower the boy, but it couldn't go on forever. No matter how much her bare strength of will carried her one way, her body was straining to go another way. Regardless of the drive she was feeling right now, it would do her no good if her body could not respond. Soon she wouldn't be able to continue on, and then his opening would present itself.  
  
But did he really want to take that opening? Maybe he deserved this. Maybe he deserved to be punished like this, to be tortured day after day by her in this hell.  
  
No, he couldn't accept this, not from her, anyway. Like him, she had given up on all hope. She had no respect for life, no respect for anyone else. She had pretty much wallowed in a pity of her own design and wished death upon everyone else, much as he did. She deserved to be in this hell just as much as he did. She had no right to be angry. She gave that up the moment she decided to dominate him and treat him as her doll. He could accept this torture from anybody else, because of what he had done during Third Impact. He could take the torturing of all three billion people whose lives were now ruined because of him. He knew what he had done, and even if he could never atone for what he has done, he would still make it up to them all. But more importantly, he would never again live in the shadow of his own mistakes and let them swallow him. He had promised his mother, promised Kauro, and promised himself that he would go on living, no matter how much it hurt.  
  
But to do that, he needed to get this Red Devil off of him.  
  
And besides, he would NOT take anymore of HER shit.  
  
With his since of purpose renewed and with new-found strength, he managed to pull out his arms from underneath Asuka's legs and grabbed her by the wrists. He proceeded to squeeze as hard as he could, knowing that he wasn't strong enough to snap the bones, but seeing as she was a girl and was of a lighter frame, he could really hurt her if he really wanted to. He as rewarded with the pressure on his eyeballs being reduced to naught and a yelp of pain from Asuka. Then he remembered that her right arm was injured. Taking advantage of this and hoping that her pain threshold couldn't remain where it was forever, he squeezed down even harder on the bandaged limb, drawing out further screams of agony from the German bitch. She retaliated by taking her good arm and trying to strike his face again. Shinji would have none of it; he used his remaining arm to block as best as he could. But since she was trying to strike at his face and since his eyes did still hurt, he found it very hard to fight the protective reflexes of his eyelids clamping down. Growing concerned but still gaining the upper hand, he shoved out hard and blindly. He could feel his hand slamming into Asuka's left breast, knocking the wind out of her and pushing her off of him, sending her flying back.  
  
Now that he was free again, Shinji stood up and opened his eyes. Everything was a little blurry and his eyes hurt, but he could still see, and that was enough for the moment. He quickly turned his attention to Asuka, trying to assess the threat in front of him. Sure enough, she was getting back up as well, but she was looking very fatigued. She was also clutching her chest, trying to regain her breath. The little hentai had touched her in a forbidden spot. He would surely die, now.  
  
Asuka knew she couldn't go on much longer, and she knew that he knew as well, but she was unlikely to give up, even when faced with such odds.  
  
'This is just going to piss her off further.' Shinji thought, smiling inwardly.  
  
"DIIIEEE!" Asuka roared at him, making a run straight for him. But she wasn't nearly as quick as before, and Shinji reacted with ease. He just grabbed her wrists again, trying to restrain her. Asuka, being the animal that she was in that moment, maneuvered his right arm right in front of her face and proceeded to clamp down her jaws into his arm, pearly white teeth digging into the tender bare flesh, ready to satisfy their mistress's bloodlust. Shinji flinched greatly, but fought through the pain and proceeded to ball up his left fist, the projectile making contact with Asuka's right temple. The knuckles of his pointer and middle finger dug deep into the temple, sending a wave of pain over Asuka and dazing her. She bent over, clutching the wound with her right hand.  
  
Shinji could still not bring himself to kill her, but he knew that if he did nothing, she would not hesitate to kill him. So he would do the next best thing; knock her out cold. Shinji ran up at her and proceeded to bring his right leg up fast and hard, the top of his shoe making sharp contact with the back of her hand. He could feel the hand smacking into her face, though, making the act even more glorious. She flipped her head up into the air, long locks of red hair flying outwards, before falling backwards back into the sand. She lay there, still dazed, and proceeded to roll onto her side, curling up into a defensive fetal position, burying her face in both her hands. Unsure of whether or not she was conscious, Shinji approached the beast with caution, ready to strike back if she attacked again. He immediately vanquished all plans of counter-attack when he thought he heard the sounds of sobbing.  
  
The sobbing was coming from Asuka. He could barely believe it! This had to be some kind of trick, a way to get him to lower his guard. Raising his defenses again, he leaned in closer to investigate.  
  
"Asuka?"  
  
"GO AWAY! (sob) Just leave me to die! (sob) Just like you left me to the fifteenth! (sob) Just like momma let me get torn to pieces!" She continued to cry like this for a minute.  
  
"Verdamt, I'm so pathetic. Nobody cares about me! Momma didn't care about me, poppa didn't even try to care about me, Kaji didn't care about me, Misato didn't care about me, Hikari didn't care about me, YOU never cared about me!" She seemed to put emphasis on the fact that HE didn't care about her. "And now I will finally die all alone, just like I always wanted, because that's what I told everyone that I wanted." The sorrow in her voice seemed to contradict her assertion that this was the death that she always sought.  
  
Upon hearing these words and sensing her feelings of hurt and betrayal, mercy once again washed over Shinji's heart. It would never cleanse him of the guilt of his actions, but it at least drowned out the anger that was within him.  
  
For what felt like the billionth time in his life, Shinji Ikari felt lower than dirt. He had been ready to give up on Asuka, HAD given up on her already, and yet here she was, a broken, scared little girl who just needed someone to hold her, to pay attention to her, to chase away the boogey men and closet monsters and make the world right with an offering of sprinkled ice cream. They were exactly the same; lonely children who did not have the family relationships they had always wanted. And even though her mother could have done nothing to save Asuka from a Lance of Longinus attack, he could understand that she felt betrayed. Her mother had promised to protect her, and she could not.  
  
And maybe, just maybe, Asuka was like Shinji in that she could not let anyone in for fear of being hurt. Like him, she also had probably known only disappointment and abandonment. He didn't know that for sure, but if only he could get her to open up to him, relay to him her experiences, he could begin to understand her, maybe even to help her.  
  
No wait, she didn't need his help, she didn't need anybody. Or if she did, she'd be too proud to ask. 'Fuck her,' he thought with a touch of bitterness, 'if she isn't going to ask for help, I'm not going to give it.' At the very least, hearing about Asuka's problems would help Shinji to heal some of his own wounds.  
  
But even though Shinji felt such things at the moment, he was still certain that he at least hated the bossy German girl. Actually, he wasn't really sure what he felt for her anymore. He couldn't stand to look at her anymore, wanted nothing more to do with her anymore, yet he was unprepared to just leave her here to die on this beach. For some reason, he still cared about what happened to her.  
  
Shinji recognized that it would be easy to run away from the pain again, run and leave it behind and let someone else clean up the mess. But this was the life that Shinji had chosen; he rejected the formless world of neutrality. He then realized the hypocrisy at having tried to strangle Asuka. He wanted to get rid of her because he was tired of the pain they generated, but he also could not live a life where nothing exists. Shinji, at the very least, was not going to run away. If Asuka wanted to commit suicide or move to the other ends of the earth, then it would be her choice. Shinji would not choose for her. But she would not be allowed to kill him again. Shinji had made too many promises to too many important people (important to him, anyway) to just end it all now.  
  
And then Shinji had another thought. He still knew so little about Asuka. He wanted to know what he had done that was so terrible that she hated him almost immediately. He wanted to know why she was such a horrible person, as well. He wanted to know what made her tick; why does she act one way at one moment and then the other way the next? He knew that she would not crack easily, if ever. And if she never did, so be it. But he still felt he had to try. He had already been trying for the past year. He could not yet call it quits on the mystery of Asuka Langley Sohryou.  
  
Once he had felt satisfied that he understood her, he would then leave her alone if she so desired. They could go their separate ways, never speak to one another ever again, and hope that someone else would return from the void that was Instrumentality and save them from one another.  
  
With a plan hatching inside his bruised skull, Shinji hunched over and spoke to the German girl in a soft yet cold voice, a combination that might've made Gendo proud.  
  
"If death and loneliness are what you desire, then you shall have them. However, they will not come to you just yet. I have unfinished business with you, 'Second Child.' Once I am convinced that it is settled, you may do as you wish. Until then, don't try to move. I will return as soon as I can."  
  
He walked off, not in any particular direction, but if his plan was going to work, he would need to make the necessary preparations.

* * *

Like I said, this story is not complete. If you care enough to find out what happens next (OOH! SUSPENSE!), I'll write the next chapter. 


	4. In Your Dreams

Okay, this isn't really a continuation of the story, this is more filler. But it will provide some insight into Asuka's psyche. Well, my interpretation of it, anyway.  
  
On an additional note, I've gone back through the other three chapters and done some editing. I removed all the typos and even did a bit of rewording. Nothing serious, just changed some sentences around...and stuff. The chapter titles should also be there soon. You're welcome to re-read the chapters if you want.  
  
I altered the author's notes in the first chapter to make note of it, but I did that AFTER THE FACT. So in case you missed it the first time around and didn't get the memo because you already read the first chapter, here it is again.

* * *

4. In Your Dreams  
  
Asuka got tired of sitting there on that desolate beach and decided to head out on her own, not particularly caring about what she might find. Anything was better than having to face Shinji again. The baka had shown intestinal fortitude before, but never had he tried to kill her or attack her. It just wasn't normal, even for him. Even if he was a spineless baka hentai, she had pegged him as the last person in the world to want to harm her.  
  
Then again, he WAS the last person in the world.  
  
Still, it wasn't supposed to be like this. HE wasn't supposed to be like this.  
  
She walked away from the shoreline and headed for the ruins of the former city of Tokyo-3. As the sand beneath her gave way to asphalt, she had somehow found her way into a park. She wasn't really paying any attention to it, but the sky had turned dangerously black, although she could see the ground in front of her as clear as day. As she entered the park and trotted along the trail, the scenery had transformed itself into an impassible tangle of trees on both sides and what felt like an infinite path down the dirt road. There was something about the trees she really didn't like; they seemed to be mangled and twisted in any number of violent ways, as if the trees were somehow aware and had the intention of doing her bodily harm.  
  
Growing impatient and wanting to get the hell out of this forest, she began to run. It felt rather strange trying to run; it was as if her legs were trying to move through molasses. Within a few minutes, however, she had reached the end of the trail and had discovered what seemed to be a rather cozy country home. Something about the two-story brick house in the middle of nowhere felt very familiar, almost like she had been here before. The sky had also become more crimson in appearance, laced with foreboding.  
  
Asuka ran through the front yard and tried to reach the front door, but as the distance between her and her objective diminished, she could feel more and more dread eating at her heart. Somewhere deep inside her, she knew that something was about to happen, something that she knew all too well, something she wanted no part of anymore.  
  
Then she heard a little girl screaming from behind her out in the woods. As the little girl got closer, Asuka got a good look at her. She was probably about two and a half feet tall, just shy of being half of Asuka's height. She had wild red hair that ran down past her shoulders. She was wearing a little red Sunday dress and little black shoes. She had a very ecstatic look on her face, as if everything she had ever wanted was suddenly granted to her.  
  
The little girl was yelling at the top of her lungs, her voice being a high-pitched squeal. From the sounds of things, it seemed like she was on top of the world.  
  
"Momma! Momma! I have wonderful news, momma!"  
  
And the feeling of imminent doom was upon Asuka again. She suddenly felt the urge to protect this girl from anything and everything.  
  
'No, kid, get out of here! You don't want to be HERE!'  
  
"It's supposed to be a secret, but I'll tell it only to you, momma!"  
  
'Get away from here, kid! Don't go into the house!'  
  
"They picked me to pilot, momma! I'll never be lonely again, momma!"  
  
'That's not true, little girl, it's just not true!'  
  
"I'll be alright, even without poppa!"  
  
'No you won't! Run away from here, stupid! Do ANYTHING but stay here!'  
  
This was just like her nightmares, which were always the same; Asuka would try to move, but find herself fixed in place. It was as if the whole situation was destined to loop back in front of her again and again, torturing her for all of eternity. She would struggle on, nevertheless, but it was always in vain. The little girl always made it to the house and bared witness to the horrors in front of her, as did Asuka. Every night, Asuka failed both the little girl and herself.  
  
As the girl finally made it next to the front door, Asuka found that she had regained command of her body once again. She immediately blitzed for the girl, not that it would matter anyhow. She once again found it nigh impossible to move at anything but a snail's pace, and the girl had already turned the knob on the door. Asuka threw her arms out in front of her in a futile attempt to get physically closer to the little girl. The door swung open, revealing only an impenetrable wall of pain and horror. As soon as the door completely cleared, Asuka lost visual track of the little girl as she disappeared into the house.  
  
It was too late to press the matter any further, but Asuka pushed on regardless, naively clinging to any hope of rectifying the situation. When she made it into the house, she could not see the little girl anywhere, although she heard the ever-present sound of a rope creaking under the stress of a heavy object swinging from it.  
  
But what Asuka saw in front of her was different from her usual nightmares. Instead of an actual body hanging from the rope in the middle of the room, it was a little doll. The doll had red yarn for hair and blue buttons for eyes, reminding Asuka of someone she knew all too well. And the doll was smiling. Not a friendly, "play with me" kind of smile, though. This was a sadistic smile. It spoke of the doll snatching victory from Asuka's pathetic, undeserving grasp, as if she and the doll were in a race and the doll had beaten her soundly. No matter how close she came, she was always defeated by nothing more than a sack of stuffing.  
  
The doll was also laughing at her. It was a cackling of sorts, and it seemed to be the same laughter over and over again, like a broken record. The spite that it conveyed sent both a chill down Asuka's spine and a surge of rage through her arms as she tore the doll into pieces. She wanted anything to stop that laughing, had to stop it from laughing at HER. It was just a stupid doll and she was the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou; it would be made to learn it's proper place.  
  
(Author's notes: for those of you who saw the Batman movie, think of the laughter you hear at the end of the movie when the Joker is found splattered all over the pavement.)  
  
She tore off it's head, ripped off it's button eyes with her teeth, pulled off limbs, yanked out its cotton fluff innards, anything to ensure it's total destruction. Yet it's laughter only grew in volume and malevolence, achieving near-maniacal levels. This only egged Asuka on, but soon all the white stuffing and body parts had been distributed across the floor. The laughter only became harsher, forcing Asuka to cup her hands with her ears and shriek. It was a cry of a mixture of unspeakable pain, humiliation, frustration, and fear, the fear that one feels when all their hopes and dreams have been dashed.  
  
She had to scream over the voice, drown it out so that she didn't have to hear it anymore.  
  
Soon they were engaged in another battle; to see who could be the loudest. As much as Asuka pushed on, however, her voice was beginning to give out, and once again she had to admit defeat. The voice only fed off of this latest victory and used it to enclose Asuka with a barrier of anger and despair.  
  
Or was it her own anger and despair at having been beaten by IT yet again?  
  
No matter, she couldn't bear it anymore; she had to get out of this place. Even running away to be defeated by it another day was better than remaining in its presence.  
  
She ran for the door, which had somehow closed on its own, and began to jiggle the handle. No response; the door would not budge. She began clawing at it with her bare finger nails, but the only thing that yielded was deep red grooves in the good wood, red with her own blood. She felt a tingly sensation in her fingertips, but it wasn't a sensation of pain. The really weird part was that the door sort of gave way easily, like wet sand.  
  
She didn't have time to dig through the door, though. There was no time for these shenanigans. She had to get away, and fast.  
  
Asuka was getting desperate; the laughter was still in full effect, and it seemed to be coming from all around. She didn't know where her mysterious arch nemesis was, and therefore didn't know from where it would strike. It didn't matter, however. Her enemy knew Asuka all too well, in much the same way as Asuka was intimately acquainted with it. It knew all of her secrets, all of her weaknesses, and it would not hesitate to exploit them all. It was the one foe that Asuka could not overcome, that she could not proclaim victory over. The only thing she could ever hope for was to run away from it all. But even that was futile; even among the alert and the living the monster was stalking her. Asuka knew that she was never safe in her dreams, she just couldn't fight it there. But she didn't know how to fight it in the real world, either. She had no idea how to fight the monster at all. It was always stalking her, hiding in all the dark corners, always waiting for that perfect moment to strike, which it always did.  
  
Said monster was sometimes only a half a foot tall and made up of cloth and cotton filler.  
  
Said monster was sometimes a five feet tall and pale-skinned bitch with light blue hair and blood-colored irises.  
  
Said monster was sometimes a five feet tall and brown-haired cowardly boy.  
  
Said monster always stole everything that was ever important to Asuka. HAD stolen everything ever important to her.  
  
The creature that was the embodiment of all her personal demons had stolen her mother, and it continued even to this day to steal anyone and everyone away from her. No matter what Asuka did or said, she would always be outdone by it. Everyone she would ever meet would continue to look past her, cast HER, the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou, aside, in favor of a doll. She had everything to offer; intelligence, grace, natural beauty, talent, you name it, she had it in spades. What, then, did the lifeless, emotionless doll have that she didn't? Why was she never good enough for anybody?  
  
Since she couldn't get out the front, Asuka bee-lined for the only other exit from the room; a lone hallway. If she couldn't get out through the doorway from whence she came, perhaps she could find an alternate escape somewhere in that blackened tunnel. She wasn't moving any quicker than previously, but then again getting away from this scene at any rate greater than zero was good enough for the moment. As she got further down the hallway, the laughter died down, but she could still feel the monster's presence over her, watching her, mocking her always. She didn't look back; she didn't want to, out of a primitive fear of what she might discover.  
  
Another minute or so of traversing the passage that seemed to stretch to nowhere, Asuka reached a door on her left. Before she could open it, however, she could hear soft moans of pleasure emanating from within. Not caring about what was on the other side, Asuka burst through the door, immediately disgusted by what she found.  
  
There were two people in this room who were currently embracing one another and kissing one another very passionately. The blue-haired female was pinned against the wall with her right leg wrapped around the male's waist, hiking her skirt up in the process, and her hands gripped to the backs of his shoulders as if she wanted to take no chances of letting him go. The male, who had moppy brown hair, currently had his face buried in the female's bosom, speaking into her fully developed breasts, going on about something that had to do with thermal expansion. His left hand wrapped around her waist and seemed to be grasping her buttocks, while his right hand was slowly moving up the girl's thigh, placing it closer and closer to her nether regions. As he moved in further, the girl's moans grew louder and more erotic. Her skin, which had previously been as white as any porcelain doll, now had a more crimson hue, the flushing induced and guided by her lover's hands.  
  
Asuka did not immediately recognize the two figures, although she felt as though she should have. What she did recognize, however, was a feeling that she had felt almost every day of her life ever since her mother became sick. It filled her being when her mother would ignore her in the hospital and instead spend all her time playing with that damndable toy. It was there when her father ignored her and spent all his free time fucking that gold-digging slut who had the audacity to replace her mother. It was with her when her college professors wouldn't call upon her to answer the questions. It accompanied her whenever one of the other students tried to out-do her. It was her only date before she had reached puberty and all the girls in her dormitory were too busy with their boyfriends to concern themselves with her. It courted her whenever her male classmates still paid no attention to her after she blossomed into womanhood on the grounds that she was jail bait, even though she could feel their eyes scanning over her, fucking her.  
  
It kept her company on all those lonely nights that Kaji refused her advances.  
  
It was at its highest in quite a long time when that drunken whore stole Kaji away from her.  
  
It was still there for her whenever people would look to the Invincible Shinji to save the day instead of her.  
  
It was no stranger when Shinji's synch ratio finally surpassed hers.  
  
It smacked her in the face when Shinji sortied during the sixteenth Angel to assist Wonder Bitch.  
  
It had never been higher than when she walked into her home that fateful day almost seven years ago, when her mother chose to kill herself and take that goddamn doll with her instead of her own fucking daughter.  
  
But what had felt foreign to Asuka was that it would get to the level it had reached when Kaji was courting Misato whenever she saw the First and Third Children together. It seemed to especially be triggered by whenever the three of them would sit in class together and the baka would stare for hours at that fucking doll, who always concentrated her viewing to outside the window. It wasn't so much the act of staring, it was that look in his eyes. It was a mixture of desire and curiosity.  
  
Well, he is a desperate hentai pervert. He'd probably fuck his own mother if she was pretty enough.  
  
So how come he never looks at Asuka like that?  
  
If this feeling had a color associated with it, the best bet would be on green. As in the green in her eyes that spoke of greed. Greed for attention, greed for acknowledgement that she did indeed exist, greed for anything that confirmed she was noticed.  
  
Green with envy.  
  
Jealousy.  
  
Jealousy at having been tossed in the waste receptacle in favor of the real garbage.  
  
Above all else, she hated to be ignored by anyone. ANYONE. A small part of her died on the inside whenever she wasn't the center of attention. She wanted to rip out the eyes of whoever it was that was currently taking the spotlight from her. More specifically, she couldn't stand it when that someone was clearly inferior to her and was unfit to even be stacked next to her.  
  
She hated being compared to that fucking doll.  
  
She hated it even more when the doll was chosen over her.  
  
She bloody well lost it whenever the doll would defeat her yet again.  
  
Wasn't she ever good enough for anybody? Why was a doll always prime choice?  
  
Why couldn't have Kaji-kun chosen her over that constantly inebriated sex slave?  
  
How come HE never look at her like the way he looks at that emotionless puppet?  
  
For God's sake, Asuka and the idiot lived together. They spent a good deal of their time in one another's company, why didn't Shinji ever stare at Asuka in the way he would stare at Rei? Despite her non-stop protests to the contrary, Asuka had never really known Shinji to actually be perverted. She knew he was too polite, timid and shy to be that way. He was too afraid to actually dare to catch glimpses of her in her natural state while in the shower. He always seemed to avert his eyes whenever she would approach him in her two-piece swim suit or her towel. When they were crawling around in the vents during the eleventh Angel's attack, she yelled at him not to look up her skirt on the off-chance that he'd actually do it.  
  
When he confessed after defeating the seventh that he had tried to kiss her, she presented her usual front, but inwardly counted it as a slight victory that she had his attention.  
  
That is, when Wonder Bitch didn't come around and snatch him away again.  
  
At times Asuka felt like such a slut. She walked around the apartment at night in some considerably revealing evening wear, deliberately ran into him in nothing but a towel on occasion, even dared him to kiss her. She didn't do it because she wanted to see how good he was (but all things considered, he wasn't that bad), primarily she just wanted to have some fun with him, make sure that she still had a hold on him, make him do anything to come back for more. That, and she had to practice on someone so that she'd be ready when Kaji would finally come to his senses and sweep her off her feet.  
  
Yet she still did all of these things to HIM, always played these mind games with him, and all for what? To make sure he continued to notice her?  
  
What the hell did HE matter to her for?  
  
It wasn't necessarily that she had a crush on him (she would never dare to commit infidelity against her precious Kaji-kun), he just seemed rather...to put it in the best terms, impressionable. He appeared to be one who could easily be shaped into whatever one wanted. She couldn't have Kaji-kun as long as Misato was in the way, and if everyone else was going to ignore her, then she'd have to take matters into her own hands. She'd have to MAKE someone pay attention to her, and it didn't seem like it would take a whole lot of effort on her part to get the baka to do just that.  
  
Naturally, of course, she didn't really 'need' him. She needed nobody. She had done just fine on her own for the past seven years, she didn't need to start relying on other people now. And she certainly didn't need somebody like HIM. He couldn't even stand up for himself, he just did whatever he was told. He was just like everyone else; a lifeless doll.  
  
But that was the problem; he WASN'T just a doll. He was no doll when they defeated the sixth Angel together inside her Unit02. He was no doll when they synch-trained and defeated the seventh together. And he certainly was no doll after the eighth when he kept her from falling into the volcano against orders, resulting in not only damage to Unit01, but also disciplinary action upon himself from the Commander afterwards. She could never admit it, but he was...dependable. Even when he ran away like the immature boy that he was, he always came back and braved the pain like a real man that she knew he could be.  
  
She hated him for always stealing the show, she hated it even more that he acted indifferent to the attention, as if he wasn't trying or that he was too good for them all. Yet as long as he would always come back to the apartment and pay tribute to her with his excellent cooking, as long as she could fall back on him when everyone else around her failed her, she could live with herself.  
  
Why, then, did he revert back? Why did he always cast his lot with the dolls?  
  
And why did it have to be him that saved her? Not just from Angels, but from the hollow emptiness that claims her when nobody notices her? Why did she feel like he could give her the attention she rightfully deserved?  
  
And why had he stopped trying to give her what she needed?  
  
What did Wonder Bitch have that she didn't?  
  
Why for her? Why for that doll during the sixteenth and not for her during the fifteenth?  
  
Couldn't that baka see that she just wanted him to pay attention to her?  
  
Once again, she was outdone by a doll.  
  
She will not stand for this.  
  
The doll will get off of HER baka, NOW.  
  
Asuka had enough of their little make-out session. She ran at the lovers, grabbed Shinji by the shoulders, and threw him to the side. She then took her left hand and grabs Rei's forehead, pushing her head back against the wall, exposing her neck. Next, she put her right forearm up against the neck and began to apply a slight amount of pressure. She didn't want Wonder Girl to die just yet, she needed to be taught a lesson in superiority.  
  
"HANDS OFF OF HIM, YOU STUPID BITCH!" she roared.  
  
Then Rei did something Asuka had never seen her do before, something that was causing Asuka to back down ever so slightly.  
  
She smiled. And not a happy smile, the same smile that the cackling doll from before was wearing.  
  
She also narrowed her eyes until the whites were no longer visible, leaving only the crimson irises that gave off a stare that seemed to pierce through her as if she was only air.  
  
The stare seemed to have a magical effect upon Asuka, pushing her further and further away from Rei until she bumped into the back of the wall of the room.  
  
"What is the matter, pilot Sohryou?" the doll replied in her usual monotone voice.  
  
"YOU'RE the matter, doll!" she retorted. She was not about to be scared of Wonder Girl, let alone be outdone by her yet again.  
  
"I am not a doll." Rei replied coolly.  
  
"YOU ARE A DOLL! You even once admitted that you'd die if ordered to! You don't think for yourself! You can't even PRETEND to show emotion! YOU'RE LIFELESS, JUST LIKE A DOLL!"  
  
Rei placed a hand over her breast, covering up where her blouse had been unbuttoned, making some kind of half-assed attempt at decency. "Ikari-kun would seem to disagree." she stated.  
  
More like gloated.  
  
Asuka felt ready to kill her, but Rei continued on. "Why is it of any concern of yours, pilot Sohryou? You make your dislike of him well known, even to him. Or is THAT another lie, as well? Did you wish for it to be you in his arms and not me? Do you wish to become one with him, pilot Sohryou?"  
  
"What I 'wish' isn't any of your business, First Child. Stay away from him from now on! He belongs to ME!" Asuka wouldn't ever admit it, but she was quickly losing control of the situation. Dolls: 1000. Asuka: 0.  
  
"So he is as a possession to you? (giggle) I see. Then you can never expect him to behave as anything more than an object, because that is all he will ever be to you; an object."  
  
"I don't treat him like an object! He's just an idiot that doesn't stand up for himself!"  
  
"I think that you are lying to yourself again. It is easier for you to displace all of your disappointments and frustrations and project all of your anger onto him, even though you also believe that Ikari-kun is your only hope at some similitude for contempt with your so-called life. But is it not interesting, pilot Sohryou, that you would feel such things for something that you so vehemently despise?"  
  
Having concluded her half of the dialogue, Rei stuck out her arm and pointed at where Asuka had thrown Shinji, gesturing at her to look at him. Asuka turned around, only to realize that the "boy" she had thrown was nothing more than a life-size mannequin. The hair was nothing more than brown yarn, and those uncaring, empty eyes were constructed from a pair of blue buttons.  
  
And of course it had the blood-freezing smile of the first doll.  
  
As if on queue, the cackling of the first doll returned, looping back on itself once again.  
  
To add salt to the wound, Rei was also laughing at her. First it was a quiet giggle, then it evolved into something far more sinister, the red in her eyes reaching out and striking Asuka as if it was Rei herself who was engaged in fisticuffs, leaving no room for mercy.  
  
Needless to say, Asuka had to make a tactical retreat. She rushed for the door, which by the graces of God in His Heaven was still open. She ran out, the laughing dying the moment she fully exited the room. But instead of finding herself back in the hallway of infinity, Asuka finally encountered the thing she dreaded the most.  
  
She was back in the main entrance to this house of hell, and directly in front of her was a woman who had apparently hung herself by a rope secured to the rafter in the ceiling. The woman looked strikingly similar to Asuka, except that she was a good foot taller and appeared to be in her late twenties or so.  
  
The cadaver was swinging back and forth on the rope, almost entrancing Asuka as if it were the pocket watch of a psychiatrist who was taking a crack at hypno-therapy.  
  
It was time to face momma again.  
  
That didn't keep Asuka from crying out at the horror of the sight, however.  
  
But something was different about this scene. Instead of the little red-haired doll that was usually in her hand, momma appeared to be holding an action figure of some kind. It was red, had giant shoulder fins, and had what appeared to be four small green glass ports on its face.  
  
If Asuka didn't know any better, she'd say that the action figure was a miniature Unit02.  
  
The woman, far from dead, lifted her head and gazed down at Asuka. She had a look of bitter disappointment in her eyes, as if she had been denied something she had been looking for her entire life.  
  
"Child!" the woman cried, "Why did you not die with me! Why did you not come to heaven with me?"  
  
Asuka was in tears and began wailing. "I wanted to go to heaven with you, momma! I really did! But you picked that goddamn doll over me!"  
  
"No, child, I gave you ANOTHER chance! I knew you would lose against the Eva series, because you are pathetic, child."  
  
Asuka was clearly hurt by this. "MOMMA! HOW COULD YOU!"  
  
"But I love you regardless, my child, and I was not well when I chose the doll over you. So I gave you another opportunity, child. You were supposed to die with me in the Eva, child! WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO REMAIN ALIVE?"  
  
"I DIDN'T CHOOSE, MOMMA! IT JUST HAPPENED!"  
  
"LIES! You know full and well that you had no wish to die. It was the only thought that kept you going when you fought the Evas, child. It was your first thought upon waking. Why are you so selfish that you cling to life, child? Don't you WANT to be with your momma, child? Wouldn't you DIE for ME, child!"  
  
"NOOO! I WANT TO LIVE!! AND YOU ABANDONED ME!"  
  
The woman took the Unit02 that she was holding and tossed it to the side. It made a clunk as it hit the floor, but incurred no damage whatsoever.  
  
Then a previously unknown third occupant made itself known. It appeared to be some kind of dog. It was small, no taller than maybe a third of Asuka's height, and white all over. But its face was hideous; its snout was that of the head of the Eva series, evil grin and all.  
  
The demonic creature ran at the Unit02 and began to gnaw on it, sending small red pieces flying every which way. The beast was ferocious in its attack, looking as though its master had not fed it in a few hours. Soon the toy was reduced to a collection of mangled plastic with teeth marks.  
  
The woman spoke again. "I did not mean to abandon you, child, but I cannot help you if you abandon me, as well. But have no fear, child. I will never give up on you ever again."  
  
With the conclusion of those words, the Eva hound lifted its head to meet Asuka's gaze. It was growling angrily, foaming at the mouth in the process, and it was retracting onto its hind legs, ready to pounce, ready for the kill.  
  
Unsurprisingly scared shitless, Asuka ran out the door and found herself back in the dark, infinite hallway again. She ran, not knowing which direction led to where and not caring. The Eva hound was in full pursuit, quickly gaining on her. Asuka dared not look back, but she could hear the peddling of its paw-steps hitting the floor, closing in on her position. She could feel its hot, stinking breath down her neck. It smelled of blood and death.  
  
Just before the hound could close the gap between them and finish her off, Asuka suddenly felt the floor give way beneath her. For a good minute or two, she could feel herself falling. She looked to where gravity had routed her destination and could see a glowing lake of fire beneath her. The hot breath of that damn creature was replaced by the warmth of the molten rock below.  
  
Suddenly, Asuka ceased all movement. For the moment it seemed as though she had stopped falling. That was odd; she had not yet touched down on solid ground. She looked up and noted that the mannequin Shinji had grabbed her by the arm, halting her descent. He wasn't laughing, but his face was lacking any expression other than that God-awful smile.  
  
He was holding her securely, trying his hardest to pull her up to the ledge that he was on. Then came a voice out of nowhere. Mannequin-Shinji stopped his current course of action and looked out in some random direction. It sounded as though some of the frequencies of natural speech had been filtered out, as if the voice were speaking through an electronic medium. And there was a hint of the spackle of radio static in the voice, as well.  
  
It was a comms transmission.  
  
And Misato's voice was booming from it.  
  
"Shinji, WHAT are you doing? You are ordered to release that girl over there and let her fall to her death, NOW! THAT'S AN ORDER!"  
  
Upon receiving his instructions, Mannequin-Shinji looked back down at the red-head. Time seemed to do its cliché freezing like it does in all the action movies, where the moment is so intense that the director feels its conclusion must be postponed for as long as humanly possible, the tension and suspense being so thick that it could be scooped into big plastic containers like its one hell of a flavor of ice cream.  
  
The doll, despite that vicious smile, seemed devoid of emotion and expression. Asuka wasn't surprised; he was just a doll, after all. But he WAS the doll that was keeping her from continuing on her merry way to her date with an untimely end.  
  
With that thought, however, Mannequin-Shinji readied himself to relinquish his hold on her. That is, before a second Shinji showed up beside him. A human Shinji. The REAL Shinji.  
  
This was the Shinji that saved Asuka from the volcano. This was the Shinji who had assisted her in slaying the seventh. This was the Shinji that she wished to reel out from his impregnable fortress of self-sheltering.  
  
This was the Shinji she had secretly wished would save her from the fifteenth's wrath.  
  
This was the Shinji that Wonder Bitch stole away from her.  
  
Mannequin-Shinji stopped what he was doing and looked over at him, retaining his hold of Asuka in the process. The other Shinji grabbed her other arm and, working together, the two Shinjis pulled her up to the ledge.  
  
Immediately upon reaching the safety of the ledge, Asuka stood up and ran at the real Shinji, embracing him tightly. She was crying again, but these were tears of gratitude and happiness.  
  
Shinji just stood there, being as neutral as Mannequin-Shinji. "Why are you crying? I thought you would never cry for anyone again?"  
  
Asuka would have none of it. "Shut up, baka! Just shut up and let me enjoy this moment." Even though his arms were not around him, she felt warm and comfortable just being next to him. It felt...good...to wrap yourself in someone else's warmth, to be comfortable, to know that somebody really was looking out for you.  
  
Mannequin-Shinji approached Asuka from behind and placed his hand onto her shoulder. Almost instantly Asuka reacted; she spun on her heel to face him, grabbed the dummy by the wrist with one hand and the neck with the other, and proceeded to toss him into the fiery chasm below. She didn't even bother to look at him as he fell.  
  
She had a self-satisfactory smirk on her face upon completing the act, but it fell away the instant she looked back at the real Shinji. HER Shinji.  
  
He was bleeding from the chest, almost profusely. He clutched at his chest with both hands and bent over, obviously in great pain.  
  
"WHY, Asuka!" he cried out.  
  
Asuka didn't really understand what was going on, but she wasn't prepared to lose the baka. "I don't understand, what's wrong?"  
  
"You rejected me!" he replied angrily and coldly.  
  
"What?! No I didn't, you're standing here, aren't you?"  
  
"You killed HIM, therefore you have killed me. HE is as much a part of me as I am, Asuka! HE IS ME!"  
  
"No, you're wrong! You don't need him, Shinji! He's just holding you back! He's a weak, scared little doll! You're better than that!"  
  
"No, Asuka, he and I are part of the same whole. Without him, there is no me. If you can't accept that-"  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Asuka was breaking down again. "I won't lose you again, baka. I won't let Wonder Girl, that doll, or anyone else keep you from me again. If I can't have you all to myself...then...THEN I DON'T NEED YOU AT ALL!"  
  
"So you would have need of me, even though you think that you need no one? You're a goddamn hypocrite!" Shinji was just as cold as ever. Even spiteful.  
  
And the insult sounded vaguely familiar.  
  
Asuka was hysterical at this point. "NOO! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! DON'T REJECT ME! DON'T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE! DON'T LEAVE MEEEEE!!!!"  
  
"If you can't accept ALL of me...if you won't have ALL of me for yourself...then I don't need you at all!" On that note, Shinji pushed Asuka back, sending her flying over the edge, flying downwards toward a fiery death once again.  
  
The sting of defeat at the hands of Invincible Shinji once more was compounded by the fact that she had been rejected by him. HE had rejected HER, of all people!  
  
There was nothing left for her, now. Nothing except to die.  
  
Maybe she should have taken her mother up on that offer.  
  
As soon as Asuka hit the lava below, she was surprised to find that it wasn't scorching hot. Actually, it felt sort of cool, like sea water. It sure didn't taste like sea water, though. It tasted more like blood.  
  
And it was getting really hard to breathe. It felt like she was drowning.  
  
Drowning in blood...  
  
DROWNING IN BLOOD?!  
  
Asuka awoke from one nightmare and entered another, finding that the upper half of her body was submerged in the lake of LCL. She quickly came to and lifted herself up out of the bloody water's reach of her mouth, greedily sucking in the air around her.  
  
Taking a minute to recompose herself, Asuka became aware of her surroundings once again. She was still on the LCL beach, still all by her lonesome self. Shinji had apparently not come back for her yet, if he planned on it at all. She didn't remember falling asleep, she just remembered curling into a ball and wanting to die after Shinji had attacked her. She thought back to when he kicked her, his foot flying right into her injured hand. Her hand smacked her in the face, but that didn't hurt nearly as much as her hand. She could recall it going numb with pain, and she thought she even saw little dabs of blood make their way to the outer layer of bandages.  
  
Was that entirely correct, though? He didn't ATTACK her, he was just defending himself.  
  
Right?  
  
Asuka's pride would have none of it, as is typically the case. Whatever the hell was HIS problem, he had no right to treat her like that. He would be made to apologize sooner or later, if he didn't do it himself.  
  
Fucking spineless baka hentai...  
  
She began to think about why the hell she was half-way submerged in the bloody water. She had not moved from her spot since Shinji left, as far as she could recall. Maybe it was just the tide coming in. With two moons now in the sky, surely that would cause a shift in tidal patterns.  
  
The lake also explained why she smelt and tasted blood in her dream, which was rapidly fading from her memory now. It was just as well; Asuka had never really had any "good dreams" her entire life. While she never remembered explicitly what happened, Asuka knew deep down that every night she relived the painful memories she had tried so hard to suppress. She finally had a cap on them, too, her dreams were becoming less unpleasant.  
  
Then the fifteenth came along and mucked everything up, undoing all of her handiwork.  
  
Deciding that it was of no use to remember forgotten nightmares and never having once put any stock in the belief that the content of ones dreams could yield anything useful, Asuka crawled further up the beach, getting as far from the shoreline as her fatigued body would allow. Along the way, she began thinking about the future. She couldn't count on that idiot baka to take care of her, he'd fuck everything up. He'd probably try to get a peak at her naked, too, the stupid little hentai pervert. No, she was going to have to get herself out of this mess, as usual. She was going to have to save the day, which didn't surprise her.  
  
The first thing she would do, though, is get the hell out of this damn plug suit and into some real clothes. That, and change the now blood-soaked bandages.

* * *

So there you have it.  
  
I thought it to be appropriate and IC for Asuka to quickly forget and ignore everything she saw in the dream. It just doesn't seem like she's going to let one little nightmare boss her around and force her to change her ways.  
  
Even though I'd really like for there to be some "magic" going on between Shinji and Asuka, I've decided that she isn't necessarily romantically interested in him. That's not really my true interpretation of the series, like I said I think they're cute together, but it would just be too easy for them to fall in love and let love magically cure the ills between them. It still remains a possibility (bear in mind, however, that I'm not going to have them making out and being lubby-dubby or anything), or they can at least be on better terms than currently, but it seems to me that Asuka does indeed treat Shinji like a toy and doesn't necessarily acknowledge it. And being as possessive as she is, Asuka doesn't like it when people take things that belong to her. She may also be unable to admit that he does serve a useful function for her.  
  
Only time will tell, I suppose. :shrugs: 


	5. Memories, Part One

Okay, this chapter is dedicated more to Shinji's thoughts on some of the other characters in the series. Just a couple of them, but we'll get more in later chapters, I promise.  
  
Shinji is still trying to sort out his anger and frustration with Asuka, and it is currently manifesting itself as hatred. Unsurprising, seeing how she does kind of do things that warrant hatred.  
  
I know I said one chapter a week, but I'm gonna see if I can't get a second chapter done this weekend. Again, no promises.

* * *

5. Memories, Part Un  
  
Shinji had been walking around the dilapidated city for what he could only guess, since he was without a functioning time piece, was about five or six hours. The sun had set a while ago and, much to Shinji's delight and awe, the red glow of the sky had disappeared and gave way to an amazingly clear, cloudless sky, revealing the stars in all their glory. The red ring of souls still gave off its own luminescence, though, but it did naught to distort the view of the heavens.  
  
He had searched far and wide during his travels, gathering all sorts of items and supplies, particularly those odds and ends that would aid him in carrying out his one-man quest to figure out a certain one-half German, five-sevenths mouth, and 100 attitude red-head.  
  
The plan was dastardly simple; he was going to "capture" Asuka, tie her down, and force her to talk to him. After that, he would allow her to either leave or kill herself. It didn't really matter to Shinji, he wanted her gone just as urgently as she wanted nothing to do with him.  
  
And that was it. That was his "grand, master plan." Not a very well thought-out plan, mind you, but Shinji didn't know what else to do. He had never before been in a situation such as this one, and he was simply having to improvise as he went along. Admittedly, though, the plan was choke-full of holes and lacked any sort of contingency. First there was the trick of successfully restraining and imprisoning Asuka, which he had assumed would be next to nothing until the physically sapped girl had lunged at him in a fit of rage that was befitting of a berserker Evangelion. Once that was settled, he had to make sure that she wouldn't somehow escape or break free from her bonds. He would also need to make sure that she didn't recover too quickly or too much, or else she would get away from his grasp. Then, of course, he had no guarantee that she would tell him the truth; she might just say whatever first came to mind, or she might even try playing some more of her mind games with him. Her college-level training in psychology would do nothing to make that fun for him. Or she might just sit there and refuse to talk, utilizing the tried-and-true method known as the silent treatment.  
  
Thankfully, though, time wasn't a major factor, if it was a factor at all; he had all the time in the world, or what was left of the world, anyway. He was prepared to keep Asuka for weeks, months, even years if that's what it would take. He would eat, sleep, and answer all calls of nature in her presence if that's what it took. Even if she refused to eat, he would make no qualms about feeding her through an IV tube to keep her alive if he had to. Whatever it took, Shinji was not going to back down and walk away from this one. No sir.  
  
But for now, the problem just mainly came down to getting Asuka to sit down and open up to him. Hell, the problem was just getting her to sit down at all. Shinji knew of her deep-seated hatred of him, and he did just try to strangle her to death mere hours ago. That doesn't exactly make one want to grace you with one's presence and engage in friendly conversation with you. The biggest obstacle of them all, however, would be knocking down that damn wall of pride of hers. Shinji could see the scenario playing out already; he'd ask Asuka to explain why she is the way she is, and it would quickly mutate into a one-sided verbal sparring with Asuka on the winning side. Then she'd more than likely try to attack him again.  
  
As he wondered around making his preparations, Shinji found himself continuously questioning his own motives and cross-examining himself. Clearly he was still angry with Asuka and that he was through trying to reach out to her. He was tired of constantly fighting with her, of looking for something else besides angst and violence within her. He was especially tired of always being the recipient of her abuse and misguided assaults. He wanted her gone for good, wanted her to go away to some place where she could never hurt him again. It no longer mattered to him whether or not she was just as lonely and hurt as he was, she should rot in hell for everything she's done to him. He didn't care if it was blatant hypocrisy to reject her on the grounds that she caused him nothing but grief. The whole world was nothing BUT grief now, had ALWAYS been nothing but one giant fountain of misery, and frankly he was so sick of Asuka being the water source which fed that fountain. If he ever cared about her, or if he had ever done anything to indicate that he ever did, it had been a mistake, a fruitless endeavor, and he was determined to cut his losses and sever her from his life.  
  
But if all of this was true, why did it matter to him how she had gotten to be such a terrible excuse for a waste of space? Why did he care why she was a bitch? It wouldn't do him any good to possess that knowledge now, not after their little skirmish, which had undoubtedly rendered them as irreconcilable foes in one another's eyes. It would have never done him any good at all, because she was simply too stubborn and too proud to admit to anything, to let anyone in.  
  
Even that wasn't completely true. She had no problem trying to win Kaji's affections and becoming best friends with Hikari. Why were those two so special that she let them in? What did Shinji ever do that was so wrong that Asuka pushed away from him the hardest?  
  
Thinking about it for a moment, it wasn't really that hard to figure out what made Kaji and Hikari so unique. Both were just very friendly and warm people by their nature. Maybe she figured it was just her duty as the representative of Class 2-A, but Hikari went out of her way to befriend everyone. From what Shinji understood, she had even tried to get to know Rei on a few occasions. Hikari had never really given up on that project, but she also decided to respect Rei's need for personal space. She took her role as class-rep very seriously, to the point that she automatically expected her fellow students to pay her respect, and at times she could be rather domineering. But Shinji had more or less seen that it was just a public persona that she would wear. Beneath the overbearing class leader was a 14 year-old girl who worked hard to raise her three younger siblings all on her own, what with her mother long since deceased and her father working long hours to financially support his family. In that light, it made sense that Hikari could be bossy at times. She was already rather mature for her age, having to practically raise a family all by herself, so she had to come down hard on her fellow students in order to set a good example. In many ways, she was already an adult, and so it was only natural that she demand respect from her "kids."  
  
Perhaps that was why Asuka took to Hikari so quickly. Asuka kept it no big secret that she herself was already a woman in terms of both wisdom, form, and maturity. She had neither the time nor the inclination to grace stupid, hentai little boys with her divine presence. At times, it felt like Asuka had this need to appear older than she really was, as if she had some deep-seated fear of being looked down upon as a mere child. So perhaps Asuka found solace in being in the presence of one who was as mature as she was. And Hikari also seemed to treat Asuka in the same regard. When she wasn't letting Asuka boss HER around, ironic as that may be.  
  
That might have been another part of it. Hikari, despite being on near-equal footing with Asuka (remember, no one can dare hope to be an equal to the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou), was just another one of the Red Demon's minions, someone who looked sheepishly to Asuka as something better than the current way of things, something to emulate. Hikari almost never had any harsh criticisms of the red-head, dismissing her arrogance as simple inner strength and confidence. Shinji didn't really know if Hikari believed her accusations that he was a voyeuristic pervert, but she did seem to side with Asuka on issues more often than she sided with Shinji.  
  
That didn't keep Hikari from getting to know Shinji, however. In spite of whatever lies, misinformation, and propaganda Asuka had spread about him, Hikari still spoke with him, even treated him as a friend from time to time. It took him a while to warm up to her, but once he saw her out of class-rep mode, he had managed to do it.  
  
As for Kaji...well, Kaji just had this air about him that bespoke of trust, like he really did care about getting to know you. Even when Shinji was nervous and shy (as he always was) upon meeting him, Kaji just plastered that smirk of his on his face. It was a smirk that really made you feel welcome, that pretty much said for him "hi, I'm Kaji Ryoji, but you can call me Kaji, so tell me about yourself." Since he was a spy, maybe it was just Kaji's job to be smooth like that. It probably went a long way to be out-going and sociable in the world of intelligence-gathering and espionage, otherwise you never establish any contacts and never gather any information. But whether or not it was something that he had to develop over time or just had to begin with, Shinji could not doubt that he could be comfortable around Kaji, that he didn't have to worry about being himself when he was with the thirty-something gentleman. Much like Kaurou, Kaji seemed to understand how reserved and meek Shinji was, and that it required much effort and courage on his part to open up to others. He had spoken with Kaji on several occasions, looking to him for guidance and advice. Kaji seemed to take great pride in this, but not because it stroked his ego that Shinji was coming to him, but because Shinji would place such trust in the man.  
  
When Shinji had resigned from NERV the second time and the fourteenth Angel appeared, Shinji ran from the ruined civilian shelter and found an eerily calm Kaji attending to his water melon patch. He told Shinji that this was the place he'd rather be if he were to die because this was all that he could do, that he was powerless to do anything else in light of the situation. But there was something that Shinji could do, that ONLY Shinji could do. Kaji didn't ask him, beg him, berate him, or even yell at him to go back to the Eva. He passed no judgment whatsoever. But his words were far from neutral. They seemed to carry with them the confidence that Kaji was investing in the boy, that they conveyed his faith that Shinji would do the right thing. This resonated with Shinji on hidden levels, touching his very soul. Kaji was really only stating the obvious, but it had been what Shinji had needed to hear, that he did indeed have power over his own destiny, that he did have the power to choose. He didn't have to choose to keep fighting, he could walk away at any time, but whatever he chose to do, HE was the deciding factor. HE was the last word, and so he needed to choose his words wisely.  
  
Kaji might not have known it, but he had made a pivotal difference in Shinji's life, just by being there when it really counted.  
  
There was many a time when Shinji wished long and hard that Kaji could have been his father. He was far more than Gendo could ever be. He regretted not having somebody like Kaji as he was growing up.  
  
He regretted even more that he never told Kaji that.  
  
Maybe Asuka had also found that comfort. Maybe she didn't feel threatened by Kaji, that she didn't have to keep up her defenses around him.  
  
But the larger part of it was probably her hormones. She was very smitten with Kaji, to the point that it could have been considered an unhealthy obsession. She tried to follow him around and monitor him so much that it was border-line stalking. That was another aspect of Asuka that she made no effort to hide; her "love" of Kaji. Perhaps she really was in love with him, Shinji would never really know, but everyone else seemed to think that it was just a natural teenage infatuation. This never stopped her from comparing Shinji to Kaji, though, pointing out every minute flaw that the baka possessed.  
  
In Asuka's eyes, Kaji was the pinnacle of man. He was polite, handled matters in a delicate yet firm manner, and he was quite handsome, in a rugged sort of way (Shinji thinking this from a purely non-homosexual perspective, of course). His loose neck tie, his shirt unbuttoned at the top, his pony tail, and the stubble on his face that never went away gave him a very casual and untamed yet sensual aura, one that few ladies could resist. Maybe it just gave him a sort of "bad boy" image, something that Shinji would never understand women's attraction to. And, probably because of his role as a spy, he was very good at the art of talking, listening, and seducing.  
  
In short, Kaji was the quintessential lady-killer.  
  
At the same time, however, he was steady in his beliefs, never being swayed or distracted from what he really wanted. He didn't take shit from anybody, never being afraid to stand up for what he believed in. He wasn't afraid to be told "no," not that he would take no for an answer, though.  
  
He was basically what Shinji was not.  
  
Should he really be surprised that Asuka cared so much about Kaji and nothing for him?  
  
For Shinji, that was what made Kaji a real man. He had confidence in himself, confidence that he would do the best that he could, that he would do the "right" thing. Maybe he was a bad boy in some ways, but at his core Kaji was really a good guy.  
  
He often wondered if Asuka saw that, or if all she saw was Kaji's unshaven good looks and his boyish charms.  
  
'Whatever.' Shinji thought to himself.  
  
What the hell did he care who Asuka let in and didn't let in?  
  
Why should he care that Asuka loved and respected Kaji but treated him like dirt?  
  
But Shinji knew the answer to his own answer. Back when he had been foolish enough to want to get close to Asuka, he couldn't help but feel like Kaji was an obstacle of sorts. For as long as Asuka pined over Kaji, he had no chance of even being worthy to be seen by her.  
  
At least in part, he had been jealous of Kaji for having something Shinji could not even hope to have.  
  
It was very much like how he resented Rei in some ways because she was probably the only person Gendo was close to.  
  
But he cared deeply for both Rei and Kaji, and it sometimes tore him apart inwardly that he could care for them but also hate them simply because they were blessed with something he didn't deserve anyways.  
  
He held no resentment for either of them now, though. The two biggest mistakes that Shinji had ever made in his life were thinking that he and Gendo could start over and thinking that Asuka would ever even consider him a homo sapien.  
  
It was a pretty close tie between the two, though.  
  
So what if he knew the cause of all her problems with the world and life in general? Such things had no bearing on him personally, and even if he tried to help her there was a much better chance of the Angels writing an official letter of apology to the world and offering fellatio to all the leaders than there was of Asuka accepting help from anybody, much less "baka" Shinji.  
  
Why should he be curious as to why Asuka hated him so much that she constantly went out of her way to torment him?  
  
How could he be so foolish as to spare somebody like THAT?  
  
She wasn't worthy of his mercy. She wasn't ever worthy of his effort. And by God, she certainly wasn't even worthy of his concern and tears. Come to think of it, maybe there was nothing to be ashamed of for masturbating right in front of her while she was comatose. That was probably one of the few things the German whore DID deserve. Besides, the act was pleasant, to say the least. If something is pleasant, it means that it must be good for you on some level, give or take a little moderation. So it must be okay to do it, because only the truly "good" things in life make you feel happy.  
  
But what is "happy?" Where do you find it?  
  
Are "good," "happy," and "pleasant" necessarily interchangeable?  
  
What if the happiness is false? It still makes you happy, doesn't it? So what's wrong with being happy in that regard?  
  
Was he happy pleasuring himself like that, or was he simply satiated?  
  
Of all the people that had to return from Instrumentality, why the hell did it have to be HER? Still, Shinji had to admit that things could have been much worse; Gendo could have somehow come back.  
  
Okay, things wouldn't be THAT much worse.  
  
He could really kick himself for not putting her out of his misery.  
  
Short of pure curiosity, Shinji could not fathom why his determination to understand Asuka was so strong. Maybe it was part of his punishment for destroying Humanity. Until the end of time, he would be damned with this drive to undertake this impossible task that would cause him nothing but suffering and ruin.  
  
Maybe Asuka had been right all along and Shinji was just a damn fool.  
  
Or, maybe this torment was straight from God Himself, communicating His obvious displeasure at how events had unfolded.  
  
But if there was an all-knowing, all-powerful God that had also had infinite mercy, He wouldn't have let Humanity end like this. He would have stepped in and shared some of that mystical divine intervention of His. And no "God" that met the aforementioned qualifications would have let His own creations suffer the great tribulation that was the Angels.  
  
What did Shinji care about God, anyway? This was Japan; Buddhism and Taoism were prominent here, not Judeo-Christian beliefs that he knew nothing about anyway. Not that it mattered to Shinji, religion had never been a part of his life. It felt pointless and phony apologizing to an unseen force for being a "bad" person and promising that you'd do better, only to just end up making the same mistakes over and over again regardless. It was especially perfect when people would ignore their god or gods when things were swell, but instantly run to them in tears when things got too much for them to handle, as if gods were idiotic enough to want to damn themselves to clean up the same mess a billion times over. He also just saw it as a form of running away, that it was just a cop-out to pray to your deity whenever things didn't go your way. Praying did nothing, anyway. It was just another false comfort; the act would go unheeded and unnoticed, and all you had managed to do was set yourself up to be let down and get hurt once more.  
  
All of this coming from someone who did nothing BUT run away for the past decade of his life.  
  
All of this from a boy who apologized for the same sets of errors continuously.  
  
All of this from a lonely little boy who shut everyone out, then wondered why nobody tried to help him when he needed them to.  
  
And the sad part is, he probably would've gone to worship anyway if somebody had told him to. He probably would have kept attending, too, if nobody ever told him to stop.  
  
Just like that cello...  
  
The final possibility as to his predicament was that there was no answer, no convenient person, event, or thing to brand as the scapegoat. Life is just a bitch sometimes and then you die.  
  
As that old American saying still goes, "shit happens."  
  
Whatever the reason, at least one other thing was beginning to bother Shinji. When Unit01 had transformed into the Tree of Life and became the medium through which the souls of all people transferred into Rei/Lilith, he could feel all their thoughts, their minds moving through him and momentarily linking with him. And then, of course, he was linked to them all once again when he had been absorbed into Instrumentality for that brief moment in time. For at least a couple of minutes, Shinji's mind was one with everyone else's, his own thoughts diffusing into their minds much as theirs diffused into his. Thoughts became like air, shared and taken in by all. He remembered the feeling of oneness, the connection and sharing of hopes and dreams, the interaction of the collective whole of Humanity.  
  
This mixing of the minds was also the only way he could currently explain why he knew about SEELE and its motives, as well as other things that neither Dr. Akagi nor Misato had made him privy to. Why, then, could he remember nothing else? Surely he must at least have some sort of memory from some random person in the world. Why, then, could he not call forth such information? Why couldn't he seem to summon any thoughts from the people he DID know? Where were the memories of Misato, Touji, Kensuke, and Kaji? Was there a possibility that Rei and Kaoruo's memories were also in there?  
  
And then, of course, why couldn't he seem to recollect any thoughts that had to be the exclusive property of Asuka Langley Sohryou?  
  
But of course THAT would have been far too easy. Where was the entertainment value to be found by whoever or whatever was watching him and laughing at him from afar if he already had all the answers? And of course, he could never hope for things to be that simple with Asuka. He had a feeling that reading her would be like reading a high-class university text book; you could understand the language, but that didn't mean you'd understand the concepts and the vocabulary.  
  
Still, no matter how you tried to explain it away or justify it, the math just ended with a bad summation and a splitting headache. Considering that his psyche had touched three billion other psyches, you'd think he could come up with something else other than he was just a pawn in some played-out "take over the world" plot that was 2000 years in the making (or however old those stupid scrolls were).  
  
It bothered Shinji to no end. He considered the possibility that his exposure to the consciousness of Humanity was so brief that he simply didn't have enough time to take it all in and remember it, but that did little to extinguish his doubts. It just didn't seem to make any sense to him that he could be in the presence of something so great, so...different, and then not remember anything about it beyond a conversation that resulted in him ending up here. But Shinji decided that it was taking too much out of him to try to deal with it now. Besides, he had other things to be worrying about. Namely, someone who shall remain nameless but has an ego the size of Rei/Lilith's head and a near-obsession with all things red in appearance.  
  
Shinji, it seemed, had at least a little bit of good fortune left on his side. He had been able to get a hold of at least three weeks worth of instant-make meals, dry goods, and canned foods of all sorts (to the curious, Shinji was currently pushing around a shopping cart, so he wasn't particularly laboring to carry everything under his arms. He also had a couple of back packs for those instances where a cart simply wasn't going to fit), and what he could not bring with him wasn't going to be disappearing on its own. Food was definitely NOT going to be a problem for a while, even if he shared with Asuka. Refrigerated and frozen goods would eventually thaw out and rot, since it would seem electricity took a permanent leave of absence when Third Impact came a callin', but for at least a few years, he guessed, it would be absolutely no hassle to move about and scavenge for more food.  
  
Having no idea if or when tap water would give out, he also thought to stock up on bottled water, finding several gallon-sized jugs of it. It would all get consumed if he decided to bathe with what he currently had, but for the time being he wouldn't have to worry about staying hydrated. Showering and not smelling like armpit would be a blessing, but it was the least of his worries in this brave, new world. Clean water, even if there was plenty to go round for two, was now a more precious commodity than ever, and replacing the essential moisture that he lost even while respirating came first in terms of priority.  
  
Continuing on his errands, Shinji found a police station, although finding one that had not been destroyed by Third Impact had been what had consumed most of his time on this journey. With NERV personnel, Section 2, and UN soldiers pattering about Tokyo-3 at all times, one would think that police would be rather redundant. That and the threat of sudden death from an Angel attack was enough to deter potential criminals, resulting in Tokyo-3 having the lowest crime rate in all of Japan. But a city police force was established all the same, probably to comfort the citizens with at least the appearance that Tokyo-3 was a normal city just like every other place. Still, the police force was few in number and fewer in stations.  
  
Whatever their reasons for being, however, the building would suit Shinji's purposes.  
  
Leaving the cart below the steps to the building and hoping nobody would make off with anything ("Ha!" he scoffed at himself for having the thought), Shinji entered the station. There were no orange puddles of LCL or piles of officers' uniforms on the ground, though. Every last citizen had evacuated Tokyo-3 after the sixteenth Angel, and with no populace to "protect," the police saw no purpose in remaining either. But it looked as if they had planned on coming back eventually, given that their equipment still remained.  
  
Shinji walked over to the armory, but felt he had reached a dead end when he discovered the entrance guarded by a bolt and a lock. Not wishing to be discouraged yet, he searched the station for any keys, hoping that they were not in the possession of the now-absent officers.  
  
Shinji found no keys, but he did find an emergency fire hatchet. It was no key, but it was going to have to do. Shinji broke the encasing glass and reached for the hatchet inside. The hatchet definitely had some mass to it, but it wasn't anything Shinji could not handle. Shinji was well aware of his physical limitations, though, but hoped that with some proper leverage and good aim, the hatchet would do its job all the same.  
  
Returning to the armory door and preparing himself, Shinji brought the hatchet overhead and brought it down hard and fast, swinging in a wild motion. The hatchet missed the lock completely, putting only a slight nick in the door. Either Shinji was weaker than he had anticipated, or that door was made out of several inches of steel.  
  
Still not ready to call it quits, Shinji brought the hatchet overhead again and repeated. He repeated this chopping motion at least eleven times or so, only four of his strikes actually hitting their mark. The lock was giving way, however, giving the boy increasing confidence. The final swing caused the lock to fall asunder, surrendering the treasure it so jealously guarded. Shinji walked in and was immediately rewarded with the sight of several Glock pistols, a few riot rods, some crowd-dispersal gas grenades, a few cans of pepper spray, and some tasers. A little lacking for a police station, but given that crime was almost non-existent and that there were other agencies that got MP5's like they were free candy, the Tokyo-3 police probably had no need for anything heavier.  
  
No matter, a pistol was all he really needed. Just as long as he could protect himself from anything that moved. Even if it meant the Red Devil.  
  
Naturally, the situation was not going to get THAT out of hand.  
  
Shinji cradled the lump of plastic in his hand (it is a Glock, after all), getting familiar with it, adjusting to how it felt. He already had some firearms and marksmanship training through the constant drills in his Eva, but it was always the Eva that held the gun and did the grunt work. Shinji simply willed it to happen.  
  
Now, HE was the one holding the gun.  
  
It was no oversized Desert Eagle, but it felt powerful and satisfying all the same.  
  
Shinji saw several dozen magazines stored on a rack on an adjacent table, all lined up and arranged in a perfect, orderly manner. Not really planning on doing a great deal of shooting but not wanting to be lacking in ammunition, Shinji decided that six clips plus one to go ahead and load the weapon would suffice. He took a clip and inserted it into the gun. There didn't seem to be a safety on the gun, though, so he decidedly left the chamber unloaded. No point in blowing his own foot off just as he gets the thing. He put the gun and the six other clips into the back pack. For the hell of it, he also took some of the pepper spray and a taser. Shinji had no plans on killing Asuka, but if she was going to instigate something, which was a very real possibility, he could quickly bring her back in line.  
  
Last, but not least, Shinji had managed to find a still-intact hospital, albeit all the exterior windows were shattered and there were piles of clothes everywhere that were soaked with LCL. It was as if all these people had suddenly ceased what they were doing and decided to go streaking. In a way, they had, since their souls were now naked. Partially out of respect and partially out of not wanting to touch the LCL, Shinji treaded lightly through the corridors, looking for supply closets. Having found one, he filled the back pack with any and every medicine he could find. Some had names that he was familiar with from when he spent entire days in the hospital after nearly every Angel attack, but most he did not recognize, so he couldn't be absolutely sure what they were for. But he decided that it was best to have them and not need them, than to need them and not have them. He also found plenty of sterilizing agents, antibiotics, ointments and creams, bandaging gauze, stitches, and anything else he deemed suitable for basic-to-medium medical treatment. Shinji was no general surgeon or EMT, but with each stay in the hospital he had picked up more and more basic medical training, ranging from how to properly cleanse a wound to how to deal with concussive trauma.  
  
And true to his word about keeping Asuka alive intravenously if necessary, Shinji also got some IV bags, tubes, and hypodermic needles, as well as some saline solution stock. There was a snow ball's chance in hell that he was going to screw this up.  
  
Short of needing a bypass operation or a piano falling on him, Shinji was probably going to live to a ripe-old age.  
  
Seeing as he was in the hospital, though, Shinji figured he should finally tend to the wounds that Asuka had inflicted upon him. He found a bathroom with a mirror and began to treat himself. First he wanted to get something for his nose. It hadn't stopped bleeding since he left Asuka on the beach, and couldn't help but wonder with some chagrin if it was broken. He had managed to find some tissue at the store where he had found food and used it to plug up his nose, but it seemed that it was still bleeding. The bleeding wasn't as bad as before, which meant that something was happening as it should be. He turned on the faucet and was rewarded with a stream of cold, clean water. He used the water to wet some paper towels and wiped off all the dried blood on his face. He then took another paper towel, tore off a section, and altered its dimensions accordingly in order to stuff it up his nose. He didn't really know what to do, however, if it did turn out to be broken.  
  
Beyond that, there wasn't much else he could do except put an ice pack on his two swollen lips and his right black eye. Speaking of his eyes, although they were still hurting, Shinji's vision restored itself back to normal, much to his relief. The pain was bearable, but it was just one more unnecessary distraction he had to put up with. Shinji found some aspirin tablets and popped a few into his mouth, then activated the faucet once again. He put his mouth to the stream and partook of the refreshing liquid, using a large sip to swallow the tablets. It would likely be an hour or two before they became effective, but he didn't mind. Relief was on the way.  
  
Now Shinji looked at his right lower arm. The wound had long since clotted on its own, forming a scab in the shape of a bite mark and painting the area in shades of blue and violet, but the pain from Asuka's bite still burned. Shinji seriously considered for a moment if he should get a rabies shot, but pushed the thought aside and reached for some iodine. He dabbed some of the brown liquid onto the sponge that came with the bottle and coated the injury rather generously. It stung like anything, but that just meant it was working. He wasn't going to die from an infection because the Red Devil had gotten kinky on him while they fought. Although it was healing properly and it was not really warranted, Shinji decided to take some gauze and wrap up the injury anyway.  
  
While he was tending to himself, Shinji couldn't help but marvel at the Red Devil's prowess and abilities. Even when she was as tired out as she was, she was still a formidable fighter, just as fierce as ever. That, and she had a mean left hook. He had underestimated her, a mistake that he had barely kept from becoming a fatal mistake, and it had reminded him of why had had come to admire her despite her need for an attitude adjustment. After he had met Asuka, he quickly caught onto just how strong and determined she was, always striving to be the best, always pushing her limits in order to be number one. In many ways that was her down fall, but in other ways it made her magnificent at times. She seemed to be in her best element when she was in combat, as if she had been bred for nothing else, given no other purpose. He could tell that she took great pride in being an Eva pilot, seeking honor and glory in every battle.  
  
Shinji smirked at the fact that she would've made an excellent Klingon.  
  
But why was it so? Why did seem that she had nothing else at times?  
  
For Shinji, there really was nothing else. Except for cleaning and cooking, Shinji was only very good at one thing; piloting Eva. Even that felt like a lie, though, as the only reason he could achieve such high synch ratios with Unit01 was because his mother was inside all along, protecting him. Had she not been there, had Unit01 not accepted him so easily, Shinji figured that he probably wouldn't have been able to even get it to activate. But regardless, only he could pilot Unit01. It would only accept him, having stopped accepting Rei a while back. It wouldn't even accept the dummy plug during the fourteenth. He was the only one that could pilot that beast, the only one for whom it would move without power and mercilessly obliterate the target. Gendo had probably known it would be that way, and had chosen him to come and pilot it. He initially refused upon discovering that Gendo hadn't really wanted him back, he just had a use for him as if he was a replacement part, nothing more. Gendo had to twist his arm by threatening to put a then-seriously injured Rei into the entry plug. Shinji conceded, not only to protect Rei, but because there was nothing else for him, nothing else that would ever make Gendo accept him (but even that didn't matter now, because he no longer wanted the old man's acceptance. He wanted NOTHING from him, now or ever again).  
  
Asuka, on the other hand....surely Asuka had something else to fight for. Surely she had something else to live for. If that were true, however, she wouldn't have self-destructed as she did after the fifteenth's mind probe. She was absolutely devastated afterwards. Before she had moved out, Shinji could sometimes hear her mumbling in her room, trying to hold back tears that she didn't want. She would murmur to herself about having lost her synch ratio completely and that she was totally useless now. Shinji understood that piloting meant a great deal to her, but he refused to believe that it was the ONLY thing that held meaning for her.  
  
A part of Shinji was disappointed with Asuka afterwards. He felt that Asuka would be able to overcome the effects of the fifteenth's mind probe. Instead, she sat back and let it eat away at her. She decided that enough was enough and threw in the towel. Shinji had felt she was stronger than that, that the Asuka he knew wouldn't have given up like that. That Asuka represented what Shinji had sometimes hoped he could be; assertive and self-assured. It was her confidence and her near-endless courage that he admired, hoping that she could impart some of that courage onto him.  
  
Maybe if she hadn't hated him so and they could have become better acquainted, she would have given him the strength that he was lacking.  
  
Maybe...that was something else that he wanted from her. Maybe he wanted her to help make himself stronger, make himself a better person.  
  
It was not meant to be, however. Besides, Asuka hated him so much and was so disgusted by him that she'd rather die than help him. If he was too weak of will, it was his own damn fault and he deserved to lose everything. She certainly wasn't going to help someone as pathetic as him.  
  
Asuka wasn't well known for her ability to share, anyway.  
  
He continued to feel let down until Misato had revealed to him that Asuka had walked in on her dead mother when she was only seven. Grasping the seriousness of that fact, he could then understand why Asuka had been so distraught. But for now, that was all he had to go on about her...  
  
Hold on a minute, something wasn't right. Shinji remembered continuing to feel let down by the German girl until she was found lying barely conscious in a bath tub. He couldn't recall feeling sorry for her or understanding her better. It was as if he had never known that little tid bit about her past. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't actually remember Misato ever talking to him about that. He had asked her about Asuka's past before, but she said that it was something that was best left undiscussed. Either pilot histories and evaluations were classified and he didn't have the clearance, or Misato just didn't want him getting involved and getting himself hurt.  
  
But if Misato had never told him, why did he think that she did? And where had he gotten that information?  
  
He had simply assumed that it was Misato who told him because when he thought about that, she also popped into his mind's eye. Somehow she was associated with the memory. Her, and an ice-cold can of Yesibu beer, which induced a comfortable burning sensation in his throat as he downed the tasty beverage.  
  
Wait, what? Shinji had never had a drop of alcohol in his life. How would he know what beer tastes like? How did he even know that it was a Yesibu? It was Misato's favorite brand, but why would he know anything about that?  
  
The math was adding up to anything but the right answer, once again.  
  
Unless...  
  
Were these Misato's memories?  
  
Had she been thinking about Asuka after the fifteenth?  
  
As he dwelled on this new hypothetical situation, he could feel the sensation of depression. He also felt concern and worry. Minus the depression, these felt like...these felt like those times in Eva when all seemed lost and then Unit01 would come alive and protect him. These also felt like the time he spent around Rei.  
  
Mother...  
  
Yes, it felt like a mother. A mother that was worried about her child.  
  
These sensations were not his own, and he was not currently in these emotional states. These felt like memories, as well. Maybe Misato had been thinking about Asuka after her mind rape. It seemed to make her sad, because she knows of the horrible pain that Asuka hides. Misato's most likely reaction or method of coping was trying to drown her sorrows with beer.  
  
Was she really THAT worried about Asuka, though? Did she really feel THAT close to the red-head?  
  
"Misato, I...I had no idea...that Asuka meant that much to you." Shinji whispered to himself. He was rather frightened at the revelation, at knowing the truth about something so personal.  
  
Then the confusion set in again. "But...why? Why would you care about her like that? After all the lip she gave you, after all the ingratitude and insults, how the hell could you put up with her? Why would you care at all?"  
  
"You should really ask YOURSELF that question, Shin-jun."  
  
Suddenly made aware that he was no longer alone, Shinji looked up at the mirror, checking to see who was behind him.  
  
He saw nobody but himself.  
  
He spun on his heel and scanned the room, just to be completely sure.  
  
In that split second, he felt as though he had just conversed with the dead.  
  
Shinji's heart was racing from the startle, but he was beginning to calm down, although he was still a little spooked inwardly. The voice had sounded very real. The voice instantly conjured up images of a purple-haired woman in a black dress, red jacket, and red beret. He also thought about the silver cross that she had worn around her neck.  
  
Only, it was no longer around her neck. Misato had entrusted the trinket to Shinji when she rushed him to Unit01 during the JSSDF attack.  
  
She had also planted a rather adult kiss onto his lips before pushing him onto the elevator.  
  
She had been shot as they made it to the elevator, and she was slowly dying from the wound that she claimed was nothing. Even if he was paralyzed with depression and feeling sorry for himself, Shinji could tell that she was just trying to be brave for him.  
  
But what she had really needed was for HIM to be the brave one. She needed him to snap out of it and pilot one final time. Instead, because of his selfishness, because he was wallowing in self-pity, Misato's blood was on his hands. He had tasted her blood when she had kissed him, whose meaning he still did not fully understand.  
  
Maybe it was just to show that she cared, or maybe it was just to snap him out of his depressive spell. But it was a rather passionate kiss, a type of kiss that implied meanings that Shinji was not entirely comfortable with. Misato was a very beautiful woman, but he had never really thought about her like that. She was not as a girlfriend to him, she was more like a big sister.  
  
With her domestic habits, she certainly acted like a sister.  
  
But Misato had also taken him in, given him a home when Gendo was obviously not going to allow him to stay with him. She took an active interest in his life, ranging from asking about how his day at school was to usually being the first person to greet him has he exited his entry plug. He had waken up in the hospital with her slouched in a chair next to his bed on several occasions, as if she had been watching over him, checking to see that he would not disappear from her forever. She nagged on him about his grades and rooted him on when he piloted. She was one of the few people whose words of praise seemed...genuine.  
  
In a lot of ways, she had taken care of him like a mother.  
  
And he took care of her. They had a nice dynamic going on; she gave him a place to stay and offered to help him in life from time to time, and he cooked and cleaned and provided the occasional sympathetic ear. They looked out for one another. Not as husband and wife, but as two people who just needed a little help now and again.  
  
Thinking back on it, Shinji was glad that he had met Misato. He would even go so far as to say that she was the closest thing he had for a mother ever since his real mother was absorbed by Unit01.  
  
But especially at the end of it all, he hadn't ever really acted like it. After Asuka had slipped away into a coma and Rei II had been killed and replaced, Misato had tried to consul him, but he would just curl up into a ball and withdraw from her, barking at her to not make physical contact with him. Then, after he had killed Kaurou, she had the nerve to disgrace Kaurou's memory by saying that he deserved to die because he had wished for death.  
  
Shinji couldn't totally blame her for feeling that way, after all Kaurou was an Angel, the sworn enemy of the human race, the scourge of mankind. He knew of her grudge against the Angels, for taking her father that she had hated but had wanted to get to know. But she hadn't gotten to know Kaurou, she hadn't befriended him and grown to trust him.  
  
She didn't understand Shinji the way Kaorou did.  
  
Which was kind of funny, considering her relationship with her father mirrored his own relationship to Gendo.  
  
In his anger, Shinji had yelled at Misato, feeling betrayed that she could say such things. He didn't speak to her for several days after that, hiding away in his room and drowning out the sounds of her voice and the knocking on his door with his S-DAT.  
  
When he was finally ready to deal with her again and apologize, she wasn't home. She had probably gone to work the night shift, again. He waited on the couch and went to sleep. The morning sun had greeted him, and still Misato did not come. He cleaned up the apartment and fixed a fine breakfast for her, and still she did not come. He lobbied around the apartment all afternoon and well into the evening, and still she was absent. He waited for at least three more days, and she still had not come home.  
  
He wondered if she had just gotten tired of dealing with him and just gave up.  
  
It filled him with an emptiness that he was accustomed to, but which was not any easier to deal with.  
  
He thought back on how he had acted, not just the past few days, but how he had acted towards her in general. He had basically been a drag, always moping around and whining. She had tried to cheer him up several times, and he would just pretend like he didn't notice. She knew about his past and had even told him some about her own disturbing past, but he still didn't want to open up to her.  
  
Finally, she had done all she could to ensure his safe delivery to Unit01 when the JSSDF attacked, and all he did was slow her down. He slowed her down so much that she paid for it with her life.

* * *

Misato is dragging Shinji by the wrist as they are running through NERV. They finally make it to the junction that one of the operating technicians had directed them to.  
  
"Here it is." Misato states in a matter-of-fact kind of way.  
  
Then there is a barrage of gunshots.  
  
The sound of high-velocity metal ripping through flesh is heard, followed by a grunt of pain from Misato. She and Shinji blitz through the doorway before the several ton steel door shuts behind them, prematurely ending the pursuit of the commandos dressed in black.  
  
Misato is breathing rather heavily, but not as if she is tired. It's more like her life is quickly running out.  
  
"That should hold them off for a while. This way." She drags him along further down the corridor, then looks back at him. "You ok?" she asks, glancing him over for any wounds.  
  
Shinji just stares back at her and looks at the blood trickling down her side. Misato gets a good look, herself. "I'm alright, it's nothing too serious...There's still power, Shinji. Hey, Shinji!" she is trying to make sure she has his full attention. "From now on you're on your own. You have to make decisions by yourself. Nobody can help you."  
  
"I...I can't. I'm no good. I can't pilot EVA if all I do is hurt and kill people." Shinji sounds tired himself, but this is sounds more like a spiritual or mental kind of fatigue. "I have no right to do that. I thought that piloting Eva was my only choice...but I was just lying to myself."  
  
His self-depreciating rant continued on. "I don't understand anything...I'm not worthy to pilot Eva. There's nothing that I can do for other people! I've done something really terrible to Asuka, and I killed Kaorou! There isn't a shred of kindness in me! Only dishonesty and cowardice...If I can only hurt people, then I'd rather not do anything at all!"  
  
She is so sick of his chicken-shit outlook on life. It's time to get mad. "I'm not going to feel sorry for you. If you don't want to be hurt, then just die without doing anything at all!"  
  
And of course, Shinji started to break down and cry.  
  
Misato doesn't have time for this. "Crying is useless right now!"  
  
But regardless of how little time they have, Misato can't bring herself to stay angry with the boy. "You hate yourself, right? That's why you can hurt other people, because you know hurting people is more painful than hurting yourself. But, no matter what happens, remember that it was your decision. And that makes it worthwhile, Shinji. Because you decided by yourself! So stop lying to yourself! Think about what you can do...and then live with your decisions."  
  
"But you're...you're not me! You don't understand anything about me!" Shinji sounds as if he is embittered, as if the past year they spent together has meant absolutely nothing.  
  
Misato slams Shinji hard against the elevator gate. "SO FUCKING WHAT IF I'M NOT YOU!? ARE YOU JUST GOING TO GIVE UP NOW? If you stay here and do nothing, I won't forgive you! I'll NEVER forgive you for as long as I live!!!"  
  
Her frustration with him and her disbelief that he could act like such a child are coming to a head.  
  
Teenage-related mood swings and angst or not, Shinji could be really difficult at times. But right now is not allowed to be one of those times.  
  
Whatever the hell is wrong with Shinji, he needs to work through it, and fast.  
  
Misato is starting to grasp at straws here, desperation mixed in with the sincerity. "God knows I'm not perfect, either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again, thousands of times; a cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time I learned something about myself."  
  
Then her voice becomes gentler. "Listen, Shinji. Pilot Eva once more and find yourself. Pilot Eva to face the questions "Why are you here?" and "Why did you come here?" Find your own answers. And then, after finding yourself, find your way back to me."  
  
Misato places the silver cross, the one thing she literally keeps close to her heart, into Shinji's uncertain but capable hand.  
  
Shinji answers to the affirmative in a manner that would make Rei proud. "Yes."  
  
With a glimmer of hope in her eyes, Misato prepares to bid him farewell. She knows full and well that this is the last time that they will be together. "It's a promise. Now, go."  
  
In part to make sure he's fully alert, in part because this is her last moment on earth, and in part because Shinji is the last important man left in her own pitiful life, Misato pulls Shinji into a deep kiss. She presses hard against his lips, savoring his flavor, letting him sample her own flavor, trying to make the moment as meaningful and as long as possible.  
  
In spite of the force and spontaneity, this is probably the most tender moment they've ever shared with one another.  
  
And then Misato breaks away and shatters the silence with a seductive voice. "That was a very grown-up kiss, Shinji. We'll do the rest when you get back." She doesn't care if she's killed the mood, she just wants to get a laugh, a smile, SOMETHING out of him before he leaves her forever.  
  
He just stands there in shock.  
  
Unbeknownst to one another, they are simultaneously thinking along the lines of 'That was one HELL of a kiss!'  
  
Before he has a chance to overcome the shock and reply, Misato pushes him into the elevator and presses the button to send him up.  
  
Shinji is still trying to process what just happened. As he starts coming to, he notices the ever-familiar taste of blood in his mouth. But he knows it's not his blood.  
  
And then he hears a loud BOOM! beneath him, as the burst of light from the explosion finds its way to his pupils.  
  
The explosion came from the floor he was just on.  
  
There's no way in hell Misato's alive, now.  
  
Shinji's legs collapse underneath him and he starts to sob into his hands.

* * *

Back in the hospital bathroom, Shinji was sitting on the ground, sobbing into his hands, the feeling of Misato's death being on his conscience finally coming back to him in full.  
  
She had died saving his ungrateful ass, all because he was the one who wanted to lie down and die like the dog that he was.  
  
If he hadn't been such a bastard, she might've...might've...  
  
It didn't really matter. Third Impact would've come all the same, and Misato would still be up there in the ring of souls. She'd be gone from his life. No matter how you worked it, the end result was the same.  
  
What would've made a difference was if he had taken his opportunity to express his sorrow for being such a burden and his gratitude for baring him for so long.  
  
Not surprisingly, he didn't.  
  
"Jesus." Shinji whimpers out between sobs. "...Misato...(sob)...Oh god, Misato! (sob) You should've known...that I'd let you down again!...(sob) Just like I always do!  
  
"If I had known it would be like this, (sob) I'd have let you know...how important you were to me."  
  
Shinji sat there and continued to pour out his sorrows to an audience that wasn't there for a few minutes, then regained his composure. He recovered the back pack with the medical supplies and made his way out of the hospital and back to his cart.  
  
He needed some more time to deal with everything, but right now the matter of Asuka Langley Sohryou was pressing against him.  
  
"Misato..." Shinji whispered to himself, "I can't promise that everything will be okay between Asuka and me. I can't even promise that everything will be okay for each of us individually. But I will promise you this; I'll find the answers that I need from her. Once I do that, then I'll get back to you."  
  
For the love of him, he didn't know what the hell happened to the silver cross. It probably fell out of his pocket somewhere, hopefully back on the beach somewhere. But if he didn't find it, so be it. It was just a thing. Only the memories and what the thing represented mattered.  
  
Finding new strength to go on, Shinji made his way back to that forsaken beach.  
  
Somewhere, in the recesses of his mind, he could feel Misato's smile.

* * *

Since I did have Shinji magically know the truth (or most of the truth, anyway. OMFG SUSPENSE!!1) about Third Impact and what not, I thought it might kinda be a plot hole if he didn't remember anything else. So without giving too much away, we're going to see more and more memories from other people surface in later chapters. Which is good, because perhaps in analyzing Shinji and Asuka's feelings for other people, we may better come to understand the two of them, as well.  
  
Oh, and is there any correct or prefered spelling for "Kaorou?" That's just how I spell it, but I don't know if it's entirely right. 


	6. Memories, Part Two

Sorry this chapter's late. It feels a little short to me and I didn't know what else to put in, so I'ma just give it to you guys and let you rip into it as is. 

As it is, the next chapter might also be late. I've got three tests coming up (yippee :sarcasm:), and I'd also like to get Metroid Prime 2: Echoes fairly soon, W00T!!1 (now if only it weren't for those damn tests :mad:). But I'll try to get it in.

* * *

6. Memories, Part Deux 

As he was walking back towards that god-forsaken beach that reeked of death, the sky began to change from shades of darkness to a slight orange. In a few moments, it meant, the very first sunrise in this new world, this hell of his own doing, would happen. Probably nothing worth taking note of, though. The sun would continue to rise the day after, the day after that, and the day after that, ad infinitum, until the end of the universe, just as it had before Third Impact. With time, the "first" sunrise wouldn't be any more unique than any other sunrise that had come to pass. The world would settle back into a rhythm, a routine of sorts, and cycle perpetually. Day after day, it would still be the same rising and setting sun, same white moon, same stars, and same pain and emptiness that he had to deal with just like every other day past. In the end, nothing was really unique. Originality was nonexistent, because it was really the same recycled crap over and over again.

Probably the only things that counted as being different were the black-colored second moon and the ring of blood in the sky, but even those would cease to amaze given enough time. And all they really managed to do was to remind him of how he had failed everybody, which was also something he had to put up with every day.

So really, there's been no net change in the scheme of things.

Shinji wasn't in the mood for a celebration anyway, for the night was far from over for him.

He had been up all night gathering his supplies, but even after all those steps and paces he wasn't tired. He did not crave sleep in the slightest. He had felt no heaviness in his eyelids since he had first woken up on the beach. Even now, he felt more awake than ever before. It was as if he could not bring himself to rest, as if there was something more important than rest, something that had to be settled once and for all. You might even say that he was walking with a purpose.

His purpose; find out what made a certain Red Devil the way she was.

He still hadn't been able to answer his own question; why did he care why Asuka was so mean to him? Why did it matter now what made her into the person that she is to this very moment?   
How much did her mother's death have to do with it? What does he hope to get out of it in the end?

Well that was obvious; he wanted answers. But why did he want them? What good did it do him now? It was pointless to understand Asuka at this stage, if it hadn't been a pointless venture all along. Even if he knew what he desired to know, Asuka would still get mad at him and physically abuse him and continue to yell derogatory insults at him.

Maybe he wanted to know why because if he knows the cause, then he can stop it. If he knows what it is that makes Asuka so angry, he can stop it at the source, stop her from being angry, stop her from taking it out on him.

If he is aware of it, then he can change it.

Even so, Of all people, why did she give him the most difficult time?

The likely reason that Shinji was Asuka's favorite prey was that he never tried to defend himself. He very rarely took a stand for himself and butted heads with Asuka, but even then he walked away with his tail between his legs every time. Little surprise she always picked on him, then. The second likely reason was that he was always around her. They did practically everything together for the past year of their lives; home, school, and NERV.Except for the occasional flocking with friends and cliques, they were never very far apart. So he was always in her presence, and therefore always under attack.

Shinji was forced to conclude, therefore, that it was simply a matter of convenience.

Yet it felt as though there was more to it than just that. No matter how she acted around other people, she seemed to be deliberately cruel only to him. With everyone else, she was either just trying to be a show-off or trying to keep people out. But it was always on those terms. Asuka might get, mad throw a temper tantrums, and very often pick a fight or an argument without letting it go for several hours, but she didn't seem to do it with the intent of spite. But with Shinji, every one of her words and actions were filled with malice. There was either something he had done in the past or something about him that just made Asuka truly hate him.

The fifteenth's attack seemed to be a key contributor, but it wasn't the end-all solution. Asuka had already acted as she did before that catastrophe, she just acted that way even more so afterwards. So it had to be something he had done before that.

Come to think of it, Asuka hadn't really started to emotionally abuse him until after he had rescued her from the volcano after the eighth. But why then? Hadn't she "returned the favor" during the ninth? Weren't they even now? Or was that not enough? Does she act the way she does because she would have rather died than received his help?

Why, then, did she look like she wanted to thank him afterwards?

Or was that simply wishful thinking?

But the more Shinji thought about it, the more the whole thing sounded incredibly stupid. If she caused him that much pain, why didn't he just go some place else? What was so important to know the truth...to understand her?

Shinji thought back to a conversation he had with Kaji and how Kaji had said that the Kanji character used for the word "she" literally translates into "woman who is far away." It was Shinji's interpretation of the conversation that trying to understand others is an impossibility. You can never hope to understand other people because people cannot even understand themselves. That seemed to fit his current situation to the tee, because Shinji didn't even know why the hell he was trying to go through with this.

Shinji found himself talking to himself. "Kaji, if it's impossible for others to understand other people...if it's impossible for me to understand Asuka, then why am I doing it? Why bother if it can't be done? If we can never hope to know the truth about things, then why do we look for the truth at all?"

"Because it is the nature of human beings to seek the truth, Shinji."

The voice didn't really seem to come from any direction. It felt so very close, and at the same time so very far away.

And of course Shinji was startled.

He turned around a full 360 degrees, darting his head and scanning the entire area about him, looking for the pony-tailed, unshaven owner of that voice. But whoever it had belonged to, they were not here to be found. Every which way he looked, Shinji found nobody else but himself.

Out of some laughable spark of hope, he began shouting out at the potential second party. "Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Is that you, Kaji?"

He wasn't even answered by howling wind, it was that quiet.

"Okay, the first time was weird, and it was probably just all in my head. But a second time? That's just TOO weird." Shinji said to himself. He had only been in this world a good eight hours now. It was way too soon to start going crazy already.

"But maybe I am going crazy." Shinji thought. But he knew that he was going crazy, so at least some portion of his sanity remained. He knew that the voice he just heard wasn't real, no matter how much his senses told him that it was. He hadn't completely lost it.

Yet.

The only thing that linked the two incidents so far was that he had spoken to himself out loud. It wasn't much of a connection, but it was all that Shinji could come up with. But he didn't feel like pushing his luck and having voices inside his head screaming at him to paint pentagrams on walls and eat human flesh, so for the time being he decided it might be best to avoid talking to himself (at least aloud). He didn't even feel ready to deal with real people; he certainly didn't need to be driven mad by imaginary people.

Yet if he wasn't ready to deal with real people, what made him think he could tackle Asuka?

After an hour or so of more walking, Shinji's feet finally made contact with bone-white sand and his gaze met the lake of blood. It was a bit difficult to ascertain if he was in the correct vicinity, given that every portion of the beach looked identical to the last and that there were few distinguishing buildings or markers around, but Shinji was certain that this was the area where Asuka was suppose to be.

But there was no Asuka to be found.

"Aw come on! Don't tell me I made her up, too!" He shouted, forgetting his vow to not talk to himself.

But then he saw disturbances in the sand. They appeared to be prints of some kind. From the looks of it, the person had crawled up the beach a ways, then stood up and began walking. Shinji was no expert on tracking, but seeing as he knew he didn't make these tracks and given that the hand and foot prints were too small to be his own, he had to conclude that they were Asuka's.

But the only thing it meant to Shinji at that moment was that she was not here, which made his task all the more difficult.

"Son of a BITCH!" he started kicking sand with his foot and began to curse.

A part of him was relieved that he hadn't imagined Asuka (forgetting that the wounds on his face could have told him that), but another part of him was mad as sin that she was now gone. He also felt like slapping himself for it not even occurring to him that she might try to get away. Any trace of her stopped at the edge of the beach, where there was no more sand to record her journey.

If Shinji couldn't track down Asuka, he was going to have to search for her. But even with a good three quarters of the city now leveled, it would still take an impractical amount of time to find her. By the time he had finished looking, she might have gotten away from the city, maybe even out to one of the other neighboring cities. But he had to at least assume that she'd stay in the confines of the city because a) for at least a while, she's going to want to stay somewhere familiar and comfortable, at least until she recovered, which led to b) that she's too weak and injured to do any long-distance traveling. But there was also a very real chance that she might seriously hurt herself or die...

"Not that I care about her or anything," he said coldly. "But if she dies on me I won't get what I came here for." Which was true enough; if he wanted answers, he needed her alive and responsive.

No, if he was going to find Asuka, he needed to think like Asuka.

While Shinji didn't really understand Asuka personality-wise or psychologically-wise, he did know her personal habits well. More than likely, she might want to take off the bandages and examine her wounds. That probably meant she was at a hospital somewhere, provided she had found one. If the wounds were not serious and they permitted her, however, she was going to want to take a nice, long, hot shower or something along those lines. She was going to have to use that special German brand of shampoo that she is so fond of and that specially imported body wash that she just cannot live without. She was also going to want to get out of her LCL-soaked plug suit and put on some real clothes.

And that got him thinking. When Asuka had moved out to go stay with Hikari, she took all her clothes and her toiletries, including the shampoo and body wash. If they were absolutely essential to her, then she'd probably head to Hikari's. The only problem with that theory is that Hikari's place was wrecked along with many other homes after the sixteenth. It had still been standing when Asuka ran away there for a week, and Section 2 had found her lying naked in the bath tub, but her things might have been destroyed as well. Even so, it was an optimal place to begin searching.

Another place he could check was back at Misato's apartment. Asuka hadn't taken all of her possessions with her, so odds are that there was something back at the apartment that she would not want to be without.

The odds of finding Asuka seemed better and better. Add to that the fact that she couldn't move at a very quick pace, given how worn out she was when he found her. But at least two complications put a damper on all of this. One was that he couldn't tell how recent the tracks were. Asuka might have just left, or she might have gone off as soon as Shinji was out of sight. Second, he still didn't know where "here" was in relation to any other place. If he didn't know that, it was likely that neither did Asuka. So again, potentially, she could be anywhere right about now.

This all assumed, of course, that she hadn't gone and killed herself or something. But Asuka seemed to proud to commit suicide. She probably saw it as running away or being afraid, and the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou was too good for that. So until he found the body, he'd have to assume that she was still alive of her own free will.

"Okay, I know of a place I want to go, but I don't know where I am. I want to find out where I am so that I can find out how to get where I'm going. If I were Asuka, what would I do?

"Well, I certainly wouldn't ask for help from anybody (not that I could now, anyway), so I'd probably look for directions of some kind. I'd probably look for street signs or something, probably a map as well.

"No, I can't read Kanji very well, so maps and signs might not do me a whole lot of good. But I still don't know where I am, so I'll probably want to look for something familiar. A building of some kind, something that tells me something about where I am. Most of the city is destroyed, so that doesn't leave a great deal of places for me to go.

"I can't go to the Geo Front 'cause it's up in the air right now and where it used to be is filled with LCL. The school was also definitely destroyed, so that's a no go.

"Aw hell, she probably just randomly wandered around." he said in defeat. Which was probably the only reasonable conclusion, given that she wouldn't know where she is. She'd have to search on foot and hope that she came across something she knew.

True, Shinji didn't know where she was at this very moment. But if he was right, he knew where she would be. Asuka was a very bright girl; she'd find a way to get her bearings and get to her destination. Even so, he was still taking quite a gamble that he knew her so well. He was also assuming that she was staying still in one spot and had not already moved on. But it was all he had to go on. It was all he knew, and he can only do what he knows to do.

But the longer he took to locate her, the less likely it was that he'd get to her before something undesirable happened.

'Again, I just need her alive. It's not like I care about her anymore or anything.' he thought, trying to remind himself of why he was doing this.

But he couldn't, because he still didn't truly know why he was doing this.

"You never were a very good liar, Shinji." a voice said out of the blue.

But it was neither the voice of Kaji or Misato. This was a third voice. It was a very soothing voice to Shinji, and it filled him with feelings of friendship and trust. This was the voice of somebody he could confide in, with whom he could share all of his darkest secrets and not be cast out because of what he really was. It was a very accepting voice, as though he could be true to himself around this person and have no fear of rejection.

It was the voice of somebody very dear to him.

It was the voice of somebody who betrayed him, and still he is very dear to him.

So dear to him that Karuo's death was almost literally on Shinji's hands.

Images of the fifteen year-old boy with blood-red irises just like Rei's and short white hair filled Shinji's mind. He thought back to the first time they met, out in the ruined streets of Tokyo-3 one week after the sixteenth Angel attacked. Shinji was walking without any particular destination in mind, and suddenly heard somebody humming to the tune of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy." That was when he and Karou had made their introductions to one another. Even then, he seemed so warm and inviting, and he had this serene smile on the whole time. It was nothing like Kaji's smile; Karou was not simply calm and collected, he seemed truly at peace, as though nothing could ever ruin his day.

He thought back to when they were showering in the locker room at NERV, when Karou had confessed his love to Shinji. This was the only person, to Shinji's memory, who had ever said "I love you" to Shinji. Even if he was a guy, the words didn't seem very homosexual. Okay, standing in front of him stark naked with no towel around him as he said it did come off as rather fruity, but beyond that he didn't seem to be implying that he was gay or anything. It didn't seem like the word "love" was implying physical or sexual relations. Instead, it conveyed true caring, true acceptance, as though it would matter to somebody whether or not Shinji woke up and existed the following day. Karou wasn't asking to be his lover, he was asking for his acceptance, and to be accepted by him. He already seemed to know and understand Shinji very well, even though they'd only known each other for one day, and already he wanted Shinji to let down his defenses and let someone in. And in return,Karou had offered no defenses at all. He was very open and comfortable with himself, and Shinji was allowed to come and go as he pleased into Karou's heart and soul.

Then he thought back to when Karou had possessed Unit02 during Asuka's coma, and had commandeered it in his effort to locate and join with Adam down in the depths of NERV. Shinji could recall the exact moment when he was summoned to Unit01 and briefed on the target. He remembered the initial shock, disbelief, and the rage that he had been played for a fool the entire time by Karou. Then he remembered when Karou had found Lilith (who Shinji had also believed to be Adam), and instead of trying to get away or prepare an attack, he lowered his AT Field and asked Shinji to kill him. He didn't seem to goad him into doing it or tease him about how Karou had betrayed his trust. It was not as if Karou was deliberately trying to make the situation more difficult for Shinji than it already was. Yet he wasn't suicidal in the sense that he was depressed and hated everything and had no desire to go on. It was almost like Karou was asking Shinji to grant him mercy. He recalled the last words Karou and said to him, how if life and death were equal alternatives, then death was the only true freedom.

In spite of how Karou had betrayed him, Shinji did not want to kill him. Shinji didn't care what Karou was; he was the only being, the only PERSON, who had ever understood Shinji so well. He was the only person to truly care about Shinji, to love Shinji for being Shinji. He did not put up with him because he was an excellent Eva pilot or because he did all the cleaning and cooking or because he was some kind of celebrity. Karou didn't love Shinji because he had a use, Karou loved Shinji for simply being himself. No one, save Kaji, had ever really done anything like that for him, as far as he could remember. And now, not only did this person turn out to be something that his duty as an Eva pilot required him to destroy, but this person was now asking Shinji to kill him, to cast off that which he had so desperately needed all his life but had never genuinely received.

True acceptance.

To be needed by somebody for simply being alive, and not because you suddenly had a purpose or a use.

Karou had given Shinji that which he had ever really wanted, and now he wanted Shinji to let that go. That he could even ask that of Shinji had made it infinitely more agonizing. He had surrendered, without much of a struggle, and still he wore that damn wonderful smile of his.

Didn't Karou grasp the seriousness of what he was asking? Or was he just leading Shinji on this whole time? Was it some sort of revenge, or an attack, or simply some twisted Angel sense of humor?

And yet, maybe Karou hadn't been merely toying with him. Even if he was an Angel, sincerity had formed the tips of every word he spoke to Shinji, piercing him through the soul, reaching out to him in ways that few had ever been able to. Of that much Shinji was certain.He had to have meant all those things he had said, it had been too real, too...beautiful to all be a lie.

Or was Shinji simply letting his feelings get in the way of his better judgment?

No, he had gotten to know Karou while no one else even bothered. He alone knew what a wonderful person Karou was, even if he did happen to be the enemy. And what reason did Karou have to lie about all those things? If Karou had the power to remotely synch with soul-less Evas (or at least Evas whose souls were in hiding) and also possessed his own AT Field, why didn't he try to reach Adam sooner? Why had he taken the effort to get to know Shinji?

Besides, he had already learned the truth about Humans and Angels and how they were really all the same. So was Karou really an "enemy?" Where did you even begin to draw the line? And seeing how it was ultimately Humans who initiated Third Impact, who was really the bad guy here? Who was really the antagonist of this twisted story, and who was left to be the protagonist?

Certainly not Shinji. At the least, he would be an anti-hero. He hadn't performed any sort of service for humanity in the name of honor, community, selfless sacrifice, or any of that other ideal chilvalrous bullshit. He had done it for himself, he had destroyed everyone and everything because he had believed that this was the world that he had always wanted. He thought that everyone could die and go to hell, so a world without peole must have been what he wanted. But to even call him an anti-hero was stretching it a bit, considering that Shinji didn't feel like ANY kind of hero.

But Shinji was losing track of the situation here. Another voice was speaking to him, and instead of doing something about it Shinji was being inwardly philosophical. "Alright, third time's a charm. I'ma have to draw the line here. This is going to stop right now!"

"(chuckle) Oh, Shinji, you're still as tense as ever." the voice carried on.

"You're not real, so I'm not going to dignify you with a response." Shinji said.

"But you just dignified me with a response right now!" the voice was still calm, but seemed to be amused at the same time.

And he made a good point.

"Damnit, you're not real! I know you're not real, so I'm not crazy yet. I'm not crazy, so I must still be in control. And I'm in control, so I'm making you go away!" Shinji's trying to stay calm, but at the same time he's fully aware that he's talking to an imaginary voice.

"What a fine line of reasoning, Shinji. Bravo! But I assure you, you are not becoming psychotic."

"I'm talking to you, aren't I? You're not really here!"

"Then why are you still talking to me?"

"I...Hey! Don't change the subject!"

"(chuckle) It's perfectly alright, Shinji. I understand completely."

Imaginary or not, this is getting to be too strange for Shinji's tastes. That, and how could he face the person whom he had cared for so much but had murdered? "No, STOP! Don't say anything else! You're not real, I'm probably just really stressed right now or something, just go away!"

No hint of disappointment is to be found within the voice, it is just as serene as ever. Just as serene as that smile. "Shinji, I know you better than you know yourself. I do not believe that that is what you truly want, Shinji. Would it make you feel better if I was visible?"

"No, go away!" Shinji yelled, bowing his head and covering his ears with his hands, as if trying to grab his mind and hold off the forces that were invading it. He clamped shut his eyes and tried to wait out the voice until it became bored with him.

Not even waiting for his approval, the voice assumed the form of Karou Nagisa, a white-haired albino male, the Fifth Child chosen to pilot the Evangelions, and the seventeenth and "final" Angel.

He appeared before Shinji, still smiling benevolently as always.

"Is this better, Shinji?"

Shinji still refused to open his eyes, afraid to look. "No, go away! You're not really him!"

"I am as real as you need me to be, Shinji."

"What kind of ambiguous answer is that?"

"Shinji, if I'm not actually real, then it won't matter whether you can see me or not. As long as you actually 'know' that I'm not real, there isn't really any harm in looking at me, now is there?"

Shinji had to hand it to this apparition, the logic was sound.

And so Shinji opened his eyes. He took a minute to study the face before him, and when he was through his own smile met Karou's.

They stood there in silence for a moment, until Shinji broke it. "I have to admit, it is good to see you again....Karou."

"It is good to see you as well, Shin-jun."

Shinji blushed ever so slightly at the "-jun" being thrown in. "So, are you really standing here before me, or am I going crazy?"

"What does your heart tell you, Shinji?"

Shinji seriously pondered the question for a moment before answering. "I...I don't know. I don't know what to think! This is all happening too fast, you know? One minute you're dead, then the next everybody's dead, then I'm trying to kill Asuka, and now this! I just need to know, Karou. I need to hear from you if this just another trick somebody's playing on me."

Though he was still smiling, Karou paused for a moment, as if trying to choose his words very carefully. Either it was difficult to put into words, or it was an explanation that Shinji was not necessarily going to be very happy with. "Well, yes and no. You are only partially correct; I am not really standing in front of you, Shinji. However, I am very much with you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Are you real or not?"

"I trust that you have been having them; the memories that are not your own. You have begun to remember people, places, and events that you have never encountered, emotions that were not your own."

He wasn't entirely sure how this ghost knew about that. But if he had heard him talking to himself inside his own mind, it wasn't a very large stretch of the imagination that he might know other things about Shinji. "Just a little bit, not a whole lot."

"That is to be expected. You have also figured out that this was because of your exposure to Instrumentality, am I correct?"

"Yeah. So what?"

"Well, you might say that I am a memory of sorts."

"Huh? How can you be a memory if I'm talking to you right now?"

"You see, Shinji, you have absorbed the memories of all of Humanity. Even in the mere matter of minutes that you were exposed, you received countless lifetimes of memories from others. But you ripped yourself away before you had the proper amount of time to process and digest it all. You became an individual again, instead of remaining as a part of the collective whole. When you re-assumed your single form, your single and unique perspective, you lost the ability to simultaneously hold other's perspectives. Yet your mind still retained all the knowledge that had been passed onto you. You can no longer hold more than one perspective at a time in your mind, and so all those thoughts have been pushed back into the deeper parts of your mind to be dealt with at a later date. To try to deal with it all at once would overwhelm you, and so your mind is having to slowly process it all, one person at a time, one lifetime at a time."

"So, the reason I can't seem to recall much is because I can't recall it yet?"

"Precisely. Your mind was able to deal with some facts first, facts such as the truth behind Third Impact and the Human Instrumentality Program. Others, such as personal thoughts and desires from other people, frighten you, and so you block them from yourself until you feel ready. Some you are more ready to accept than others; mainly the ones from those who are the closest to you, such as Major Katsuragi."

Shinji thought back to his purple-haired surrogate mother and how she had died because of him. Some of earlier was starting to make sense now, but he still didn't completely get it. "But you still haven't really explained why you're standing here before me."

"Shinji, you haven't just absorbed people's thoughts and memories. Your soul was also one of many, one among others. Billions of souls have touched your own, mingled with your own, and shared so much with you. You could say a very small part of everyone's soul is now mixed with your own. You have more than just their memories, Shinji. You possess everything that makes them 'them!'"

"What are you trying to say? That you're the part of the soul that is Karou?"

"You might think of me more as a projection of Karou's personality."

"Projection?"

"Yes. In a way, this is a method your mind is using to cope with everything it has taken in. I am the culmination of the memories and neuronal heuristics that make up the entity you know to be Karou. I can interact with you in exactly the same way as the 'real' Karou would.I am not 'truly' Karou, but for all intents and purposes, I AM him. So you see, I can be as real as you need me to be. I can be a simulation, or just an after-thought. Or I can actually be Karou."

"So you're just a fancy illusion fabricated by my subconscious?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes Shinji."

"...Then you can go away! Like I said, you're not real, you're a product of my mind, so I say what goes. And right now, you don't go."

"You still have doubts. I understand, Shinj-"

"No, you DON'T understand! How can you? You're not even really him! So don't feed me this shit about how you understand how I feel! You're not really Karou, no matter how much it would be nice if you were."

"So you do wish for me to be real?"

"It..it doesn't matter what I want, because he isn't here! And talking to his 'projection' isn't going to help, either. You're nothing more than a cop-out, I'd just be lying to myself if I started thinking you really were him!"

"But am I not him in at least some way, Shinji? I have his memories, I react in exactly the same way as he would."

"That's not enough! You...you're not even real. You said it yourself; you're just my mind playing tricks on me. You're just a copy, so I don't even know you! I just want you to go away and leave me alone!"

"Then is Ayanami any less important to you simply because she is a copy?"

Shinji was silenced by that line of reasoning. It was true; the Rei he had come to know was just a clone, to be quickly replaced by an identical unit in the event of her "demise." But the Rei that Shinji had grown close to was not some cardboard-cutout version of Rei Ayanami. Even if she seemed distant, emotionless, and calculating, Shinji had gotten to know her.Underneath it all, she did have feelings that needed to be considered. She was very good at hiding them from everyone else and suppressing them, but she had let them slip on more than one occasion, such as when she slapped Shinji for saying that he placed no faith in his father, or when she would visit him in the hospital to check up on his condition, or when she had sacrificed herself by overloading Unit00's core in order to save Shinji from the sixteenth.

She might have been a clone, but she was no copy.

Shinji didn't feel mad about getting angry at the illusion. He might have looked like Karou and sounded like Karou, but that didn't make it Karou. "You will NOT talk about Ayanami like that again, YOU HEAR ME! And I am ORDERING you to go away. I didn't ask you to appear, I didn't summon you, and not matter what, you are NOT Karou! So go back to hell and leave me alone!"

This entire time, the pseudo-Karou had not stopped smiling. This moment was no exception. "Very well, Shinji. I will leave you alone for the time being. But we shall meet again, make no mistake about that. I had expected that you would react in such a way. But despite what you make think, I do understand, Shinji. When you have had time to deal with all that you have just learned, I will speak with you again."

The imaginary Karou began to slip from invisibility, but not without some words of closing. "One more thing, my Shin-jun. Do not preoccupy yourself with guilt of having caused Third Impact. Third Impact did indeed happen; however, it was not necessarily completed. There is still hope for the Lilum."

And with that, he completely faded out of existence.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Shinji's anger quickly dissolved into a mixture of doubt and hope. Could he trust everything the apparition had said? Was it true that he was basically a glorified MAGI computer, an interactive AI program with a personality? Or was this only an elaborate fabrication of his mind, making up stories because he couldn't deal with cold hard truth

Of course, only the Karou projection had promised to leave him be, if only for a limited time. How soon before the projections of others he had ever cared about came to haunt him?He had already heard the voices of Misato and Kaji. What might they say to him in the future.

And, he more or less knew what they meant to him. But what did he really mean to them? Even if they were just figments of his own imagination, Shinji was not looking forward to confronting them.

He couldn't even deal with simple delusions, what made him think he could take on Asuka?

Did he even really WANT to face Asuka now?

* * *

So....yeah. That's what I've got going on inside Shinji's head. I'd like for the next chapter to take another peek at Asuka's head. 

Truth be told, though, I'm sort of running out of steam on this whole project. When I first sat down and wrote this, I was just emptying out my thoughts. Now that I'm not as fixated on the series anymore (don't get me wrong, I still love this series to death!), I'm not thinking about it nearly as hard.

My other problem is that I know how I want the story to end, I just don't have it planned out on how to get there. I haven't really planned anything at all, I've more or less pulled this and chapters 4 and 5 out of my ass. I'm pretty much writing these chapters on the fly one to two days before I submit them. Not a good practice, I know, so if you wonder why future chapters aren't up to par or anything, it's probably because of that.

But I don't want you guys to worry. I'm going to finish what I started, and I'm going to do it PROPERLY. Even if my writing or the story starts to suck, I'm NOT going to just cop out and write some half-assed final chapter that prematurely kills everything. However long it takes, I'm going to try to let this thing finish naturally.


	7. Meanwhile

Yes, I'm back! I know it's been a while, but I did not forget about this story, or my promise. I will keepthis going for as long as it needs to.

This chapter, as promised, takes another peak at Asuka. Once again, there will not be much in the way of dialogue or character interaction. For those of you who have a problem with this, I am sorry. I'm trying to have a story arc going, but as I've said before the greater emphasis is on my psychological interpretation of the characters. Chapter 8, which is in the works and nearing completion, will have some dialogue, though.

Also, looking at Shinji's inner dialogue in chapter two....I realize, there are some parts of it that I really hate. Going back through it in my head, it just doesn't seem dark enough or something, and it feels like something a seventh grader might have written (no offense to you seventh graders out there). Whether or not you agree is your own opinion, but in the future don't be suprised if I've tweaked it.

* * *

7. Meanwhile.... 

True enough to Shinji's prediction, and contrary to his belief that she had no bearings, Asuka had made her way, albeit slowly, to the tattered remains of Hikari Horaki's Tokyo-3 home. Given her condition, which was making her rather lethargic, she had to make constant stops to rest and regather her strength. When she had started out, it was still pitch black outside. Now the sun was completely over the horizon, beating its rays down on the empty earth, and the new morning was well under way.

When she did finally reach her destination, however, she was quite glad to see that the home was still standing, if you can call a house with three of its walls and its roof missing still standing. But in any case, the time and energy expelled that could have been used to heal her broken body had not been in vain. She let out a sigh of relief.

There wasn't much that remained in the house except for rubble. A couch that was ruined by flood water on the first floor, some bed frames with their mattress, dressers, and some of Asuka's things that Hikari had salvaged for her were all that was left for Asuka to use. When the Horakis had moved out, they recovered whatever they could that was not damaged by the flood during the attack of the sixteenth; dishes and good china, chairs, the TV, bed sheets and linen, and small pieces of furniture. In spite of Hikari's assurances that they would return when they felt that the city would be safe enough, her family's actions seemed to indicate that they were staying away for good and not looking back.

But if what the baka had said was true, they definitely wouldn't be coming back now.

Nobody would.

During the journey, the full implications of what Shinji had told her had finally hit home. Everybody in the world was gone. That she knew of, she and Shinji were all that was left. Somehow they had managed to survive (and of course the baka failed to mention how this was possible), while everybody else she had ever known was...well, they were not here to be found. For Asuka, this meant only two things; all the people she had ever known and hated, which were many, were now gone and would never bother her again. But it also meant that all the people she had known and NOT hated were now also gone. Hikari, Kaji-kun (even now, she still couldn't fully accept his "death"), and.....

Come to think of it, the list of people that she did't hate was about as long as the distance that she could pick up and throw that idiot jock Touji Suzahara.

Some part of Asuka had always known how very alone she was, but for the first time in her life, Asuka was finally TRULY alone. All she had ever wanted was to prove to everyone else that she didn't need any help from anyone, that she could make it on her own. Now she had that opportunity. Except for that idiot, who she couldn't count on for anything anyway, she could finally show them all, show the Invincible Shinji, show mama....

Yet somehow this wasn't completely what she had in mind. Proving you can be independent was one thing, being all that remained of the human race was something else entirely. She didn't really hate PEOPLE, unlike a certain meek little boy, she just hated it when people took pity on her and looked at her like she was some helpless little doll...

Granted, Asuka had to take what Shinji had said with a grain of salt. First of all, how the hell did he know that they were the only two that remained? Maybe the damage of Third Impact had been isolated only to Tokyo-3, maybe even only Japan. Yes, that's it; the rest of the world had to be okay. Somewhere out there, there had to be other people. There might even be search and rescue teams on their way now, looking for survivors. They could find her and, if she got lucky, she'd never had to see Shinji's sorry face again. It would be too cruel an end if she was left alive with only that pervert as company. Hell, he probably got some crazy hentai idea that they would have to repopulate the earth!

"Stupid Shinji, he was probably choking me so he could rape me or something, that filthy hentai bastard." she grumbled.

Upon making that accusation, though, another realization hit Asuka. Shinji, the scared little boy who would do anything he could to weasle his way out of a confrontation, the kid with the hunched postured and sad little eyes she had met on the frigate almost a year ago, had actually tried to kill her. KILL her. Kill HER.

If her pride had permitted, she might have actually broken down and shed tears at that realization.

* * *

Asuka is awake, but not fully alert. At the moment, her mind feels very fuzzy, as if someone had come along, removed her brain, and pureed it in a blender. Everything feels sore, particularly her left eye and right arm. She cannot seem to remember why, though. 

Her other eye is open, and through it she can see clear night sky, and what would appear to be some sort of red halo in the sky, but she isn't entirely sure where she is. She is fairly sure, however, that there is another presence near by, as she can hear somebody talking to themselves. She wants to cry out, let them know she's still alive, but her voice will not obey her. It is as if her body is too tired to care.

Then the other presense enters her field of vision. Asuka has just enough time to register the face before he grabs her neck and begins to choke the life out of her, his fingers digging into her graceful neck like a pair of talons closing around its prey, moving in for the highlight of the hunt; the kill.

With him kneeling over top of her, she has an excellent view of his eyes, and what she sees in them does something to Asuka she thought impossible; she feels fear. She can feel his half-crazed, half-enraged look stabbing into her. She doesn't have the strength to resist his advance, but even if she did she has no doubt that the paralysis of fear alone would deny her a chance to defend herself. She doesn't believe that she would have been fighting Shinji, anyway. He looks so empty, as if he is no longer Shinji Ikari.

The hatred is what stands out to Asuka the most. He is looking at her as though she had done him an unspeakable injustice. She notices this the most because it is so uncharacteristic of Shinji. No matter what you did to the boy, he just stood there and took it. He didn't get mad at others, that was impossible, he simply suffered their attacks and then later blamed himself for their actions against him. At the very least you could annoy him, but he never did anything to defend himself. It was like the boy had a Messiah Complex or something. He must've been one of those weirdos who get off from being hurt.

But no, not this time. This time he looks like...like he could actually kill someone.

It closely resembles whenever he would fight the Angels.

The age-old survival instinct is there, but it is somehow...distant. Perhaps, it too, no longer cares. You know you've hit rock bottom when you're too tired to even care about dying.

She doesn't even make the effort to struggle to breathe. But as she is lying there, once again being masticated by the jaws of death, the one thing about Asuka that never quits, the pride that has served her psyche well for seven years, flares up once more, and the abusive, control-freakish Asuka we all know takes command once again. And the old Asuka has only one objective in mind; get the baka off of her. Where self-preservation will dare not venture, the humiliation of being beaten by the Invincible Shinji yet again, the look in his eyes that scream "HA! I'M BETTER THAN YOU NOW! I'M NUMBER ONE AND YOU'RE NOTHING!" provides the necessary incentive to will herself back into motion.

Is he really gloating like that, or is that simply how her pride perceives the situation?

Somehow having lost all focus on the pain in her right arm, Asuka raises her right arm. Her goal is to somehow get Shinji off of her, perhaps pushing him off of her. No, that won't work, not enough energy to do that. How about a slap in the face? Yeah, that'll work, that will but the baka in his place!

But she doesn't even have enough strength to do that, and as she initiates her attack her hand lands gently onto his cheek instead.

It is not so much the sense of physical contact that affects Asuka so much as it is Shinji's reaction. With a single touch, she causes his maniacal look to disappear, instantly replacing it with a look of sorrow and remorse. Shinji still seems angry, though, but it seems to be directed inward, as though he had let himself down, had failed to do something he had promised himself. Seeing these changes in Shinji somehow intrigue Asuka, and she begins to, ever so slowly, stroke his cheek, probing for more. She then feels his hot tears fall onto her chest, hot with the hate that was previously directed at her, perhaps.

As Shinji goes through his plethora of emotional changes, Asuka felt her own heart melt. The old, hate-filled Asuka is overridden once again, and she begins to feel her own brand of sorrow and remorse. Perhaps...this is regret that she was feeling. Regret that she had pushed him so far that he would now get rid of her. Regret that she had actually destroyed him like this.

Regret that this was the final attention he would pay her.

What a bitter-sweet end.

Saddness and melancholy dilute the look of murder in Shinji's eyes, and not the "I'm depressed and I hate the world and I'm going to throw a pity party for myself" sad that is typically Shinji. He looks as though he was about to cut off his own arm in order to save his life. It was as if killing her was some kind of necessary evil, a course of action that he neither wanted nor chose, but has to follow through.

And instead, he now chooses to keep the festering limb that will inevitably kill him, simply because he can now not bare to part with it.

She had been expecting Shinji to laugh in her face, to kick her down in her weakest moment, to continue his assault without mercy. And instead, he's crying.

Why?

This is your moment of glory, baka! The Invincible Shinji will triumph over the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou once more! What are you waiting for?

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

It finally dawns on Asuka that his attack might be payback for all the times she had slapped him, kicked him, teased him, and put him down. She had only done it because she wanted to get a reaction from him. Maybe she had even done it because even if he fought back, at least she wouldn't be ignored. At least he would be paying attention to her, instead of just shutting her out in place of his S-DAT.

All that mattered was that he wasn't focused on wondergirl.

But to have pushed him past the brink of sanity, to have tortured him so much that he now wishes death upon her, this simply exceeds anything Asuka could have ever expected.

And now, even when he can finally have his revenge, when obviously Asuka truly is weak and Shinji is strong, when for once in his damn life he is winning, he would choose to retreat? Why has he stopped? Even the baka isn't THIS weak. He proved it every time he piloted. He was doing so well a moment ago, unless...

Baka must think that the touch is an apology.

Or...or a way of saying "I love you."

In that split moment, Asuka is finally trying, for the first time in her life, to step outside of herself and consider what somebody else is feeling. And what she sees makes her extremely ashamed of herself. With that last mental note, Asuka is finally able to interpret Shinji's actions towards her in general. The way he always came back when he ran away, how he occasionally went out of his way to make her happy (or at least contempt), how he didn't try to sneak peaks of her in the shower, how he had saved her from the volcano and put up with her during their synch training, how he always tried to give her genuine words of encouragement and congratulations, how he tried to express his gratefulness that she had survived the fifteenth's attack, and how he had asked Hikari nearly everyday afterwards if she was alright.

He must've done it because he loved her.

Never once in the time they spent together had Asuka ever bothered to take into account what Shinji might have been feeling. She had figured that he was, in all likelihood, just like every other hormone-driven teenage boy she had ever had the misfortune of meeting. Instead, the truth must have been that he suffered her abuses because he was trying to show that he cared.

Had she waited a moment longer, it might've been too late to realize all of this. Whatever feelings he may have had for her had almost vanished along with the rest of the world. But with a single touch, she had shown that his efforts had not gone unnoticed.

Asuka wouldn't go so far as to say that she cares about the little baka, but she had never meant to do THIS to him. She wanted to break him, yes, but only for the sake of reshaping him however she saw fit. It was not her goal, however, to cause him irreparable damage. But if she had known about this...that she had possessed this kind of power over him all this time...

The thought shakes Asuka's very foundation. She cannot deal with this..this feeling of absolute guilt and self-disgust. Anything but this!

She does not want this. She does not want anybody to love her.

She does not want to risk loving HIM.

No, it was better when he hated her.

'Of course he doesn't love you. How could he possibly ever love you? You've never given him a reason to. Besides, you're too too good for him. Being horny is not being in love, anyway. He's just like every other little boy on the planet and all he wants is what's in your pants.

'He tried to kill you, for Christ's sake! You don't kill somebody that you love!

'As if it matters, though. Love is bullshit.

'And don't forget that he's always eyeing wondergirl.

'He's a hentai baka, you dumkopf! And you don't need anybody, let alone HIM.'

Asuka's hubris has a good point. If she allows other people to care for her, she might eventually care for them. And if she cares about somebody, it will hurt that much more when they eventually dissapoint her or leave her altogether.

Just like mama.

She would do well to stay the hell away from everyone and everyone would do better to leave her the hell alone.

She feels Shinji push off of her and roll onto his side, facing away from her. As he does this, Asuka thinks about all these new feelings that she is having. She thinks about how she might actually be able to understand, if only in part, what Shinji had gone through all along. She contemplates about how dirty she feels with regards to everything she had ever done to the poor baka.

She really hates feeling this way. It's too painful.

Too painful to admit when you're the one who's at fault.

Too painful to face the ones you've hurt.

She doesn't know if that is because old Asuka is almost in control once again or what, but all she knows at the moment is that she wants to forget about how terrible she feels. Various ways to describe this new experience race through her mind, struggling to reach her mouth and tongue. They are largely variations on "I feel sick," and "This feeling sucks."

Finally, all Asuka could muster out was "How disgusting."

* * *

Asuka shook all thoughts of that touch from her memory. She obviously was in shock or something and didn't know what the hell she was doing. There wasn't even a snowball's chance in hell that she'd ever feel sorry for baka, let alone say it. "Stupid baka, he had to wait until I couldn't fight back to try and kill me, and he STILL couldn't do it. HA! What a weakling!" she said. "He was probably going to rape me, too, until he saw that I was awake. Fucking perverted little hentai probably would've raped my dead body, too." 

In spite of feeling as though she had just been done in by nine Angels, Asuka was beginning to feel more and more like her old self. Which suited her just fine, considering she could use all the familiarity she could get.

Searching through the rubble of Hikari's old room, Asuka found the suitcase with all her extra clothes. When she had been lying naked in the bathtub for a week, she had lain her old school clothes, neatly folded, onto a chair next to the tub, and when Section 2 had found her they had them taken to the hospital she had been staying at. But they had not found the other items she had taken with her, and so fortunately for Asuka, she now had something with which to clothe herself besides the LCL-covered plugsuit.

Since the right sleeve was gone from the plugsuit, Asuka was able to remove the entire thing with ease. Despite it being a pleasant eighty-something degrees outside, Asuka shivered as her bare skin became exposed to the air. She tossed the suit aside, effectively discarding it, with no future plans in mind to come back for it. Next, Asuka removed her red neural links from her hair, something practically unheard of, and retrieved her favorite German brands of shampoo, conditioner, and body soap. She headed into the bathroom (it really ceased to be a room since two of the walls were missing, but it would do) and turned on the spiggot to the shower/tub. Much to her pleasure, not only did the shower still work, it also meant that, in spite of the surrounding devastation, running water was still a working utility.

Much to her chagrin, however, the heater seemed to be offline or broken. There would be no hot shower right now.

Asuka could deal with it, though, just as long as she could wash the sticky LCL off of her.

(Author's note: No, you damn perverts, I'm not going to describe the shower scene! No fan service for you. :P)

As she washed herself, Asuka took care to avoid getting her bandages wet, if possible. She still hadn't tried to remove the bandages, mostly because she wanted to wait until she reached a still-intact hospital. Asuka began to think about the nature of her wounds. First of all, where the hell did the bandages come from? She had been alone in the cockpit of Unit-02 the entire time, there wasn't anyway anyone else could have put them on her. She knew that she certainly didn't put them on, and that she knew of Shinji didn't, either.

And another thing, why was she wounded at all? Asuka felt everything her Eva felt, but never before had it translated into wounds onto her own body. During the forteenth, both the Eva's arms had been sliced off, and she could even feel her arms going slightly numb and could feel the sting of the nubs against the air, but she recovered immediately afterwards, having suffered absolutely no nerve damage at all, never having lost any use of her own arms whatsoever.

But fighting the Eva series, as she was pinned to the ground with a lance shoved through her skull, Asuka had lifted her right arm in defiance, feeling her Eva move in a fit of berserker rage in spite of there being no power left, wanting to get back up and kill the Eva series all over again. And then she not only felt, she SAW her arm being split down the center, the halves flailing as though they were banners in the wind. She could feel the other eight lances being jabbed into her, but it was pretty much after the splitting of her arm that Asuka's conciousness had faded to black.

Point being, if Asuka had never received her Eva's wounds before, why now? Were they simply so synchronized that Asuka had somehow imagined that she saw her arm being split? Was the pain so real that her mind made her think she saw what she saw? Then again, even if they were just replicas, the Lance of Longinus was no ordinary weapon. If the fabled spear, which had pierced the side of Jesus Christ to confirm his death, had the ability to move through AT Fields as though they were not there, and if pilot and Eva were synched, perhaps cutting through one AT Field was like cutting through the other.

Whatever the explanation, Asuka would not soon forget the agony of feeling a sharp, pointed stick shoved through her eyeball, weeping tears of blood and brain fluid.

One thing had been made clear to Asuka, though, during her little skirmish with the baka. Although it hurt like hell, she could still move her arm, AND it had full feeling left in it. This meant that a) her arm was still functional, b) there was no nerve damage that she could tell, and c) all of the above. In all likelihood, her arm would make a full recovery.

However, she had no idea about her eye. And quite frankly, she was a little apprehensive about removing the bandages. What if her eye was damaged or hideously deformed? Or worse, what if it was missing altogether? It would leave an unsightly scar that would ruin her otherwise perfect facial complexion. It would also mean that she would have no depth perception, which would make living in the world much harder for her, let alone end her career as a pilot.

At the moment, though, it looked like she wouldn't be piloting for a long time, anyway. Even if she did ever pilot again, it would be in some new Eva. It would take valuable time and effort to synch and bond with the new machine, and Asuka had neither the time nor the inclination to pilot anything else besides her Unit-02. But of course, as luck would have it, most of Unit-02 was scattered all over the ground while the rest of it was sitting inside the stomachs of the Eva series. That, and her mother was inside of it all along...

But Asuka had managed to make it all the way to Hikari's house with only one good eye, so it wouldn't be impossible for her to get along in the world. And besides, she's the Great Asuka Langely Sohryou; nothing can get her down.

The much-needed shower having reached its conclusion, Asuka dried herself off and rummaged through her brief case for some clothes. She settled on a pair of denim shorts and a red tank-top. The outfit wasn't too revealing, but it also boasted the best features of her feminine form. At least if somebody came to rescue her, she'd look great doing it. Minus the bandages she was wearing, of course.

Finally feeling clean, Asuka let out another sigh. She let down her long, flowing red hair and replaced her neural links. She still felt a lack of energy, but the shower had helped her to feel renewed and revived. She at least felt much better than she had been feeling moments before. Still, she wanted to take another rest break before setting out. She could also use the time to plan out the next course of action. It would more than likely involve a hunt for a hospital, as she needed to perform a detailed inspection of her wounds and insure that they would not become infected.

Asuka checked the couch to make sure that no mold or anything had started to colonize the surface of the fabric before sprawling herself out and getting comfortable. She reasoned that an hour-long nap would suffice to get her strength back up. Asuka had no actual way to know how long an hour was, so she'd simply have to use her own discretion.

As Asuka lay there on that couch, her thoughts turned to her class-representative, fellow student, and best friend, Hikari Horaki. Namely, she thought about how they managed to get so close. While Asuka had never revealed everything about herself to Hikari, especially her past, she had grown to trust in the class-rep, and had on more than one occasion confided some of her dearest secrets to the girl. Asuka wondered why this was so. Ever since her mother's illness, Asuka had never wanted to grow close to anyone ever again.

While she never poured her soul out to Hikari, they were a near-instant hit upon their first meeting. Perhaps it was just because of Hikari's uber-friendly, very-outgoing personality. Maybe she was just doing her job as class-rep in getting to know Asuka. Whatever the reason, Asuka took to Hikari very quickly, and vice versa. For a time, she had even forgotten her vow to never become close to anyone ever again.

Hikari, while not nearly as popular as Asuka, was still well-renound and respected in the school. Like Asuka, she demanded respect and knew how to stand up for herself. Even three certain trouble-makers, who shall remain nameless, but acted like those stooges from the American television show, knew that Hikari was a force to be reckoned with. Perhaps it was only natural that both she and Hikari would grace one another's company, then, seeing as they already had so much in common. They were both popular, respected, and they were not mindless automatons that simply did as they were told. They were not rebels, mind you, especially Hikari, whose duty as a class-rep bound her to uphold law and order, but she had the inner strength and the intelligence to think for herself. That indicated about her a wisdom and maturity beyond her years.

Hikari was, in Asuka's eyes, already a woman. She was not some hormone-driven giddy teenager by any means, she was already an adult. She represented what Asuka had been trying to prove to everyone else, that she was also a fully-matured adult. Asuka also knew, from her many visits, of how Hikari also had to care for her younger siblings all on her own. Not only did she carry the burdens of both school and class-representative on her shoulders, she was also practically raising a family already. Asuka, who currently did not want children, had no idea how to take care of a family, and often wondered how Hikari managed to cope. That was probably the one thing that Hikari could do that Asuka could not.

Maybe Hikari was not just a role model or a standard to which Asuka upheld. Maybe, in some ways, Hikari was also like a mentor or confidant to Asuka.

Maybe even, dare she say, like a mother or a sister.

Asuka knew of no one else like this. She didn't even even feel this close to Misato.

There were some things that Asuka could talk about openly with Misato, and after she had asked about the scar on Misato's chest, a sisterly-bond of sorts had begun to form between them. However, Misato was also her commanding officer, which often made it awkward to talk to her, especially since she had to report everything that the pilots did to NERV. Maybe Misato would exercise good judgement and keep some things confidential, but Asuka never really felt like she could be absolutely sure. And as for living under Misato's care...well, that was just another part of Misato's job. Let's not kid ourselves, it's not as if Asuka, Misato, and the baka were becoming some sort of family. Even if they were, the relationships were artificial, at best.

And really, how do you stay on good terms with the bitch who steals away your man?

But Asuka thought that the relationships were artificial because none of them even wanted a "real" family to begin with. Baka was so desperate for praise and love he'd probably look to a sock to be his father if he felt it would say nice things about him. And Misato was a thirty-something whore who drank and acted like she was a twenty-something college whore, but everything from her skimpy outfits to to her lewd "advances" at Shinji in the mornings to how she swiped Kaji away at the first opportunity suggested that she was just as lonely, if not more so. In the end, neither of them wanted a family, neither of them wanted anything long-term, they were just desperate to have somebody else.

Family. Relationships. Caring.

Love.

Pfft. Nothing but words to describe a fool's abstraction.

Love was stupid and and overrated anyway. Two people didn't stay together because they cared about one another, they stayed together because they just licked each other's wounds. Even if that was some sort of mutually beneficial arrangement, either one of them was replaceable. Both people were expendable in one another's eyes. As long as you had somebody's back to scratch in order that they would scratch yours, it didn't really matter how that somebody was.

And of course, Asuka had the benefit of being enlightened at such a young age and discovering the lie.

For the baka, Misato, and the rest of this godforsaken planet, anybody would do, it didn't matter who, just as long as somebody wasn't ignoring them.

Oh, if only Asuka could see the steaming piles of irony right in front of her.

Then again, deception and self-deception had become Asuka's specialities over the course of seven years.

"It doesn't matter," Asuka told herself for the umpteenth time, "I don't need a family in order to survive. I learned that the hard way a long time ago."

Maybe if she said it enough times, it would come true.

Hikari, on the other hand, had no obligation to spy on her and report everything that was said. Also, for some extremely bizzare reason, she seemed to hold romantic affections for that idiot Touji Suzahara, somebody in whom Asuka would never in a million years hold any sort of interest. So at least she didn't have to worry about Hikari playing the role of home-wrecker.

"But I mean, this is Suzahara....SUZAHARA we're talking about! What the hell, Hikari? You could do ten times better than that piece of dog shit! Hell, baka would probably be more of a man than..."

And immediately Asuka bit her tongue. Under NO circumstances would she ever say anything positive about HIM.

Especially not after he tried to kill her.

And insulted her!

Even though she had forgotten the dream, she remembered very specifically that she had relived the accusation of being a hypocrite. Even when she was awake, it seemed to be getting to her more than she was willing to admit to herself.

"I don't need to rely upon anybody! I've done just fine on my own."

Except that you're an attention whore who has to get by on either Shinji, Hikari, or Kaji.

'You're a goddamn hypocrite!'

"I DON'T need anybody else! I got where I am by putting in 110 while everyone else either got in my way or ate my dust. I'm already a college graduate. I got picked as Germany's pilot because I was the best. The BEST, dammit!"

Except that you're not the best anymore, and it's driving you mad.

"I work hard at piloting, baka just half-asses his way through everything and has everybody holding his hand. (scoff) The only reason he got as far as he did was because his mother was doing all the work for him!"

Except that your mother was protecting you all along.

'You're a goddamn hypocrite!'

"Shinji's the fucking hypocrite, acting all high and mighty during battle but being absolutely pussy-whipped at home and school!"

Except that you're the weak and scared one. The fifteenth even proved it to YOU!

'You're a goddamn hypocrite!'

"He's not going to save me this time! I don't need his help, and I never did! I NEED NOBODY! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE EVERYTHING!"

Except that Shinji will inevitably have to save you once again.

'You're a goddamn hypocrite!'

And then, when you can't stand to accept that, you'll go crying to Hikari because she's the only one that will feel sorry for you.

'You're a goddamn hypocrite!'

And when that doesn't work, you'll go crying to Kaji because he'll take pity on your sob story.

'You're a goddamn hypocrite!'

Kaji was right, you're still a child.

"I am NOT a child!"

When you don't get your way, you throw temper tantrums, and when you feel threatened, you bicker and tease and berrate. Now what do you suppose acts like that?

'You're a goddamn hypocrite!'

You're just a scared, little girl who thinks that putting on some make-up and playing dress-up suddenly makes her eligible for adulthood. But with nobody to lean on, your little fantasy world is coming down.

'Goddamn hypocrite!'

You wanted to be by yourself, Asuka? Is this the life you wanted so badly? You want to be an adult? Well now you got it. Now take some responsibility for once!

'Hypocrite!'

'Hypocrite!'

'HYPOCRITE!'

"ENOUGH!" Asuka screamed, continuing to breathe hard, forcing her mind to file everything away and never take it back out again.

Deciding that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to get going lest her mind dwell on other undesirable things, Asuka grunted from fatigue as she got up. She took the suitcase in one hand and began looking around the house for anything else of use that she could carry with her. As Asuka was about to head out the door (which was no longer there, but the door frame still remained and acted as a sort of front entrance), she took one last look around. It had finally occurred to Asuka that she had never thanked Hikari for her hospitality after her mind rape.

Asuka had, more or less, taken refuge with Hikari after the fifteenth. The Angel's forceful probing of her mind had worn down her every defense, leaving her in shambles. The ruins of Hikari's house seemed to reflect and symbolize Asuka's own destruction. She knew that she could face neither Misato nor the baka, especially the baka, in such a state. They would probably see her as weak and disgusting, if they didn't see her that way already. She didn't even want to go to school, not knowing how to face the countless people she bossed around. How would they react seeing a bruised and broken Asuka? All hell would break loose! They'd probably laugh at her for being in such a state. But she knew that Hikari would do no such thing, that Hikari was above all that, and so she ran to Hikari's in the middle of the night and pleaded to let her stay the night.

A "night" quickly turned into a week. Asuka didn't do anything except sit in Hikari's room and play videogames. Hikari would bring dinners up to her, but she hardly ate. She brought Asuka's school papers home for her, but Asuka discarded the papers, having no apparent interest in staying current in school. And every night, despite Asuka's best efforts not to cry and despite Hikari's best efforts to cheer her friend up, she whimpered and sobbed herself to sleep, always muttering about how worthless she feels and how she hates everything.

Looking back on it, Asuka could admit that she had been running away. Not only that, but she had dragged her best friend into it by using her as a crutch. She had taken advantage of Hikari's generosity, and instead of trying to pull herself back together, she stooped to the baka's level and just wallowed in self-misery, leaving a mess she had no intention of cleaning up.

As Asuka stepped outside the ruins of the house, she turned her head back around one last time, a small frown placing itself onto her face. She bowed her head slightly, as though to pay her last respects.

"Hikari, I....I never did thank you for...you know..stuff. Now I guess I can't do that now. But, for what it's worth...thank you. For everything."

After getting that off of her chest, the frown inverted into a small smirk, as Asuka felt like she had one less dark cloud floating over her.

"You're welcome." Hikari answered back.

Asuka jumped back and began bobbing her head left and right, looking for the source of the response. She peaked her ears, listening for the sounds of anyone else. When none made themselves known, Asuka let out a small sigh and berrated herself. "Verdamnt, Asuka, get ahold of yourself. You're loosing it." She laughed a very small laugh, easily convincing herself that it must have been her imagination. Although she had seen stranger things via the Angels, Asuka did not believe in ghosts or apparitions, and so all it could be was her imagination.

Having determined that all was well, Asuka now set out to find a hospital.

* * *

I think the point I'm trying to stress here is that the whole "I don't need anybody, I'm too good for this shit" attitude of Asuka's is, I feel, a lie she tells herself in order to either comfort herself or to make things easier to accept. But that's just what I think, I encourage you to form your own opinions. 


	8. ANNOUNCEMENT

Love and Loss 

Shinji had to admit that he had never really made use of the outdoor deck that was part of Misato's apartment unit.

In a way it was only natural that he would return to the apartment; in the course of almost a year it had come to be a place of comfortable familiarity, as well as his sanctuary from the rest of the world. Despite all the windows and sliding glass doors being shattered, the building's structure was still largely sound. The events of Third Impact had also given Misato's outdoor deck, which already had an impressive view of Tokyo-3 due to it being on the eleventh floor, a breath-taking view of the blood lake. From here Shinji was able to better survey the damage that had been dealt to the city; in general it was only the center of the city that had been destroyed and reduced to a lake bed, but that only meant that the special military towers that had once been in the employment of NERV, used as entry/exit points for the Evas and housing their equipment and umbilical cables, were gone. The outskirts of the city which consisted mainly of residential buildings and local shops, had largely been left intact.

Some might have cringed at the massive red lake, but even that too had become a scene of comfortable familiarity to Shinji. The main reason was that it meant the total destruction of NERV. That meant that he no longer had to wake up at odd hours of the morning and take part in synch tests that could last as long as 24 hours, a part of his "job" that even a morning person such as himself had loathed. But in all seriousness, it had mainly meant the end of performing an act that he hated. Piloting had always been something that had caused him both physical discomfort and moral anguish. Even worse, he had played along all in the name of being accepted by the Commander...

But since he now had total freedom, and because he felt like consumating his move back into the apartment with a celebration, Shinji had treated himself to a small cake he had found a local pastry shop. With the city's power being down, it wouldn't have lasted long without refrigeration anyway, so it was best not to let it go to waste. Beyond the cake, though, the celebration mainly consisted of him lounging in an out-door recliner on the deck, looking out at the lake, and sipping on a mixture of Yebisu beer and cola.

Shinji was not usually one for drinking, seeing no practical reason for it, but when he looked in the fridge to see what was available, he saw that Misato had still kept the drink in plentiful supply. Truth be told, he wasn't even normally the type of person to party, but he knew in his heart that this is what Misato would have done for him, if she were still here. No this party was just as much for her as it was for Shinji. So the party was also in her honoras was his first tasting of beer. He immediately spat it back out, finding it to be far too bitter, but decided that as long as he couldn't actually taste the beer it would be potable.

It didn't take long for him to discover the more "pleasant" side effects.

"Hmm, so this must be why people like to drink." Shinji said to himself with a slight slur. Having no real tolerance for alcohol, he already had a small buzz going on from just the first quarter of the can alone. "I can't believe I didn't try this shit before! Wow, I feel all flowy and shit, this is pretty fuckin' cool! Now I can see why Misato drank this shit all the time."Needless to say, he found the feeling of drunkedness to be both enjoyable and fascinating.

"Man, I need to do this shit more often. Just kick back, relax and have a beer. I mean, seriously, I can see why Misato loved to be drunk. If I had to put up with me and Asuka's bitch-ass all day long, I'd want something to mellow me out. Everything just feels so much looser and unimportant. Hehehe, I should do this every day from now on."

When he actually said Misato's name, however, he couldn't help but feel a slight longing for her presence. An important lesson Shinji had just learned was that the only thing more fun than being drunk was being drunk with somebody you care about. Unless you end up doing something you both regret, but this escaped Shinji's intoxicated mind at the moment. It was something he would need to get use to, anyway, seeing as he was condemned to be alone in this world by his own choosing.

(author's note: I DO NOT CONDONE UNDERAGE DRINKING! But if you're going to do it, drink responsibly. ;) )

"Ya know, I'm not gonna lie." He was speaking to nobody in particular, he just felt like having a soliloquy. "When Misato kissed me back there, heehee, I think I would've totally hit that." He burst into a small giggle at that thought, but quickly recovered. "No no, in all seriousness...you had to have been the best friend, mother, and sister rolled up into one that some poor sap like me could have. I don't deserve you, Misato-chan, and I probably never will,but you didn't give up on me. No matter how much I fucked up, it was really you who kept me together." He was beginning to get emotional at this point, a mixture of love and loss setting in. The trick was that he still wasn't sure what sort of love he had for Misato; love as a mother, love as a sister, or love as a friend.

Or love as a...

"Sometimes I don't even know why you did it, maybe you were just doing your job. But whatever it was," and at this point he raised the mug with his drink, "I know this much; this one's on you, Misato-chan."

And with that, he drank up. Well, he at least tried, he mostly slobbered the drink in as it spilled all over the front of his shirt. But it was enough for a then-happily buzzed Shinji. He cursed slightly, but for whatever reason decided that it was okay because his toes needed a drink also.

He wouldn't remember it the next morning, but he would cry himself to sleep that night, thinking of Misato once more. This wasn't the first time, either. Ever since he had heard her voice in the hospital, he had been crying himself to sleep at night. Shinji was not yet ready to admit it to himself, but he really did miss Misato. He just did not yet fully understand why.

That's not correct. He knew why, he just didn't want to come to grips with it. And alcohol had proven to help aid with that.

Fortunately, Shinji had not gone overboard on his first voyage into alcohol-dom. He had not gotten drunk to the point where he had to hug the toilet, but by the next day he had gotten to know the price you pay for drunken shenanigans; the infamous hangover.

Shinji had read somewhere that the symptoms of a hangover was really just caused by dehydration, and so he had possessed the foresight to drink plenty of water before hand. But perhaps he had consumed more alcohol than this would compensate for, because he had the biggest headache of his life going on and he felt more naucious than when he had to breathe in stale LCL. He downed a couple of capsules of pain killers that he had taken from the hospital and was now lying down on the couch with his arm draped over his eyes. Even though the interior of the apartment was dark due to a lack of internal lighting, the incoming rays from the sun that managed to find their way around the blinds was somehow still enough to make his eyes hurt.

"Okay, new game plan. Instead of a whole can of beer, we'll just try half a can next time. I gotta make the supply last, anyway." he murmurred to himself.

He had planned on going to look for Asuka after he had gotten settled into the apartment once again, but decided that today would be better spent overcoming the effects of last night's celebration. No big deal; he had planned on going to look for Asuka for the past several days,  
but something always seemed to get in the way. He wasn't sure what, but at the moment he could hardly care.

With that train of thought, though, his fancy once again returned to Asuka. The post-3I world was simultaneously his punishment and his reward, but it was his to claim as his own, and he could neither bare to share it with anybody else nor ask another living soul to revisit the destruction that had ripped them apart.

It seemed odd that this was simultaneously his punishment and his reward. For indeed, how can it be a punishment if you enjoy it?

"Goddamnit, Asuka, is that why are you here with me? Are you here to make sure that I'll never be completely at peace? Is it that important to you to make me feel so belittled?"

One week had passed since his fight with Asuka and subsequent confrontation with Kawrou. Or perhaps it only felt like a week. Maybe it had really been two weeks, or perhaps two months, maybe a year. Or maybe it had only been a day or two. Shinji honestly didn't know, maybe that was just the alcohol talking. He hadn't kept count of how many times the sun had cycled through the sky, and felt no insufferable pang to find a time piece that held the current time and date. In this place of his own creation, this...limbo, where he had only himself to answer to and hold accountable, time was only a secondary consideration, if you even felt the need to consider it at all.

The appearance of Kawrou before his eyes, even though he was fully aware of the fact that it was all a grand hallucination, had unfortunately prompted the appearance of others. And the sightings were only growing in frequency. They hadn't yet resulted in conversations like it did with Kawrou, but people he had known and not known alike were making themselves known to him. For two days after Kawrou, all had been quiet. But soon it had resorted back to simple voices in the wind. The day after, people in NERV-issued fatigues were walking past him. The day after that, random citizens of all nationalities seemed to flock to him. Never in large numbers,though, it was almost always on a one-by-one basis. The only real common theme was that people remembered seeing an orange light that overwhelmed them, then suddenly seeing their loved ones,and then they could not recall anything afterwards.

Althroughout this, Shinji was admittedly becoming concerned about the direction in which this was all heading. How long before it no longer seemed like it was all in his head? How long before he lapsed completely and gave into conversing with specters? But Shinji could not have been said to have been scared or disturbed. In spite of how real or surreal it all felt, and even if he really was losing his sanity, he knew (for the moment) that it was all in his mind, and no matter what the images said or did, nothing could come of it The only direct threat to himself was from himself. But He would still be here in the apartment, safe and sound.

Except that wasn't true. He knew full and well what he had to do.

The knowledge that all of humanity's knowledge was now somewhere in his mind had left Shinji stuck at a crossroad. If he waited around long enough, it was entirely plausible that Asuka's memories were also in there somewhere, and that he would get all the answers he was after without the need to place himself in the same room with her, and without having to sort through the lies and mind games. While there was no guarantee that Kawrou hadn't just been a figment of his imagination, there were too many other pieces, too many instances of things he had known but should not have known, for his story to not make at least some sense. And yet at the same time, perhaps that, too, had simply been concocted by himself in order to fool himself. The problem was that Shinji had come to doubt his own consciousness, let alone this new found existence. The other problem was that he was conflicted as to whether or not he was running away from his problems again by simply lounging around, waiting for the answers to come to him when they were also out there somewhere, their guardian licking her wounds.

It shouldn't have really mattered to Shinji; except for Asuka (and what he care what she thought anymore?), there was nobody to tell him how to act or what to think. He was accountable only to himself. There was nobody left to give a damn about what he did or why he did it. If it came to his liking he could go and strangle Asuka, make her pay for all her sins, and he had no worries from the law or from justice. There would be no superiors or loved ones to answer to. This was HIS world, HIS absolute freedom, and even if he lacked the testicular fortitude to finish what he had started, it was still his freedom to do so.

In any case, it SHOULDN'T have mattered to Shinji. But, God only knows why, it did anyway.

"I could do it," he finally said to himself. "I could just leave her to die out there. I could just as easily get what I want, NEED, right here."

He was silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts into words. Speaking to himself was a task that Shinji found himself performing evermore. Even though he knew his own thoughts, it somehow felt reassuring to hear them in words, to know that he was coherent enough that he could speak what he felt. The power of the spoken word, while it did not change his solitude, at least drove back the silence that was his largely empty world.

"And yet, for some reason, it just doesn't feel right. Even if Asuka is a horrible person, I can't just leave her out there to suffer. I should, though. I really should just leave her out there."

He grew tired of talking and tried releasing his worries, letting them melt away and give way to the sand man's influence. But the more he thought about Asuka, the more his anger swelled, until finally he could no longer contain it all and he began to kick at the arm rest that were supporting his feet.

"Goddamn you, Asuka! Goddamn you! Why are you even here? I mean, it wasn't supposed to be anybody else here but me. I was the only one who was supposed to come back. This is what I wanted, this is MY world! Why couldn't you have just stayed dead? Why do you hate me so much that you had to ruin the only thing I had left? The only other thing that I wanted!"

Only silence answered him back.

To spare the reader, Shinji was essentially stuck in a loop for the next half hour, repeating versions of the rant over and over. The same expression of frustration, the same impatience, and the same set of questions played themselves out again and again in his mind. It was as if his mind was stuck in that moment, perhaps because he didn't know how to deal with it, and yet needed to find a way. But it was also just another stalling tactic. He could bitch about his problems indefinitely, because that was easier than taking action.

He was no closer to resolving his issues, but for the moment Shinji had worked out all of the frustration from his system. He settled back down and relaxed his body and mind once more.

"I should just leave her ass out there." he complained one last time.

"But we both know you won't." Misato called out from behind him.

Shinji sighed, not a sigh of defeat, but close. Even if they weren't real, he was still tired of having them interrupt his life. "What do you want now?"

Silently (one would suppose, since she was not really there), Misato strolled up to Shinji until he could "sense" that she was directly behind him. "After everything we've been through, and THAT'S how you greet me? Shinji, I'm hur-"

"No you're not." he blurted out, cutting her off before she could say it. "You can't be, because shadows don't have feelings."

"Is that all I am to you, then? A shadow?" To Shinji, the hurt in her voice sounded artificial, but what else could it be? Shinji didn't answer her, instead choosing to remain facing away from her. But the dopleganger knew the answer anyway. "Can't you just appreciate the interaction for what it is?"

"And what is it, huh?" he barked, growing impatient. "I'll tell you what it is; it's little more than me just talking to myself. All it is-"

"Is running away?" she interjected, returning the favor.

Shinji brought himself to turn on his side and rest on his elbow, raising and cocking his head. He was not so much defeated as he was lost in thought, as if considering his options carefully."Yes."

"Why is it running away? Because I'm not really 'real?'"

"Because you're internal. You're only in my mind. That means that instead of facing the world for what it is, I'm just diving back into my own little world. And...for all I know, I'm only hearing what I want to hear. Why should you be hurt? Because I can feel sorry for you and pity you? Maybe the real Misato wouldn't have wanted my pity, and maybe she wouldn't have been hurt. Maybe she'd even-"

"-be mad at you right now?" she asked, again completing his sentences.

His face and voice softened slightly into something sadder. "Who wouldn't be right about now."

Misato then advanced to the back of the couch, standing over him, wrapping her arms around her front. "Shinji, right now I'm the furthest thing from mad. If I'm hurt..." she paused for some slight dramatic flare before smiling, "it's only because you took a beer from my personal stash."

He couldn't help but chuckle. That was definitely something very Misato-esque to say.

Returning to a more serious mode, Misato was silent for a moment, as if considering the best way to deliver her thoughts. Her smile disappeared and she began staring out the glass door. "Regardless of whether or not you think you're running away, you need to hear what I have to say. You're really pissed with her right now. And in some ways, you have a right to be. But in other ways you need to be a little bit more understanding."

Shinji was dumbfounded by the audacity of that statement. "A little bit more understanding? A little bit more understanding! Maybe you didn't get the memo, so I'll spell it out for you. Since the day we met her, she's made my life a living hell. And now, here at the end, when I finally get everything the way that I want it, she's still here to make hell for me! And the part I can't figure out is why she's even here! I didn't want her to come back."

"What did you want, then?"

He sighed deeply before responding. "I dunno. I guess it's easier to say this if I think everyone else is content to be in Instrumentality, but I just wanted a chance to be by myself. A chance to start over."

"So you made the world empty, and all to yourself?"

For some reason his reluctance to confide in Misato's shadow collapsed, and began to pour out his heart. "Even before, I just...couldn't ever deal with people. I've NEVER been able to deal with people. Whether it's because of Gendo, or because I've just always been too weak and stupid, I don't know. But even up there, I couldn't really deal with it. There were no borders, no limits, no more need to be afraid of being misunderstood or rejected, because such things were impossible in Instrumentality. And I...just wasn't ready."

"There are no borders, limits, or anymore need to be afraid of being misunderstood or rejected down here either, what's the difference?"

Shinji looked over at her, unsure of why she couldn't connect the dots. "The difference is that there's no people down here."

"So you needed more time from other people. Did you think denying them the opportunity to return was the only way to accomplish that?"

"I'm not sure it was ever within my power to deny them that. At the time it made so much more sense to me that I alone should return. I was only thinking about myself. I was just so paralyzed by my own self-pity and selfishness that I just didn't give a damn about everybody else. In that moment, I really would have let the rest of the world die, because I just wanted it all to go away."

He stopped and reflected upon what he had just said. One of the three heroes and defenders of humanity, and yet here he was admitting that he had basically given up, and had been prepared to leave everbody else to their own devices, consequences be damned. This was a powerful confession that he was making! Had he really felt so isolated that he had lost touch with the world to the extent that he would've no sooner let it be destroyed? Was he really such a horrible person? However, it should not be forgotten that his destructive depression was a meticulously calculated move on SEELE's part, a move that he had been too ignorant to notice. Which only really meant that it was still all his fault.

Misato only continued to gaze at him, looking as though she already knew what was going on in his warped little mind.

Shinji snapped himself back to reality with a shake of his head. "But like I said, I couldn't deny the ability to come back. One of the last things my mother said was that anybody could come back from Instrumentality if they really wanted to."

"So how can the world ever really be yours, and yours alone?" she asked.

"I guess it can't. I know it's at least possible that people will come back. And some day, I might be ready to deal with people again. But I just thought that that day wouldn't be so soon."

"In other words, you weren't ready to deal with Asuka yet."

"I suppose." he replied. He didn't have to "suppose" anything, she had hit the nail right on the head. But to be fair, the head was pretty big. It was painfully obvious that he and Asuka were having issues at the moment.

Speaking of that..."Tell me about Asuka's mother. What does she have to do with any of it?"

Misato frowned slightly and returned her attention to the lake. "You aren't ready to hear that yet, Shinji."

"I'll be the judge of that." he challenged.

She looked back at him, still frowning, and her tone became more stern. "By your own confession you basically said that you weren't ready to deal with Asuka yet. You haven't even tried to confront her again, you've been too busy stalling and getting too drunk off your ass to do anything! How would knowing about her mother make it any better?"

"I'm not ready to deal with Asuka the PERSON yet. But as long as she's here, I at least want to know how Asuka got to be so fucked up."

She looked to the lake again. "Like I said, you aren't yet ready to deal with that."

He threw his arms up in defeat and swifly stood up. "GODDAMNIT, stop being so ambiguous! Is it so much to ask for a straight answer?"

"Let me put it another way, then. Asuka isn't your only issue." she retorted.

"My only issue? Do tell, what other issues do we need to get out in the open, hmm?"

"You're definitely mad at her, and that's to be expected. I already told you that she does kinda deserve it. But you're not the victim here, Shinji, she's got her own reasons to be pissed at you."

"Name ONE thing I did to her," he yelled, holding up one finger as if to emphasize his point, "that even gives her the RIGHT to be mad at me."

"You mean besides the fact that you hacked it right in front of her while she was in the hospital?"

At this Shinji's face became flushed, partially out of embarrassment that he had been found out, but also because he felt infuriated that his mind was this thing's playground. Nevermind that she also had a good point.

He felt defeated, which was no different than how he usually felt. When Yui left him for Eva and Gendo deserted him, he was defeated. He was humiliated that not even his own father wanted him around. When Touji's body was basically destroyed and he could no nothing, it might as well have been him that crushed the insertion pod. In his selfish withdrawal and refusal to go to Eva when NERV was attacked, he had let Asuka to be ripped apart, an undignifying death that not even she had deserved. But the cherry on top was that he had not only allowed Misato to die, he had basically failed her.

He might as well have put the gun to Misato's torso and pulled the trigger.

But then again, Misato's shadow knew all of this.

She softened her expression into something more forgiving and receptive. "Now to be fair, you were pretty drained emotionally and mentally. I'm not condoning what you did-"

"Good, because lest you should forget, I don't exactly require approval anymore." he snapped.

She remained as she was. "You're just venting."

He just scoffed at her.

"But I'm not telling you anything about Asuka until you tell me more about your other problems."

"Fine, don't give me all the answers! If all of humanity's knowledge is really inside me right now, then all I have to do is play the waiting game. Sooner or later, I'll know everything that's relevant."

She smirked and chuckled slightly. "My dear Shin-jun, it doesn't quite work that way!"

"Huh?"

"I already told you. Before you can confront Asuka, you need to confront yourself."

"Oookaaay, let's say I play your little came and I 'confront' myself. Where would I begin? You said I had issues, so, what part of my already shot-to-hell psyche do you wish to explore?"

Misato put her hand to her chin and began sorting through the various options, attempting to prioritize them. "Well, let's see. For starters, we can talk about your abandonment issues that pretty much began with the 'death' of your mother and the subsequent abandonment by your father. Also significant is that you hate your father for what he did to you but you still feel the need to win his approval because, secretly, you feel that your innate deficiency somehow drove him away. Stemming from that is your need to feel acceptance from anybody, including me,  
Suzahara and Aida, Rei, Asuka, et cetera, et cetera. Need I go on?"

"No thanks, Freud."

She giggled. "Oh Shin-jun, if I could still bear-hug you, I would just because you're such a good sport!"

"Hold on a second." he declared, raising his hand at her as a gesture to emphasize. "You don't get to just listen to me pour my guts out. No sir. If I tell you something about myself, you have to tell me something about yourself. You have to give to receive, so to speak."

Misato considered that for a moment, but then shook her head in agreement. "Alright, fair enough. I'll even be gracious enough and go first. What do you want to know?"

"Tell me what you meant when you said Kaji was like your father. You once told me about your dad and how he was never around and stuff, but then he saved you at the Antarctic expedition. Then you told me about Kaji and how he was no better than your dad. What did you mean by that?"

Misato paused for a moment to organize her response before answering. "My father was never around, that's true. He was always telling me to be a good little girl, but he was never around to see it. I got to thinking that maybe I wasn't being good enough, and so I tried really,  
really hard. I went to school everyday and got good marks. I did my chores, and YES I cleaned up after myself, thank you! I did everything that was asked of me. I even smiled everyday, even when I wasn't really happy. And I hated every minute of it.

"I didn't want to be a good child! I had no interest in my studies, and I would have no sooner just skipped class to go hang out with my friends. I was fairly wild and carefree. But my father was a polar opposite; very strict and responsible. He wouldn't tolerate a little brat like me. No no, even the family was just his well-oiled machine. Everybody and everything had to be in its place, in perfect order. I think he was just partly keeping up appearances so that he'd come off as respectable to his peers and colleagues.

"And like any kid at that age, I just wanted my father to love me and accept me. So when he wouldn't, I tried changing myself into what he wanted, even though I didn't like what I had become." Shinji couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy.

Misato seemed to know it. "I only kept it up because I thought that's the only way he'd give a damn, and he still never noticed, or even cared. Why would he? He was always busy with work and hardly ever home. Even after our parents split up and God knows why he got custody, I kept on smiling and pretending like some day, he'd notice. For a while I even thought that he might eventually see through the smile and come and comfort me and finally tell me that I didn't have to pretend anymore. Some days, I can't even figure out why my dad even wanted children, let alone why he even bothered keeping custody of me. And then he did what has to be both the most selfless and yet most selfish thing I have ever known."

"He spared your life. How was that selfish?"

"He was probably just being a good father, but I think it was also his way of trying to weasel his way out of years of neglect. He was basically trying to apologize."

Shinji looked mildly confused at this. "Isn't that what you wanted, though? To be noticed?"

"I did, but it was just too little too late, you know? Plus, how can he notice me if he's dead? It was a hollow apology at best." The years of pent-up anger and resentment had finally surfaced, and were it the real Misato it could have very well been that she had been given a long overdue relief of burden. "I honestly question if he thought I'd be better off alive."

"Well, for what it's worth, I'M glad that you lived." Shinji commented. Then he smirked a bit. "And you sort of turned out like your father anyway." Misato cocked her head as though she had been insulted. "You became responsible. Maybe not always anal and strict, but definitely a respectable adult."

Misato's annoyed frown had transformed into a little smirk, as if an inside joke had just played out between them. "Point taken."

"So then what did Kaji do to you? Did you feel like he ignored you, too?"

"Yes and no. On the contrary, he gave me all the attention I could ever want. I...suppose this is a little bit more detail than you care to hear, but I was pretty wild in college. That was when I first got into beer. I did it all; hard drinking, parties every weekend, every drug conceivable, I even tried smoking cigarettes with Rits for a while, but I couldn't stand that shit." She stuck her tongue out in disgust to emphasize her point. Then her body language shifted as though a more uncomfortable subject was coming to light. "But my particular specialty was that...I was kinda 'loose' in college."

A slight blush appeared on his face as it become clear where the conversation was headed. "You...slept around?"

"I wasn't a whore, I NEVER did it for money. Let's just say that I may as well have worn a 'Welcome' mat for panties."

"I'll thank you kindly if you don't go into the nitty-gritty."

She eagerly agreed to spare him the more..juicy details. "But I met Kaji shortly after my freshman year began, and...well, let's just say that we skipped class for an entire week and that it was a week to never forget."

"Ah." His blush returned for seconds while the shadow had still not blushed once. Shinji took this as meaning that sex was not something that Misato was easily embarrassed by, which, even though he had not really known that side of her, somehow sounded fairly Misato-ish. "So what was the problem?"

"The problem was that he didn't want Misato the sorostitute or Misato the pothead. And he REALLY didn't want Misato the village bicycle."

"Village bicycle?" Obviously Shinji had missed out on some sort of reference.

"You've never heard that joke? 'She's like the village bicycle; everyone's had a ride.' Anyway, I gave him a week of sex I KNOW he didn't forget, but he still wanted me to be a good little girl. He told me that I didn't have to try so hard to rebel against mommy and daddy, that I had too much potential to just throw it all out every weekend at a frat party. He told me that he wanted to see me grow into, and I paraphrase here, 'a fine young maiden of much maturity and virtue.'"

"He asked you to tone down your drinking. So what? And while I'll argue with him about the 'maturity' part, you did eventually become a contributing member of society."

"Hey that was an accident, I swear." Obviously she was being sarcastic. "But in all seriousness, I suppose that I was hurt that I had shown him who I really was, that beneath this womanly exterior is just a girl who wants to be free, and he basically said 'no.' In a way, I guess it felt like a rejection."

"So you thought that you had to act in a way you didn't like in order for him to keep paying attention to you?"

"That, and I couldn't help but feel like he was being a hypocrite. He wanted me to behave and go to my classes, but then he'll turn right around and skip class for a week to have sex! Was my schedule that week somehow expendable?

"In retrospect, I think he just saw me as this wild and untamed thing, and he was gonna come along and civilize me and then we go off into the sunset. As romantic as that sounds, I just didn't see it happening. He didn't really seem to want to come to grips with that, though.  
Either that, or perhaps I had been too stubborn. And I think, in part due to my father, I was worried that if I did indeed play along and be the good girl that Kaji wanted me to be, he'd eventually not notice and then I'd be back to square one." And with that, Misato felt that the subject of her previous relations had been covered thoroughly enough.

Shinji thought there was a little bit more to add, though. "You know, I never told you this, but one night you and Kaji had gone out, and you came back passed out. Or rather, you were passed out and Kaji had carried you all the way back to the apartment. Asuka and I were there..."

She just HAD to cut him off. "This is the night you two kissed, right?"

Shinji felt really annoyed in that moment. "Can I tell the goddamn story without you roaming through my mind in advance?"

"Don't be surprised that I know, Shinji. You were both briefed that we were under constant surveillance by Section 2."

Shinji's face went slightly flush with embarrassment at the prospect that his and Asuka's shennanigan's had probably been the subject of the better part of the NERV staff's snickering. "Oh yeah. Anyway, when he saw us he asked me to take care of you. Maybe it was just the way he was holding you and the way he asked, but...I think he really did care about you, Misato."

Misato's face scrunched up and traces of tears could be found in her eyes if you looked closely enough. All she could really do was nod in agreement.

Then she decided to press onward. "Alright, I told you what you wanted to know, now it's time for you to pay up."

"What do you want to know? Where do you want to start?"

"Let's start with how you really felt about me kissing you."

No, anything but this!

Their parting kiss was something that was to be remembered throughout the ages and proclaimed in song by the Greek muses of old. If he could turn back the wheels of time, Shinji had to admit that he would do it all over again. It wasn't anything like kissing Asuka, but how could that be considered a "kiss" when it had really just been Asuka toying with him? It had meant nothing, but kissing Misato had meant EVERYTHING.

And that was what scared him.

Not only was there the age difference and social acceptability to think about, there was also the fact that she was his legal guardian. In their time together, Misato had become like his big sister, and even his surrogate mother. While certainly he had found her to be desirable (and it was a guilty pleasure of his that he had stowed with the other sentimental trinkets he owned the picture she had sent him when he had first arrived in Tokyo-3), he had never even entertained the idea of a romantic relationship. In fact, he had become so accustomed to how things were arranged between them that such thoughts made him highly uncomfortable. Naturally, Touji and Kensuke's on-going teasings and musings of ecchi interaction with the Major had done little to help. And yet kissing her had, in that moment, opened up entirely new avenues of thought. Never had he imagined that anybody could care for him so much, and then express it physically.

He had been so afraid of intimate contact from her that he even pushed her away after Asuka's losing battle with coma and the destruction of the Rei he knew and cared for. Having now had a taste, in more than the literal sense, of what he had been missing out on, he had been burdonned by guilt that he had been missing out.

Part of him was excited that the shadow was even asking this of him, because maybe it meant that the real Misato would also want to know. But he also dreaded what he might learn. In all likelihood, the real Misato would just say that she was doing her job and that she was just trying to get him to stop acting like such a child. But one possibility lingered in the back of his mind like a splinter that's just deep enough that you can't get it out, but it doesn't let you forget for an instant that it's there. Suppose he had been MORE to Misato than just a simple ward or a kid brother...

"I know what you're thinking right now."

"I'd rather not be." he answered as his voice quivered.

"It's okay, you can tell me." she reassured him.

"We both know it, can't it be left at that?"

There wasn't really any way around it, as she was probably going to keep harping on him until he finally condeeded. And though it had not occurred to him at the time, avoiding the question was no better than running away, something he had sworn never to do again.

The mixture of emotions was overwhelming and confusing him. He buried his face into the side of the couch and began to whimper.

It was a risk, but Misato decided to spearhead the question. "I wish I could say that I was just trying to wake you up out of your depression. And while that is true, Shinji, I think...I think physical contact of those kinds are the only way I can really show that I care about somebody. Maybe it's because that's the sort of attention that I like but never received when I was just a kid.

"Shinji, I've read your file. I know what happened to you as a child, and I can only guess as to what you're lacking. I've always tried to show that I care, but I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable."

"It's not that, Misato. It's not that you made me feel uncomfortable. I just...I just...I just wish that you had never shown me how much you cared! It hurts, Misato! It hurts knowing that no matter how pathetic I got, you still cared. Maybe I've always wanted that kind of attention, I don't know, but now that I know what it's like, I wish I never did. Look around you; THIS is what I wanted, right? I wanted to be all alone, right? So how can I truly appreciate it if I miss you so much?"

"Maybe you didn't really want to be alone. Maybe that's why people still have the option to return."

"And then what! They'll all reject me again, which is all I'm good for and all I'll never know. But because of you, Misato, I know what it's like to be loved. And knowing what it's like to be loved and then to never have that ever again...it makes it so hard!"

The reader will forgive Shinji for being a little melo-dramatic and over the top; it is important to understand that he feels as though rejection is the only thing he has ever known. To know love and acceptance, REAL love and acceptance, would be a contradiction of the paradigm that Shinji had come to adopt over time. One cannot miss what they never had in the first place. Maybe he had pushed it to the back of his mind, but I think that Shinji did not truly understand what he had until Misato's mad race to get him into the elevator. He had realized it again back at the hospital, and now he is confronting it again. It is something that he has to live with for the rest of his days, a task that would easily discourage anyone.

Shinji let the tears flow freely once more, curling up into a protective fetal ball on the couch. It was a bad decision to come back to this place. Everything from to the smell of Misato on the furniture to the scorches on the stove from her god-awful cooking made him think of her and what she had tried to give him. It made more sense to him now; he pushed her away because he could not handle what she was trying to offer him. Now that he was ready to accept it, he could no longer have it anymore. It only served to fuel his downward spiral back into a depression.

This Misato that was standing over him was at best the real Misato's shadow, but she felt no less of a drive to try and comfort him. She was obviously upset over what had just transpired, as well. "I'm sorry, Shin-jun. This is all I can do for you now. I'm sorry!"

"Go away." was all he could muster up to counter. He was even more confused now as to what had been his relationship with her, and so all he could do now was what he had done before; run away and push her away from himself.

He felt her presence disappear as though it was the whim of a wind's fancy, and once again he had only himself to keep company.

A whole can of beer was sounding really nice right about now. Even when drunk, he could barely remember lamenting over Misato, but at least it was barely, and at least it didn't seem so close to him and so important.

Shinji wasn't sure how long he had been crying on that couch, but he had relatively calmed down and was just ready to get back up for another experiment with beer when he noticed the front door had been slid open.

He immediately threw his full gaze at the door. Surely he had remembered to close the door.

Didn't he?

Shinji couldn't explain it, but suddenly the hairs on the back of his neck stood erect, and his heart began racing in conjunction with the paranoid feeling of somebody standing over him. It was different from Misato standing over him, though. This felt more ominous, like a primal danger.

His head hadn't yet fully turned to face the intruder when he received a punch straight to the jaw. The momentum of the blow had thrown him off the couch and onto the floor. Startled and confused, he barely registered somebody sitting atop of him, straddling him, cutting him off from any hope of escape. Shinji had no means to ward off the intruder, as the back pack that contained the police weapons had been thrown into his room just down the hall. With both arms pinned in such a way that they had no leverage, Shinji was completely at the mercy of his nemesis.

She was missing the cherry-red plug suit in favor of something more casual, but it didn't take long for Shinji to identify his attacker.

Asuka had taken the initiative, it was only natural that she also give the first greeting. "Jesus H. Christ! I knew you were fucking pathetic, but seeing you back in this dump crying on the couch and calling out Misato's name? HA! You take the fucking cake!"

He wasn't about to let her get back on her high horse. "Good to see you, too."


End file.
